The Apps

Alright y’all. I did it. Yes, I deleted all of my dating apps. I have unsubscribed, stopped payment, deleted profiles and removed them from my cellular devices. I deleted all of those ratchet dating apps. The Bumble, The Hinge, The Match. All of them. And yes, I said “The” in front of all of those horrid apps. Maybe I am being a tad bit dramatic, but I need you guys to understand that this was a big deal for me. I do not go out much and I have relied solely on dating apps on meeting people. It is time to break out of my comfort zone when it comes to dating and step outside of the box because after all, isn’t that where the magic happens? Here are a few reasons why I deleted them:

1. It was the same lame dudes on all of them. They all hit me up on each platform thinking I am a brand new person. Like really man? No, I do not have a twin.

2. It’s frustrating ‘clicking’ ( I use that term loosely) with someone and they disappear.

3. I meet someone, we seem to hit it off, then I realize, he is playing a game and or has a woman at home. I don’t know about you ladies, but I am not trying to reenact SZA’s Weekend song in real life. I ain’t no one’s weekend nothing bih.

4. I fear getting recognized by my new co-workers. The annoying IT guy at my last job hit me up on one of those less desirable apps, like The Tinder or The OKC. I don’t recall; however, it was another bad choice of joining listening to my younger friends who are more carefree and easygoing with dating. Lesson learned. The freaks hang out there. I am sanctified.

5. It felt like a full time job keeping up with all of the messages from the weirdos. Then I got concerned with hurting their feelings. This was not gonna work.

6. I wanted to focus more on myself and my goals and spirituality. Yes, I said spirituality. My chakras need to stay aligned at all times. Prayed up and Saged up in this piece/peace.

I do have some upcoming events which will allow me to be intentional in meeting guys, but it won’t be my overall goal… I’m lying y’all. I’m gonna be scooping eligible bachelors everywhere I go like a mutha. Discreetly, of course! I need to see what’s out there and compare to what I have seen on The Apps. It can’t be that bad in real life. But how will I know if I never go?

Stay tuned… more foolery will be upon us soon.

-V.

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We Are Failing Us

What a week! Phew! Talk about exhausted but I am taking it all in stride because exhausted means that I have been working and that’s always a good thing. So! A couple of things I want to address one being R.Kelly and the other being dating, but the dating will have to wait!

I have gotten into a couple of debates on whether or not we should still listen to his music. I hear folks saying they can separate R.Kelly, the man, and R. Kelly, the pedophile. To me, it’s one of the same. I personally have not listened to any of his music for years once I started hearing the allegations. I am not going to start now. He is definitely a talented man and no one will ever take that away from him, but at what point as a community will we hold him accountable for abusing our girls? Is the CEO of a company who beats his wife off the clock, a genius still? Because he runs a company and makes a lot of money for his shareholders? Once he gets hit with those allegations, he will be asked to step down. The board of directors will not say, “what he does on his own time is his business.” Those allegations are bad for business period. So, why are we excusing R. Kelly? Why are we continuing to give him business and glorify him? We are failing us.

In a Facebook debate today, I had one guy even go as far as compare religion being a detriment to teens and sexual abuse. He said religion causes more psychological abuse than the abuse that R.Kelly has bestowed upon these young minority girls. Like, is this what we are doing now? Just because he made good music? Stir a new batch of Kool-Aid why don’t we. We are failing us. The argument that he was not convicted in the court of law and that there is no real evidence is sickening. Especially from Black people. My people. How many times has justice not been served when the black person was the victim? Don’t worry, I’ll wait…..

Decades later… nothing has changed. How much more evidence do you need? The marriage certificate to a 15 year old as a 27 year old man not enough? The countless testimonies from his family and team and the girls, not enough? Where there is smoke there is fire. These women are not getting paid to do this, to be subjected to criticism for the world. To be made a mockery of and told that they bought it upon themselves. But all we are concerned about is the fact, that he made good music. We are failing us. This whole situation just truly showed me where we are as a people and honestly, its just sad. But hey, he made good music.

