love

Pretty Girl Problems

Men tell me I’m beautiful

And compliment my smile

They lose track of time

Simply by staring in my eyes

All the beauty in the world

Doesn’t make them stick by my side

When awe strikes out at 12

I sit and marvel at their demise

Men tell me I’m amazing

Wish they had a woman like me

May even proposition me for a night

If I accept, my beauty they cease to see

Men ask me why I’m single

They can’t fathom the thought of me alone

When I begin to explain my plight in love

I look around and they are all gone

-V.

The Apps

Alright y’all. I did it. Yes, I deleted all of my dating apps. I have unsubscribed, stopped payment, deleted profiles and removed them from my cellular devices. I deleted all of those ratchet dating apps. The Bumble, The Hinge, The Match. All of them. And yes, I said “The” in front of all of those horrid apps. Maybe I am being a tad bit dramatic, but I need you guys to understand that this was a big deal for me. I do not go out much and I have relied solely on dating apps on meeting people. It is time to break out of my comfort zone when it comes to dating and step outside of the box because after all, isn’t that where the magic happens? Here are a few reasons why I deleted them:

1. It was the same lame dudes on all of them. They all hit me up on each platform thinking I am a brand new person. Like really man? No, I do not have a twin.

2. It’s frustrating ‘clicking’ ( I use that term loosely) with someone and they disappear.

3. I meet someone, we seem to hit it off, then I realize, he is playing a game and or has a woman at home. I don’t know about you ladies, but I am not trying to reenact SZA’s Weekend song in real life. I ain’t no one’s weekend nothing bih.

4. I fear getting recognized by my new co-workers. The annoying IT guy at my last job hit me up on one of those less desirable apps, like The Tinder or The OKC. I don’t recall; however, it was another bad choice of joining listening to my younger friends who are more carefree and easygoing with dating. Lesson learned. The freaks hang out there. I am sanctified.

5. It felt like a full time job keeping up with all of the messages from the weirdos. Then I got concerned with hurting their feelings. This was not gonna work.

6. I wanted to focus more on myself and my goals and spirituality. Yes, I said spirituality. My chakras need to stay aligned at all times. Prayed up and Saged up in this piece/peace.

I do have some upcoming events which will allow me to be intentional in meeting guys, but it won’t be my overall goal… I’m lying y’all. I’m gonna be scooping eligible bachelors everywhere I go like a mutha. Discreetly, of course! I need to see what’s out there and compare to what I have seen on The Apps. It can’t be that bad in real life. But how will I know if I never go?

Stay tuned… more foolery will be upon us soon.

-V.

Crush

girl frustrated

Now that I like you

that I fear you

Afraid of all that could go wrong

Yet hoping for all that I want to be right

Now that I like you

I have anxiety over you

Will you call

Will you text

Will you continue to pursue me

Or pass me up for the next.

Now that my heart sees you 

I’m nervous for you and us

Trying to stay cool 

Being mindful to not always make a fuss

About things I didn’t give two fucks about

Before I liked you

-V.

War

rain gif

This is where my heart lies

Between calms and chaos

Behind smiles masking cries

As my love for you grows

My emotions screams

My control dies

My walls struggle to come down

Scared and uncertain

What’s ahead, I’m not sure what lies

Daily I put on my face

Nightly I die

Wanting to put you on

Wanting to hold it inside

What if you fly?

Knowing where my soul resides?

My eyes well up then they dry

In desperate search of a place

So I can retreat and hide

To get it back together

Then walk out and smile

 

 

-V.

 

V Comes Out to Play! But Went Back Inside.

I haven’t done a week in review in over 2 months! In the past couple weeks, my eventful, uneventful life had some moments. Some moments, I have shared, and some I haven’t. So here is a bit of an update … I finally went out in the evening time to a poetry open mic event… and I went ALONE. Yep, I did it! It was very small and quaint. But overall, I just started talking to people and met some cool people, who even tried to convince me to recite a poem on open mic. I was like oooooooohh noooo. I am NOT ready for all of that. But, in hindsight, I should have. I think soon, I will break my virginity of reciting on open mic. I must relive the Nina moment in Love Jones!

nina hair flying 

Another first in this new town is I finally went on a date. And it was great! We sat and spoke for hours. Nice, right? I was so proud of myself for not bailing out on this one. Ha! But that was the only time I saw this guy. He religiously texts everyday and never skips a day. But he still doesn’t know much about me and doesn’t seem too eager either. Then the textversation gets more sexual. I laugh it off at first, because at the end of the day, that is what’s on their mind. I get it. But express your interest, RESPECTFULLY and move THE FUCK ON. Sorry for the vulgarity, but this is a pet peeve and a common theme I’ve witnessed as of late. I do not engage in it, and it eventually stops, however, when that becomes the only time you engage in this wack ass textversation, it gets really old really fast. When it isn’t him trying to see if you down to Fu- . Then he stops replying or his replies are hour or two apart until you don’t respond and the next day hits you up in the afternoon with “Hey Gorgeous” or “ Hey my boo” my reaction….no reaction. I delete the thread and say to myself, “boy bye.” I can’t with these men. We didn’t even get to date two. Sorry, not sorry. #kanyeshurg

kanye stop it alright 

I must say I love my job. Finally! My coworkers are great and I am really building some friendships with a couple of people and that feels great. What a feeling to be valued at work! I forgot what that felt like. For someone, your boss at that, ask you “What do you think?” Say word???

