dilemmas

Discernment Or Fear

If my readers are anything like me, you may tend to struggle with trusting your intuition and discerning God’s voice and just plain old fear. There are times I feel as if I know for a fact that I know what it is I know and no one can tell me differently. Other times, I battle with what is right and what is indeed fear. We all have a fear of being hurt or failing. I think it almost healthy as weird as it sounds. Fear of failing can sometimes fuel or drive us to succeed. However, fear of getting hurt can be crippling, especially if you desire a relationship, a solid one at that. Let’s explore a scenario.

Meet Devon (only because I truly adore Megan’s husband) and Evita. They have been dating for about a month and things are seemingly going well. Evita is very guarded due to her past hurt but is open to love. Devon is also guarded but open and willing to put in the effort in finding a solid relationship. They go out often and he is very attentive and consistent in his pursuit of Evita. Evita, used to dealing with men who have not been consistent, is initially turned off by his pursuit because she isn’t used to this level of consistency however, she is praying and moving forward because she recognizes her annoyance as fear and adjustment to dysfunction. As she gets to know Devon, she is seeing that he embodies the qualities she desires in a man. However, recently she is noticing more inconsistencies in Devon. She decides on falling back on him. Is her decision based on fear? Or is she discerning less than genuine behavior from Devon with his recent inconsistency?

Let’s explore another scenario

Meet Stephen and Carla. They have been in a long term relationship for 3 years. Carla wants to get married and start a family. Stephen is reluctant because of their inability to see eye to eye on so many key issues such as raising a family, cultural differences and how to manage their finances. Carla speaks to her friends about his inability to commit to her and solidify their union. Her friends tell her that Stephen is probably seeing someone else. Carla starts to pick fights with Stephen and accuses him of cheating on her. Stephen accuses Carla of not facing the issue at hand and always wanting to sweep their issues under the rug. He ensures her that he is not cheating on her and truly wants to do the work to make their relationship work and suggests counseling. Carla refuses and breaks up with him. Is her decision based from fear or is she discerning?

I am curious to hear your feedback.

Everyday we have a choice. We can either choose to live in regret and in the past or we can make a choice to do better and to be better.

There are also times where we fight God’s voice because we simply want what we want. The biggest part is knowing the difference between fear and intuition. However, the only way to do so is to pray and to take chances and live like you haven’t been hurt and never failed. Easier said than done. Even I, struggle with this almost everyday. I struggle with this in my current dating life, my relationships with my friends, family members, in my career and with my writing. But everyday, I make a choice to be and do better.

How about you?

-V.

Dear Women Of Today

Dear Women of Today,

You can’t claim you are about empowering other women if at the first chance, you talk down upon one. Empowerment doesn’t work like that.

Continuous negative behavior on each other only gives the oppressor power. The power in which we seek and fight to obtain/sustain for ourselves. Equality in the workplace, governance over our bodies, etc. how can we even ask for positive behaviors from another when we don’t display it towards each other? Doesn’t it concern you too?

When did hatred among other women become so popular?

When did tearing each other down become the norm?

When did bad mouthing another woman become how we bond?

When did being a lady go out of style and replaced by lewd and over sexualized behavior? I’m not knocking it, but when did it become the norm? If one chooses not to engage, they become the odd one out. Isn’t this a cause for concern?

How do we demand so much from our men to protect and provide when we refuse to love and nurture? Now, I can go into the men, but that’s on another day because this is about accountability. Because in all honesty, it’s starts with us. How we govern ourselves.

When was the last time you challenged yourself to be kind? And speak only positive words to other women you cross paths with? If you feel you don’t have anything good to say, how about we simply shut our mouths?

I challenge all women. Are you in?

Love,

V.

We Are Failing Us

What a week! Phew! Talk about exhausted but I am taking it all in stride because exhausted means that I have been working and that’s always a good thing. So! A couple of things I want to address one being R.Kelly and the other being dating, but the dating will have to wait!

I have gotten into a couple of debates on whether or not we should still listen to his music. I hear folks saying they can separate R.Kelly, the man, and R. Kelly, the pedophile. To me, it’s one of the same. I personally have not listened to any of his music for years once I started hearing the allegations. I am not going to start now. He is definitely a talented man and no one will ever take that away from him, but at what point as a community will we hold him accountable for abusing our girls? Is the CEO of a company who beats his wife off the clock, a genius still? Because he runs a company and makes a lot of money for his shareholders? Once he gets hit with those allegations, he will be asked to step down. The board of directors will not say, “what he does on his own time is his business.” Those allegations are bad for business period. So, why are we excusing R. Kelly? Why are we continuing to give him business and glorify him? We are failing us.

