The Apps

Alright y’all. I did it. Yes, I deleted all of my dating apps. I have unsubscribed, stopped payment, deleted profiles and removed them from my cellular devices. I deleted all of those ratchet dating apps. The Bumble, The Hinge, The Match. All of them. And yes, I said “The” in front of all of those horrid apps. Maybe I am being a tad bit dramatic, but I need you guys to understand that this was a big deal for me. I do not go out much and I have relied solely on dating apps on meeting people. It is time to break out of my comfort zone when it comes to dating and step outside of the box because after all, isn’t that where the magic happens? Here are a few reasons why I deleted them:

1. It was the same lame dudes on all of them. They all hit me up on each platform thinking I am a brand new person. Like really man? No, I do not have a twin.

2. It’s frustrating ‘clicking’ ( I use that term loosely) with someone and they disappear.

3. I meet someone, we seem to hit it off, then I realize, he is playing a game and or has a woman at home. I don’t know about you ladies, but I am not trying to reenact SZA’s Weekend song in real life. I ain’t no one’s weekend nothing bih.

4. I fear getting recognized by my new co-workers. The annoying IT guy at my last job hit me up on one of those less desirable apps, like The Tinder or The OKC. I don’t recall; however, it was another bad choice of joining listening to my younger friends who are more carefree and easygoing with dating. Lesson learned. The freaks hang out there. I am sanctified.

5. It felt like a full time job keeping up with all of the messages from the weirdos. Then I got concerned with hurting their feelings. This was not gonna work.

6. I wanted to focus more on myself and my goals and spirituality. Yes, I said spirituality. My chakras need to stay aligned at all times. Prayed up and Saged up in this piece/peace.

I do have some upcoming events which will allow me to be intentional in meeting guys, but it won’t be my overall goal… I’m lying y’all. I’m gonna be scooping eligible bachelors everywhere I go like a mutha. Discreetly, of course! I need to see what’s out there and compare to what I have seen on The Apps. It can’t be that bad in real life. But how will I know if I never go?

Stay tuned… more foolery will be upon us soon.

-V.

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The Convo – Part 2

 

I walked in the door and dropped the keys and my purse on the kitchen counter. I kicked off my shoes and left them on the floor in the hallway. I walked towards the couch and pull out my phone. Maybe I should call Kayla. I quickly decided against it. I just don’t have the energy to speak about this dinner with anyone.

I need another drink.

I got up and poured myself a shot of Café Patron. I took a sip, griped the glass with both hands and exhaled deeply as I sat down on the couch trying to recap the dinner with Daniel.

I thought I was over Daniel. I haven’t seen or heard from him in a year. I went out on a couple of dates here and there, but I never took things too far. I agreed to have dinner with him simply out of curiosity. Now, it seems as if curiosity killed the cat. I am here confused over someone I was over months ago.

My phone buzzed.

I walked over and checked my notification.

“Hope you got home safe. Although the evening wasn’t how I thought it would play out in my mind, I am happy at the fact that I got to see you. Goodnight Evelyn.”

I started to respond, but I backspaced and left it at that. Knowing him he already saw the grey bubble appear and disappear.

Right now, I just need things to slow down and make sense to me. I honestly don’t know how I feel.

The phone buzzed again.

This time it’s Xiomara. “Girl, you good?”

“I’m good. Just exhausted. We will catch up at lunch tomorrow.” I replied.

“Night girl” she replies.