kelly shocked

I even got an email from a recruiter a couple of days ago about a job opportunities for a manager job in a different company and I have no interest. Why? I have a great schedule, a great manager, and wonderful coworkers. I am not leaving this for the unknown, even for more money. I think I am going to ride this out and just be patient. Things will work out for my favor. I can feel it.

With time, things will get better for me with adjusting to being all alone here, but the way things are panning, that won’t be for long. I am learning to love spending time by myself, catching up on books and just giggling all day when I am at work. If you ask me, I think I have it pretty good here. I think I’ll stay. 

carlton dance

 

-V.

Tears for Fears

Fear reared its ugly head this week and came into my life in many different shapes and forms. At first, I didn’t recognize him, but once he fully infiltrated my life and I succumbed to his desires, did I see it was him. It wasn’t easy, but at last, I sent him packing. Of course, he didn’t go easy and willingly. He begged and pleaded, got down on his knees. Even professed his love for me, but I knew he wasn’t good for me. He wasn’t a part of my plan. So I left anyway.

fear

Leaving was hard. I second-guessed my decision, thought of going back because it was comfortable. Fear was easy. But I am not. It took him longer than I anticipated. I was basking in my glory that I didn’t realize slowly he was making his way into my inner being. It was when he hit me dead in the gut and I fell to my knees did he finally look my in my eyes and kissed me on my lips. He welcomed me home. He wanted me to say good-bye to Faith and Hope and love only him. For days, I allowed him to wrap his love around me, but his selfish, narcissist ways sent me away once again. I told him a few days ago that I want more and no more one-sided love. Faith and Hope never hurt me this way.

beyonce over now

I am back. In all my glory.

Happy One Month Anniversary to Dallas and Me.

 

-V.

Oh, The Dating Woes…

Oh these dating woes…

online dating

I can’t figure it out if it’s just me or if it’s these men I am chatting it up with. I have yet to met anyone in my new town because I think everyone is crazy. I mean some guys love to hit me with the “wyd” after a couple of messages. I am instantly annoyed. To me that symbolizes someone after a hook up. But I try not to be too presumptuous so I play along, only to block them 20 minutes later because they want pictures and tell me how cute I am but don’t truly try to get know me. Is that so much to ask? Apparently so..

rih eye roll

I decided to compile yet another list but this time of online dating turnoffs for most educated women.new-girl-winston-creep

  1. Shorthand is so lazy. WYD, IJS, ‘U” is an instant turn off.
  2. If he works from home…he may not understand a standard workday…Those “wyd”  texts come far too frequently. “Working man!” *eye rolls*
  3. He wants pictures before he asks you for your name
  4. Never asks to meet up but only at night… nah son. I need to see your face in the daylight.
  5. He always TEXTS but never calls…. suspect
  6. He acts like he is the prize and not you… no boo. I am the prize.brain angry
  7. Honestly, trust your GUT. You know deep down if you should take it to the next level and meet offline.
  8. If he is trying to “wife” you without meeting you and making plans for your life and you don’t even know his last name. No No No. I am running for the hills. I don’t want to meet you now and you have found a place on my blocked list.  deal breaker
  9. The forever pen pals. I will leave that there.
  10. He speaks of marriage within the first week of chatting. RED FLAG. RUN!

I think at times I have way too many expectations for some of these guys and other times simply don’t want to be bothered. I am so good in my place of peace that it will take someone really great and worthwhile to get me out. I have had luck in the past with online dating. So I won’t knock it too hard, but I tell you what, it makes it much easier when you know what you want. You won’t waste your time or theirs.

standards

What are some of your woes? I know men have them too! I hear about it all the time! Share!

 

-V.

Relax, Relate, Release…I tried. V’s Week Recap.

my emotions gif

I started the week vowing to myself to be a bit more vulnerable and transparent in my writing. I have spoken mainly about my past – not even in true detail – but in a generalized form. I wanted to dedicate a post a week or maybe biweekly, to a personal journal entry. So I will start today! This is not as easy for me as it may be for others, but here is my week in review… Comment, like, tell me what you think!