In a Facebook debate today, I had one guy even go as far as compare religion being a detriment to teens and sexual abuse. He said religion causes more psychological abuse than the abuse that R.Kelly has bestowed upon these young minority girls. Like, is this what we are doing now? Just because he made good music? Stir a new batch of Kool-Aid why don’t we. We are failing us. The argument that he was not convicted in the court of law and that there is no real evidence is sickening. Especially from Black people. My people. How many times has justice not been served when the black person was the victim? Don’t worry, I’ll wait…..

Decades later… nothing has changed. How much more evidence do you need? The marriage certificate to a 15 year old as a 27 year old man not enough? The countless testimonies from his family and team and the girls, not enough? Where there is smoke there is fire. These women are not getting paid to do this, to be subjected to criticism for the world. To be made a mockery of and told that they bought it upon themselves. But all we are concerned about is the fact, that he made good music. We are failing us. This whole situation just truly showed me where we are as a people and honestly, its just sad. But hey, he made good music.

-V.

Reflections For The Come Up

Hello Guys!! Long time no blog!

We have one more month of 2017 and I will say that I have learned so many life lessons. Some lessons are new, and some I got a refresher course in. Last year with my move to Dallas, things were great! I embarked on a new journey. I loved my job. Everything was amazing. This year started off just as amazing. I fell in love, I felt secure with my position in life and I thought, I just have to maintain and coast upwards. Easy breezy!

Lies.

Major lies.

Then came the summer. The second half of this ratchet year. It was one thing after another. Losing ties with people. Letting people with toxic issues go. Some good and some bad. Health issues, my job went through SEVERE layoffs. I was spared, but the result is stressful nonetheless. But I am staying a float. And lastly, as a mother, I am coping with my son’s mental illness. Teenageism. People get your kids vaccinated. ASAP.

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I want to share with you all some of my lessons that I learned in 2017. Being around new people and experiencing new things came with new lessons. So, here we go!

  1. Say less, observe more.
  2. You will not fit in everywhere. Non-acceptance is a blessing in disguise. Not everyone can handle you in all your humble glory. Envy and jealousy is real!
  3. Your coworkers are NOT your friends. Refer back to #1
  4. Allow your significant other to just be himself or herself.
  5. Communication is key. (oldie but goodie)
  6. It is perfectly ok to say no and walk away from what doesn’t serve your purpose.
  7. The way you think will dictate where you will go in life
  8. Sometimes the bad times are necessary and linger because the lesson God is trying to teach you, you have yet to grasp. I get this now. My turn around is here
  9. NETWORK!!
  10. Value the friends that you have. Near or far.

We are in November, the best month of the year! My birthday month! I plan to start my Christmas decorating THIS WEEK. And I don’t care about the rules! Make the rest of this month and December a positive one. Think positively. Breathe positivity. Live positive. Remember, if you are going through hard times, look for the good. Look for the lessons and that’s how you will find your come up.

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‘Till Next Time!

-V.

The Convo – Part 2

 

I walked in the door and dropped the keys and my purse on the kitchen counter. I kicked off my shoes and left them on the floor in the hallway. I walked towards the couch and pull out my phone. Maybe I should call Kayla. I quickly decided against it. I just don’t have the energy to speak about this dinner with anyone.

I need another drink.

I got up and poured myself a shot of Café Patron. I took a sip, griped the glass with both hands and exhaled deeply as I sat down on the couch trying to recap the dinner with Daniel.

I thought I was over Daniel. I haven’t seen or heard from him in a year. I went out on a couple of dates here and there, but I never took things too far. I agreed to have dinner with him simply out of curiosity. Now, it seems as if curiosity killed the cat. I am here confused over someone I was over months ago.

My phone buzzed.

I walked over and checked my notification.

“Hope you got home safe. Although the evening wasn’t how I thought it would play out in my mind, I am happy at the fact that I got to see you. Goodnight Evelyn.”

I started to respond, but I backspaced and left it at that. Knowing him he already saw the grey bubble appear and disappear.