I turned off all notifications and turned the phone face down. I guzzled the rest of my Café Patron and headed to my bedroom to get some well-needed rest.

~~~

The morning at the office was a breeze. I had to give a presentation to senior management and it was flawless, so needless to say I am in a great mood, despite last night’s dinner.

I pulled up to Lime, a Mexican spot near the office, to meet with my girls to recap.

I looked and saw Xio and Kayla and waved to them as I got out of my car.

“Hey girls!” I said to both of them.

“Ohhh honey, someone is in a good mood…I wonder if that’s what we are going to talk about?” Kayla asked inquisitively.

“No, boo”, “I just had a great morning at work.” I replied.

“Ugh such a fun killer” said Xio.

I approached the cashier and placed my order. I am cheating today. I earned it.

“I am going to have Nach‘yo Mama’s Nachos with ground beef and all the trimmings! And a frozen sangria.” I told the cashier

“Well daaamn girl, forget your diet huh?” Kayla said.

“Yup!”

Kayla and Xio placed their orders; we grabbed our numbers and looked for an empty table.

“So, let forgo the chit chat and tell us what happened? I texted you and you never replied!” Kayla said.

Xio sat there sipping her frozen sangria and waved the attendant down for our food.

“Ok, so you know I was nervous as hell right? I wore my black dress with the royal blue pumps. I was going to wear red, but decided that wouldn’t be appropriate, don’t need him thinking I was trying to go all out, ya know?” I said.

“Right, the blue pumps are way more appropriate, wear the red ones in his bed instead.” Xio said with a devilish grin.

“No! I can’t with you girl!” I scolded her. We all laughed and I took a sip of my sangria and ate some food, in between bites, I continued.

“Anyway, he stood up”

“Where did you guys go eat?” Kayla interrupted.

“J. Alexander’s. Stop interrupting so I can finish, I only have an hour for lunch! Anywho, he basically wanted to apologize I guess and talk about our relationship and that we could have tried harder. He said he knows he wasn’t his best self, blah blah blah. He mentioned something about how he was going through something or issues that he didn’t want to get into, but that is precisely what I want to know about.”

“What did you say?” Xio asked.

“Well, I told him how I felt at the end of the relationship. I told him how I didn’t feel it was necessary to work things through now, because when we were in the thick of it I felt alone and as if was he no longer interested in me.” I took a slight pause after saying that.

I continued, “He wants to work on us now. I don’t know how I feel. A part of me wants to see what happens and see if he changes, but at my pace. And another part of me is scared of getting sucked in and hurt all over again. I’m scared to love him and I don’t trust him with my heart. But I must say, he looked so good. And his cologne. Lawd have mercy on my soul!”

“Jeez, get a grip Ev.” Kayla laughed.

“Well, you have every right to feel that way. I do commend him for manning up and talking to you in a mature way and not placing blame or yelling. For that he seems to have done some thinking. Danny that I know would have said, ‘F-It and next!’ He is coming for you Ev.” Kayla said.

“The way I see it is you don’t have anything to lose.” Xio said. “ Hear him out, go at your own pace and if he messes up one time…chuck up the deuces. We ain’t 25 anymore honey.”

“Girl please, we age just like fine wine!” I proclaimed.

“Well, aiming to be a vintage wine isn’t hot.” Xio said.

“Ugh, I know! I just need time to gather my thoughts some more. Why would I want to open up that part of me again just to get hurt? Hell, he is talking a good game right now. I bet I won’t hear from him now that he sees it isn’t going to be easy.”

“Did he text you last night?” Xio asked.

“Yeah”

“Then his ass is calling today. Mark my words.”

“Well I am not holding my breath.” I said.

“Girl, we will talk later! I gotta get back to work. My boss is clocking me. Ugh can’t stand his fat ass.” Xio said.

“I hear ya! We should go for brunch on Sunday.” I said.

“Let’s do it!” Kayla responded.

“It’s a date! Bye girls!”

 

-V.

Part 3 coming soon!

broken lollipop

Cold Front

What happens when your heart grows cold for the one that it beats for?

When you are seeking the warmth

But the pain settles in its core

Do you continue to search for the heat?

Or let the hurt fester some more.

This love is a journey

But my body is achy and sore

What happens when your heart grows cold for the one that it beats for?

Hoping for some light in the darkness

Unable to find a way anymore

Heartbeats hums softer

More distant than before

Reminiscent of the heat that once provided comfort

Settling with the chill knowing there is a cold front in store

Accepting the forecast that this love is no more.

 

smoke

 

-V.

You Don’t Want Me

I had a thought, something profound I was trying to say

But in all I realized something …

You don’t want me

I know my worth yet even though, it’s so easy to succumb to what you say…

You don’t want me

I was fooled by your consistency of…texts

That you wanted me?

But I spoke of the need of phone calls to truly get to know you

I got it once…

You don’t want me

I’ve been here for 4 weeks. I’ve seen you once…

You don’t want me

It takes you hours to text me back or it falls short when it is not sexually related

You don’t want me

But you reply fast and for hours when it’s related to possibly sex or you expressing your want of it…

You don’t want me

I ask you of your intentions and you speak so general

“Girl, I’m chill, easy going. Want to get to know you inside and out. I’m passionate and touchy feely.”

Please.

You don’t want me

I ask you… “What’s my last name? What do I do for a living?”