-V.

Mary Jane Complex

How many black women relate to the show Being Mary Jane? More than I realized. A part of me did not want to be able to relate to her, but I had to finally fess up and come to terms that I, too, am Mary Jane. Down to the post it notes with positive quotes everywhere. Cliche.

I am Mary Jane. I say this in a sense where, I work in a place, and have worked in places where I was seen as the overly assertive black woman. I have been called a bully even. Ok maybe, when my friend (old coworker) called me that, I had a major chip on my shoulder. I had just moved from New York, felt that I had something to prove, and wanted my new coworkers to see me as someone competent and knowledgeable. So, I flexed my muscles a time or two…ok maybe three. What I did learn from that experience was it is much easier to catch flies with honey than with vinegar. Lessons learned. From then on, I’ve calmed myself down drastically and learn to be more easy going in the workplace and in life overall. The 20’s were filled with life lessons.

Today, I am in a corporate environment and I am learning that less is more in this particular place. It is frowned upon when you are “too black” or “too ethnic” or if you know too much. The less of who you are, the more they like you. The more you are passive they deem you as sweet and cute. I can play the part. But I absolutely HATE IT. I am firm believer in letting your light shine. I am witty and an eager learner. So, I let that shine to some people’s dismay. But I honestly, don’t give a…

We are winding down in 2015 and I have always worked in a hospital setting and took care of patients. I have experienced some racism, but very far and few in-between. Now, in an office setting, I have come to learn that gender inequality is still a major factor in the workplace. I have learned that racism is still a big factor in the workplace. And most importantly, I have learned that the black woman stereotype is at an all time high. I would read about it and never gave it any thought, but now that I am living it, I am appalled.

I recently had a meaningless incident at work about my workspace and coworkers making coffee at my desk and leaving a mess. I have asked jokingly, nicely, assertively for them to clean up after themselves and they just ignore me. This is something that I did not even want at my workstation, but my boss wanted it and told me to “deal with it.” After several attempts of getting it removed, I wrote a nice email to the boss’s boss and those involved in making the coffee to have them remove it after finding dirty supplies in my cabinet. It created uproar! One coworker would reach out to those involved and tell them to forgive me because I am bitter about a job opportunity that didn’t go according to plan. Yes, you heard correct, I am bitter. I actually laughed at this. But, in this situation, it came to me that I was labeled bitter because I wanted my workspace respected. If I were a white woman, would I be labeled bitter? This very woman who called my bitter has cursed out other employees and yelled at her boss and cursed him out. No one ever uttered bitter and her name in the same sentence. Why? She is white. It is ok. Right? I digress…

In an episode of Being Mary Jane during the last season, she called black women, “the ugly black woman.” This is how society sees us. In that episode, I had an Oprah “A Ha!” moment. In a recent episode, it came to light again. Successful, black women are labeled as “the ugly black woman.” When we are assertive in the workplace, we are labeled at the bitch. When we are tired of being hurt by our men, we are labeled as difficult. When will the negative labels be removed when depicting black women? Who will describe us as beautiful, strong and nurturing? We have to define ourselves. I feel that a lot of us do. I know that “I is kind, I is smart, I is important and I is beautiful ”

How can we get society to view us differently and in a more positive light? Are we supposed to be more passive? I don’t think that’s the answer. We all don’t roll our necks and our eyes. We all don’t have attitudes. Every woman has an attitude at some point or another. That is not a color thing.

Finally, to all my black women, collectively, we have to do better if we want better. Let’s not give society something to talk about. Let’s show them who we are. All of our positive attributes. Because at the end of the day, we are not just black women, we are Women. We need more TV shows, and movies that display us in a positive manner. We need more of our men to uplift us, rather than bring us down. It’s a new month, a new day. Shine your light and be the best version of yourself!

-V.