Right now, I just need things to slow down and make sense to me. I honestly don’t know how I feel.

The phone buzzed again.

This time it’s Xiomara. “Girl, you good?”

“I’m good. Just exhausted. We will catch up at lunch tomorrow.” I replied.

“Night girl” she replies.

I turned off all notifications and turned the phone face down. I guzzled the rest of my Café Patron and headed to my bedroom to get some well-needed rest.

~~~

The morning at the office was a breeze. I had to give a presentation to senior management and it was flawless, so needless to say I am in a great mood, despite last night’s dinner.

I pulled up to Lime, a Mexican spot near the office, to meet with my girls to recap.

I looked and saw Xio and Kayla and waved to them as I got out of my car.

“Hey girls!” I said to both of them.

“Ohhh honey, someone is in a good mood…I wonder if that’s what we are going to talk about?” Kayla asked inquisitively.

“No, boo”, “I just had a great morning at work.” I replied.

“Ugh such a fun killer” said Xio.

I approached the cashier and placed my order. I am cheating today. I earned it.

“I am going to have Nach‘yo Mama’s Nachos with ground beef and all the trimmings! And a frozen sangria.” I told the cashier

“Well daaamn girl, forget your diet huh?” Kayla said.

“Yup!”

Kayla and Xio placed their orders; we grabbed our numbers and looked for an empty table.

“So, let forgo the chit chat and tell us what happened? I texted you and you never replied!” Kayla said.

Xio sat there sipping her frozen sangria and waved the attendant down for our food.

“Ok, so you know I was nervous as hell right? I wore my black dress with the royal blue pumps. I was going to wear red, but decided that wouldn’t be appropriate, don’t need him thinking I was trying to go all out, ya know?” I said.

“Right, the blue pumps are way more appropriate, wear the red ones in his bed instead.” Xio said with a devilish grin.

“No! I can’t with you girl!” I scolded her. We all laughed and I took a sip of my sangria and ate some food, in between bites, I continued.

“Anyway, he stood up”

“Where did you guys go eat?” Kayla interrupted.

“J. Alexander’s. Stop interrupting so I can finish, I only have an hour for lunch! Anywho, he basically wanted to apologize I guess and talk about our relationship and that we could have tried harder. He said he knows he wasn’t his best self, blah blah blah. He mentioned something about how he was going through something or issues that he didn’t want to get into, but that is precisely what I want to know about.”

“What did you say?” Xio asked.

“Well, I told him how I felt at the end of the relationship. I told him how I didn’t feel it was necessary to work things through now, because when we were in the thick of it I felt alone and as if was he no longer interested in me.” I took a slight pause after saying that.

I continued, “He wants to work on us now. I don’t know how I feel. A part of me wants to see what happens and see if he changes, but at my pace. And another part of me is scared of getting sucked in and hurt all over again. I’m scared to love him and I don’t trust him with my heart. But I must say, he looked so good. And his cologne. Lawd have mercy on my soul!”

“Jeez, get a grip Ev.” Kayla laughed.

“Well, you have every right to feel that way. I do commend him for manning up and talking to you in a mature way and not placing blame or yelling. For that he seems to have done some thinking. Danny that I know would have said, ‘F-It and next!’ He is coming for you Ev.” Kayla said.

“The way I see it is you don’t have anything to lose.” Xio said. “ Hear him out, go at your own pace and if he messes up one time…chuck up the deuces. We ain’t 25 anymore honey.”

“Girl please, we age just like fine wine!” I proclaimed.

“Well, aiming to be a vintage wine isn’t hot.” Xio said.

“Ugh, I know! I just need time to gather my thoughts some more. Why would I want to open up that part of me again just to get hurt? Hell, he is talking a good game right now. I bet I won’t hear from him now that he sees it isn’t going to be easy.”

“Did he text you last night?” Xio asked.

“Yeah”

“Then his ass is calling today. Mark my words.”

“Well I am not holding my breath.” I said.

“Girl, we will talk later! I gotta get back to work. My boss is clocking me. Ugh can’t stand his fat ass.” Xio said.

“I hear ya! We should go for brunch on Sunday.” I said.

“Let’s do it!” Kayla responded.

“It’s a date! Bye girls!”

 

-V.

Part 3 coming soon!

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Storms

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On this Sunday cloudy morning

I sit on a bench in the park and listen

There is no sun to illuminate 

There is warm and humid air

Damp concrete ground 

And wet soggy grass

I hear the running water of a man-made river

Reminding nature of the storms that just past

What was tragic hours ago

Results in a beautiful moment of which 

Life can grow 

I sit on this bench witnessing God at His finest

And yet tears fall down my face

Sadness and grief overcomes me

I am alone in the midst of people

Who don’t see me