“Girl, I just called you Gonzalez.”

I’m not Hispanic

You don’t want me.

I attempt to ignore the signs

But my uneasiness overwhelms me

I look for excuses for the things you say and do

But in actuality, there aren’t any

You don’t want me

And I won’t be the fool

To only want you.

So, About That Friday Night Turn-Up…

cant find a guy i like

Well, well, well,  tonight, I finally decided on going on a date with someone I met online. I haven’t spoken to this guy yet on the phone and I haven’t truly conversed with him online yet either. But, still agreed to meet up at a local coffee shop. I got there early of course and sat in my car chit chatting with one of my besties. As I am talking to her, I get an unsettling feeling come over me. I don’t want to meet this guy. Do I have a reason? No. I just have no desire to meet him. At all. I think he is fairly attractive. He seems ok, I guess, but not enough to meet him. As I am talking to my friend, I found myself justifying why I wanted to meet him. I would say, “Why not, its Friday night and I am tired of sitting at home” or when she asked, what is this guy about? I responded, “ Umm, I don’t really know. I had to review our chat history on the app to see what his name was. I didn’t truly have enough interest to find out more. Hell, I don’t even know what he does for a living.” Sigh. She just said, “ Ok Girl.” and laughed. I am sitting in this Starbucks parking lot comfortable in my AC and thinking, I don’t want to be here. I have no interest in meeting this guy. Of course I am going through a wave of emotions after I hang up with her. I see that it s 612p, and we are due to meet at 630p. I decided right then and there, nope, I don’t want to be here. I logged on to my app and typed up “ I am going to have to cancel. Got a project at work that I thought I would be done with, will have to reschedule. My apologies” I hit send and drove off. I felt free. He quickly responds, “That’s too bad, I was almost there.” I didn’t even reply to that.

rhonjjacexcuseherself

What is it about this guy that had me ditch the date? I don’t know, but I do know that I decided to go a local sports bar that a coworker told me about. I figured I could watch the NBA finals there and have a meal. I drove to this sports place and I again, sat in my car and saw all these men go into the bar and the line was starting form outside the door. I thought to myself, oh no I am not feeling this either. I sat in the parking lot for 5 minutes before driving off and heading home.

i adore my own company

I came home and felt so relaxed. Made dinner had wine and jammed out to music. Peace, I felt peace. I finally just sat down and thought, I could have gone out, had fun and mingled and yet I rather be in my own company. 3 weeks here and no real outing, I think that’s ok, right? Oh well, I am having a great time being alone. Maybe tomorrow, I’ll find something to do to mingle with society! However, I still find the evening to be very successful!

friday-night_o_862936

Happy Friday Y’all!

 

-V.

Oh, The Dating Woes…

Oh these dating woes…

online dating

I can’t figure it out if it’s just me or if it’s these men I am chatting it up with. I have yet to met anyone in my new town because I think everyone is crazy. I mean some guys love to hit me with the “wyd” after a couple of messages. I am instantly annoyed. To me that symbolizes someone after a hook up. But I try not to be too presumptuous so I play along, only to block them 20 minutes later because they want pictures and tell me how cute I am but don’t truly try to get know me. Is that so much to ask? Apparently so..

rih eye roll

I decided to compile yet another list but this time of online dating turnoffs for most educated women.new-girl-winston-creep

  1. Shorthand is so lazy. WYD, IJS, ‘U” is an instant turn off.
  2. If he works from home…he may not understand a standard workday…Those “wyd”  texts come far too frequently. “Working man!” *eye rolls*
  3. He wants pictures before he asks you for your name
  4. Never asks to meet up but only at night… nah son. I need to see your face in the daylight.
  5. He always TEXTS but never calls…. suspect
  6. He acts like he is the prize and not you… no boo. I am the prize.brain angry
  7. Honestly, trust your GUT. You know deep down if you should take it to the next level and meet offline.
  8. If he is trying to “wife” you without meeting you and making plans for your life and you don’t even know his last name. No No No. I am running for the hills. I don’t want to meet you now and you have found a place on my blocked list.  deal breaker
  9. The forever pen pals. I will leave that there.
  10. He speaks of marriage within the first week of chatting. RED FLAG. RUN!

I think at times I have way too many expectations for some of these guys and other times simply don’t want to be bothered. I am so good in my place of peace that it will take someone really great and worthwhile to get me out. I have had luck in the past with online dating. So I won’t knock it too hard, but I tell you what, it makes it much easier when you know what you want. You won’t waste your time or theirs.

standards

What are some of your woes? I know men have them too! I hear about it all the time! Share!

 

-V.

The Conversation

“Hi! Welcome to J. Alexander, will it be just you dining tonight?”

“Good evening, I am meeting someone, he sho-“ I abruptly stopped talking

I see him stand up and wave.

“Thank you, I see who I am meeting”

“Ok Ma’am, enjoy your meal”

“Thank you” I smiled.

I walk across the restaurant and up the stairs to the table. I pass a hand over my stomach and straighten up my dress a bit.

As I approach the table, he stands up.

“So glad you agreed to meet me.” He says as he kisses me on the cheek

I stiffen up a bit as he nears me and replied, “Sure.”

