3AM Madness

3am

2:58am

…and I’m thinking of you

Thinking of the possibilities, maybe

I really want to do things right

Afraid of doing something wrong

Reading these books so I don’t fuck it up this time

Finding out that the “rules” are making me insane

3:09am

Obsessing if I am pushing you away rather than drawing you near

I’m obsessing over wanting things to work because I think I like you

Yet not really giving myself a full chance to allow myself to even know if it’s you I want!

3:21am

Overanalyzing is truly bad for the soul

Realizing maybe these books aren’t really helping,

Like to text or not to text?

To act uninterested or shy?

“Don’t call him, let him call you?”

“Play hard to get! Then you get him” kind of books.

Bullshit.

3:45am

I’m seeing that at the right time, and the right man. No matter the circumstance

It will work out… Well unless you start whoring yourself or make it to easy. Wait!

3:00am madness. 

Can’t even finish a positive damn thought without feeding into the poison.

Maybe I should just sleep.

3:59am.

-V.

 

#writing101

That Day

Two posts one day! Two poems to be exact. This poem was written in 2012 and I stumbled upon it recently and fell in love with it all over again. Maybe, its just me. You know I’m an artist and I’m sensitive about my shit… 🙂

That Day
Our eyes locked
At that moment, I saw you
I saw your past hurt
I saw your caution
I saw your heart
That saw mine
We locked gazes
And at the moment nothing else mattered
Not the responsibilities that await our return
Not the commitments that were previously made
Just you and I in that moment
Along with the sun and it’s rays
The trees with their leaves
The stores with their patrons
The birds with their song
That they sang beautifully for us
On that day
The day I saw you

-V.

Up at Night…

The last few nights, I have had trouble sleeping. One reason is that I am in physical pain! I have been working out again and trying to get back in to shape, but that is good pain. But another reason that I haven’t been sleeping well lately is because my prayers are keeping me up at night. Every night, for the past week, I have been praying for all those who are near and dear to my heart. My list is not usually this long, but I have been compelled to keep certain people close in thoughts.

Some of these people that I am praying for I barely speak to due to a conflict or whatever reason may be, but every time I think to not be bothered with them and their issues, I hear a quiet whisper telling me to pray for them. They need not know that I do or why, they just need to have someone’s silent support. So, I lay awake at night and say a prayer unbeknownst to them and afterwards begin to recap all of their troubles. In my mind and heart, I wonder if I feel I can fix all of their woes…I wish I could.

I light a candle, Eucalyptus Mint from Bath and Body Works to be exact. I sit on the edge of my bed and I close my eyes, and then I begin. I pray for my son. I pray you heal his pain from his absent father and lack of a constant male figure in his life. I pray that he doesn’t allow his shortcoming to deter his growth as a man. I pray for my mother and father that although they are not together, they find true happiness with the one that you destined for them. I pray for my best friend, she is far, and going through so much, but I want you to continue to allow me to be a vessel for her and speak life into her whenever you see fit. I pray that she comes back soon (ok maybe a wish). I pray for my siblings and their conquest to find meaning in life. I hope they find and seek you and realize the answers are already there. I pray for my friend who is having marital trouble. I want them to realize that you make no mistakes and the vow they took before you is scared and they continue to work on each other and their union and not give up and again most importantly seek you and place you in their marriage as opposed to their egos. I pray for the last man I recently dated. He hurt me yes, however, his pain is far greater than mine. I pray for his peace. I pray for his healing in his personal difficult time, even though we don’t speak much, I pray for his happiness. I pray for my old boss, I pray for her heart to soften and for whatever reasons she is so wicked she heals from it and finds compassion and happiness. I pray for my future husband. I pray he is well and near by… (the list continues…)

I continue my prayers for almost everyone I come close to at some point or another in life. I have been doing this nightly. And the hardest part is that I almost always forget to pray for myself. This could be the very reason why I am never truly rested lately. Tonight, I am doing things a bit differently, I am going to start with me and end with me. The hard part is that I feel as if I am being selfish when I think like this, but I think it’s needed, for a change.

-V.

Not Your Dream Girl

Happy Saturday!

I wanted to share a poem I wrote a couple of years ago when I got frustrated with being let down in whatever relationship I was in. Now that I am back in the world of dating, or lack thereof, I found this and decided to post.

How many times have we heard that good girls finish last, or good guys finish last? It gets old when you are always finishing last. But I say, stay authentic. Stay true to your values and morals and in the right moment, the person will come along. 🙂 Who God has for me will be for me! #faith

Not Your Dream Girl

You are every man’s dream girl”
Biggest crock of shit if I heard it
Then why are you going to see “her”
If everything you want, I supposedly have it?
You are so amazing
Another line that makes me roll my eyes
If thats what it is, then why would you risk me being with another guy?
I love being around you and your personality is the best
Oh yea? Then why are you letting me slide past you and risk being passed up for the next?
I’m tired of hearing I’m beautiful and how funny you find me to be
I’m tired of being the best choice for some ideal
And quite frankly
I’m just tired of you not choosing me.

***

My friend told me when I read this to her years ago, that it sounded like lyrics to a song! Maybe I should look into song writing too…the possibilities. 🙂

-V.