I am in love with someone

Who doesn’t understand me

Battling depression on the brink of breakdowns and camouflaging it with smiles and laughter reassuring people “I am okay”

I anxiously search for a resolution

Trying to peice my soul back together 

Discreetly so those who love me, those afar, won’t worry about my fragile mind

I am in the eye of my storm 

Desperately seeking shelter

But knowing I must face these waves alone

I sit on this bench with my eyes close hoping God appears and waves his hand to instantly relieve me of my grief 

But when I open them, I’m back to where I started.

Nothing’s change

The tears are still there

The tears are still flowing, like the man-made river I sit in front of

I walk back to my car to face the day masking my tears with laughter and smiles

Battling my storms in silence.

-V.
8/13/17

From Mash Up To Gray

Summer 2017 has not been what I planned it to be. It hasn’t been all bad, but it was not the summer mash up I was hoping for. My second summer in this city, I have moved, car accident, family drama, construction in my new apartment, job is currently going through layoffs, and then some. I now exist in a space of ‘WTF’ and ‘how the hell’.  When will it get back to normal? For the sake of this entry, I affectionately will refer to my supposed ‘All Summer 17 Mash Up’ to ‘Gray Matter‘. With all that said, it was not all bad. I was able to take a step back from people- mainly family or family-ish type folks and re-evaluate their position(s) in my life. I guess, the closer I get to 40, that’s when the IDGAF attitude really kicks in, because my tolerance of things have been at an all time low.

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As I am typing this is, I am battling, how much I will divulge in what I have been going through, and I will give some and I will hold some. I lost 3 people whom I thought were going to be in my life forever. 2 of them are blood related. 1 is/was not. I will say that sometimes, someone can do something to you or your loved one that will never be able to come back from. And in a true Scorpio, sense, they are now dead to me. Harsh, I know. But some times, bridges are meant to burn.

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The other 2 was hard for me. Because I realized, that what they meant to me, I will never be for them, but they are to each other. I felt like the odd one out. I had to be honest with myself and let things go. I care for them. I love them. But I just can’t watch and allow them to ‘handle’ me to their benefit. I admire my father’s attempt to make the unconventional the new normal; however, that norm is not what we are, and I accept it. I made peace with it and I am moving on. Because the reality is… I will never be the sister that they are to each other.Life isn’t fair right?

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Moving on…

Ok, I am tired of writing about this, but I AINT GOT NO REAL FRIENDS IN THIS RATCHET CITY. Yeah, I said it! I have new people I am cool with that I am getting to know as friends, one I never met – coworker (different city) – hard to explain. The other two I work with in my current city and they are great, but it’s hard to establish real trusting friendships with people who already have their circle in tact. I mean who wants to bring in the new girl? I do understand, that not everyone is like me in that sense. No fault to my coworkers, but I get it. Making friends, or forming your own little circle of trust is super hard in your 30’s. Especially, after seeing how shady a lot of people are here. Plus, of course, life in general.

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But on the positive side, I do have an amazing boyfriend, who truly tries his best to integrate me with his ‘circle of trust’and I really like them, but I am the new girl. Heck, I don’t trust so easily myself; I watch how people move first. Again, I get it. It’s just tiring. In Florida and NYC, I was fortunate enough to form some great bonds with people rather quickly. This indeed is a first. But, It’s ok I will deal. – I’m lying. It is NOT okay and I want my own friends! ARRRGGGHHH!

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Ok…Moving on.

We are all entering the final quarter of the year. Just like that 2017 will be over. I am not sure how many of you out there made a list of things you wanted to accomplish and for those of who finished it. I don’t care. 🙂  and for the others who are like me with the same to do list for 2017 still full, we still have 4more months to make our deadlines. I will be slowing down on my social media usage, and pay more attention to my self appointed tasks. I can do this. I think. Most of it. At least half?

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Ok, now I am not sure how many of my followers watch Insecure, but Sunday’s night episode had me all in my feelings. I was jumping out of my bed, because I, too, have dated a Fu&$ Boy who thought he was a ‘good’ dude, in a very similar situation. Some of my friends thought I was doing the most, said I cut folks off to fast and to be patient ( yada yada yada) but who has patience for those type of dudes? Not I. No sir. And hearing Tasha read Lawrence gave me all types of life. I yelled “See! I feel you girl! Know your worth!”