I sat down in the booth and looked at him. All these thoughts are going through my mind. I haven’t seen him in a year. Out of the blue he called me and asked to meet up to talk. I was a bit apprehensive, but knowing how things ended, it was a good idea to finally get closure once and for all. I have yet to date anyone because of him.

“You seem deep in thought,” he says bringing me back to where I drifted off.

“Yes, I am so sorry, how rude. I was just thinking how long it’s been since we saw each other. Bittersweet.” I say and then look up to meet his gaze.

We sat there for about one minute looking at each other.

“Good evening, I am Shirley, I will be your server this evening” breaking our gaze. “Can I start you off with something to drink?” she addressed me.

“Umm, let me get a…” I grab the menu and quickly browse over the drinks menu.

“I will have a glass of Resiling, thank you.” I tell Shirley. She writes it down and walks away.

“So…” I say to him.

“Look, I know this seems odd for us to be here knowing on things left off but I truly want to clear the air with you. I had a lot of time to think about what happened and I see that we both could have worked harder at making it work.” He tells me.

I took a deep breath.

“We could have. But you just took it too far Daniel. Way too far. I realized in the final moments of our relationship that most days I felt more alone with you than actually being alone. I felt like you weren’t a true friend to me and I couldn’t talk to you about anything.”

I continued, “What is the reason to work for a relationship you treated as something to do on your off time? There were days, you treated me as if I were disposable. I hated feeling like you could do without me and you will be alright.”

“I know. There were a lot of things I needed to work out for myself. And of course tonight I can’t go into it all, but I did treat you that way and I wasn’t at my best.”

The server comes and asks us if we are ready to order.

We both skimmed at the menu and ordered.

“Would you like another Reisling?” She asked.

“Umm, I need something stronger, can I have a vodka and tonic with extra lime?”

“Sure, and you sir?” She asked.

“I will take a whisky on the rocks”

“Is Jack Daniels ok sir?”

“Yes that will do, thank you.”

She turns and attends to another table.

Daniel and I sat there in an uncomfortable silence. Neither of us looking to pick the conversation back up.

“How is Nina?” I asked about his daughter.

He smiled.

“She is good. Spending my money but good. Thanks for asking. She always asks about you.”

“I miss her. Tell her I said hello.”

“I hope one day you will tell her yourself”

We just sat there and looked at each other. I broke the gaze and looked away. This is getting to intense. I don’t know how to feel. I remember how I felt in the relationship with him, but I also remember the good times we had too. I did love him. But most importantly, I never got over how he made me feel. It still troubles me to this day.

“I felt like I was never good enough, that no matter what I did to please you, it wasn’t good enough to make you love me the way I loved you.” I told him.

He sat there and looked at me and reached his hand over the table to touch mine. I pulled my hand back and placed it on my lap.

He sighed and retracted his hands.

“I am sorry. I truly am. You were …sorry. You are a good woman. I didn’t know how to appreciate you.”

“No you didn’t.”

“Do you think we…” He asks.

“Don’t ask me that. Please don’t. I haven’t seen or heard from you in over a year. You don’t have the right to ask me anything with ‘we’”. I said sternly but in a hushed tone.

“I know, I know.” He said looking down.

At just that moment, our food came and we ate silently and commented on the food.

I asked Shirley for yet another vodka and tonic and he declined another drink.

“You are driving home right?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t want you to be under the influence.”

“Well we don’t always get what we want, right?”

He looked frustrated at me and we just sat there in silence.

I looked at my phone under the table and see texts from my friend

“What happened?”

“Omg, the suspense is killing me”

“Be kind girl, he is trying I’m sure. Stay open minded.”

Another friend texts “Tell him where he can go and stay. Loser.”

I sighed and put the phone away.

I honestly don’t know how to feel. I hope he doesn’t think we are going to just magically pick up where we left off.

“This is a lot.” He says.

“It is.”

“Do you think that we can talk again, maybe go for a walk? Have a drink at a bar?”

I didn’t say a word.

He continues after a few minutes “It would be selfish of me to think that things will be better instantly. It will take time, but if I can have you as just a friend to start, I’ll take it. I just want to show you how I value you.”

I look at him and remain silent.

The check came and he paid. I thanked him for the meal.

He offers to walk me to my car as we walk out the restaurant.

I remained silent and began walking and he followed me. We got to my car and I held the handle to unlock my door and placed my handbag on the drivers seat and closed the door and faced him. He looked at me with melancholy. I looked down. He took my hand and held it and said “Can I at least call you tomorrow?”

I replied, “ok.”

He smiled.

“I didn’t say I was going to answer.”

He stopped smiling and then I smirked.

“Drive safe and I will text you to make sure you are home safe and I will call you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight Daniel and thank you for dinner.”

“No, thank you for accompanying me.”

I smiled and got into my car and I watched him walk away in my rearview mirror.

He turned around and our eyes met. I thought to myself. If he calls, I’ll answer.

where_is_the_love__by_timellya1209

-V.