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I am no longer in that space, but I can appreciate the scene. I have been there and I just love good TV.

I took up enough of you guys time! Good Night! Enjoy the rest of this Summer!

‘Till the 4th quarter!

-V.

Crush

girl frustrated

Now that I like you

that I fear you

Afraid of all that could go wrong

Yet hoping for all that I want to be right

Now that I like you

I have anxiety over you

Will you call

Will you text

Will you continue to pursue me

Or pass me up for the next.

Now that my heart sees you 

I’m nervous for you and us

Trying to stay cool 

Being mindful to not always make a fuss

About things I didn’t give two fucks about

Before I liked you

-V.

War

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This is where my heart lies

Between calms and chaos

Behind smiles masking cries

As my love for you grows

My emotions screams

My control dies

My walls struggle to come down

Scared and uncertain

What’s ahead, I’m not sure what lies

Daily I put on my face

Nightly I die

Wanting to put you on

Wanting to hold it inside

What if you fly?

Knowing where my soul resides?

My eyes well up then they dry

In desperate search of a place

So I can retreat and hide

To get it back together

Then walk out and smile

 

 

-V.

 

On This Week’s Episode of Keeping Up With V…

Work:

I can’t say this enough. Women we have to stop tearing each other down. Period. We must hold each other accountable and speak positivity into each other. How will we evolve as people? This seems to be a environment where accountability is shamed and judged. Where morality is spoken of but not proactive and integrity is..what is that again?

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I guess I’ll simply be the sell out or too “corporate” because I hold myself to a higher regard. But guess what ladies? I won’t kick you while you are down, I’ll just slide back in my spot and keep it pushing. When you finally get a hold of yourself, I’ll be here but probably on to bigger and better things. Ya know, like evolving?

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Relationships:

I can’t say this enough. I always choose peace over poison. Peace over drama. Being in relationship, I value this more and more. Witnessing another couple do the complete opposite, makes me value what I have that much more. I always knew he was great. But “our” greatness just elevated. Finding a partner that compliments who you are is a must. Being uplifted, held accountable, having someone support your goals and dreams. Priceless.

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Therefore, I pick and choose my battles with him. I value what we have so much more than simply being right. If I’m always right (which I usually am lol) how will I grow? How will “we” grow? I have no pride when it comes to us. 

Friends:

I have none here in my new area, a few acquaintances, yes.  All of my friends are back home. I hold those I call friends to a higher regard. I have a great man, yes. But to say, I have a good female friend that I can talk to and do things women do- brunch and mimosas duh!- is proving to be difficult. Making friends as an adult is hard in itself but just seeing how those around me move is truly displeasing. I will never be able to replace my best friend- I mean ever! And my friends which we call our crew the circle of greatness. How can that be topped? 

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But it would be nice to find women here of like minds who value peace, have integrity and drama free! Sounds like an ad for friendship. I digress…

Parenting:

My son is going to college in a year and I’m about to not be able to deal. I’m sure I’m not the only parent who feels like their child is still a child and isn’t ready to go out into this cruel, cruel world. The countdown to letting go is about to begin. First they drive you insane with their teenage moody antics, then they have the nerve to want to leave you. But I guess my son never leaving is scary in itself. The mere thought of him yelling “Ma! the meatloaf” from some basement may have me pushing him out the door myself. 

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My son is somewhat of a late bloomer. Girls have started becoming an issue. Out of all the girls he can like, why like the worse one? Is it to spite his poor ole mother? Let me tell it, I will play this card for life with him! I think if he simply let me choose his girlfriends, we both would be happy. …

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… Ok maybe just me. I began to wonder, did I do this to my mom when I brought my first boy home? Yep I sure did. My mom was about to die. I now understand the sentiment…And to think, I just found out about the girl. I haven’t even met her. MomZilla I am. Pray for me guys.

This is it for this week’s edition of Keeping Up With V. ‘Till next time…

-V.