Sunday: The morning after a great evening out with one of my closest friends. We went to an art gallery to do press for another dear friend of ours and we started talking to a group of guys that went to college with us. The whole event seems to have been filled with college alumni and this was truly for a great cause. There is nothing like seeing a group of like-minded young professionals doing something positive. Anyway, I did something bold. I did something I never have done before. I approached someone I met the night before whom I felt I connected to. All the signs were there. The stares, the random touches on the arms or back, the smiles. The stolen glances he took. So, we exchanged social media information and I figured, why not be bold! I gave him my number. So, I spent a lot of my Sunday trying to see if he would reach out and he never did. I lose interest fast, so as the evening approached, I let it go. I have other pressing things on my mind. Like Dallas…

A good friend of mine stopped by this evening and gave me a beautiful journal and awesome pen. I can say my friends are amazing in this respect. They support my writing journey. Well some of them at least. This is the second gift I got pertaining to self-improvement this week. The other one was from my bestie! 2 weeks ago, my sister kicked it off with a great book! All simply just because. Then the topic of my ex came about and that’s a whole other journal entry. I just don’t have the energy.

Monday: I am staring at my phone, but not for the guy at the gallery. I am staring and checking at my phone like a mad woman. I am waiting for that job offer. I am at work, checking my email refreshing my inbox, checking spam. Nothing yet. This manager is a bit slow because he is truly busy, so I get it. I am just impatient. Besides the wait, the day was such a blur…

lisa turtle

Tuesday: Still waiting. Spoke to God today on my way to work. I always feel calmer after our talks. But I don’t know if it’s just me but whenever I pray, I feel like He ALWAYS answers my prayers No doubt about it. If I pray for something in particular with my friends, it comes about. If it’s for me, it comes about. I just have a hard time listening when the answer comes. After the workday, I came home and researched my new city that I am determined to move to by the summer. I am looking at neighborhoods, schools for my son, potential hair salons to keep up my hair, joined Meetup and designated my location. If it’s a question of putting it into existence, there is no doubt that I am! But with doing all of that, I begin to get anxiety. No offer still today. I shut down the laptop and go to bed at 9pm. I need to clear my mind.

Wednesday: It’s a good day. Got so much done at work. Boss called me her favorite. I am sure it’s because of my productivity as of late. Again still no phone from Cali with a job offer. I begin to babble a bit to coworkers and I was told that offers are usually on Fridays for our company. I begin to think of all the times I got my offers from them when it came to promotions. I think it was on Fridays. I am driving myself insane now. What if they don’t like me? What if their intentions are not to hire me? Fear kicks in overdrive. Fear is a bitch. I know deep, deep down I have this in the bag, but fear is still seeping in and rearing its ugly head. I got to get a grip. I have my personal training session tonight so that is a great way to stay occupied.

waiting gif

Thursday: I got to work super early, and was nervous about checking Outlook. I must have something today! As it loads, I try to find other things to do, but I am still staring at the “updating this folder” on the bottom waiting for bold lettering to appear…. And…nothing. Shit! Ok, I have to get it together. I will continue to plan my day.

My phone lights up. I check and it’s dude from gallery. Oh yeah, him. He writes me to tell me that he has a girlfriend. (Really? Hmm? Ok) But he would love to be friends and it’s always good to have good people in your corner. I replied back, I agree and we will keep in touch. Or at least I said something of the sorts.

well badu gif

Sigh. Oh well. He was cute. The girlfriend thing threw me off though. Maybe that is why he never approached me fully but was attracted to me. Either way, no love lost. I respect his honesty and I feel empowered to the 10th degree. You don’t know if you don’t ask, right? Precisely. Definitely not a lost there.
cookie-not-so-side-eye

Where is this job offer! Ok. It’s only been 5 business days. Let me get a grip. Hey, positive here…It’s Scandal Thursday and I have to cook food for a work gathering for my mom. Cooking is my therapy. Good things.

olivia wine gif

Friday: I made a pact with God that I will not stress about the job offer. I felt that 9/10 chances I got it. I felt confident in the second interview. The manager is super busy and it did take him 2 weeks and me following up to set up the second interview. I need to relax, relate and release it and allow God to work and be in control. I made a pact with myself to stay positive and not utter one negative thing for a full 24 hours and to be renewed. I also am chilling on the planning and taking a break. I need to breathe and focus on organizing my life and writing. And this is where I am, writing and watching DareDevil with my son. Binge eating a bit and being positive. Next week will be much better and much calmer. In the meantime, it is time to make plan B, plan C and so forth into action. I am determined to get to my desired destination in a few months! No, is NOT an option.

cute-weekend-gif-198

It’s the Weekend!!

 

-V.

Thoughts & Actions

Work hard for what you want because it won’t come to you without a fight. You have to be strong and courageous and know that you can do anything you put your mind to. If somebody puts you down or criticizes you, just keep on believing in yourself and turn it into something positive.”- Leah LaBelle

think positive

There was a time that every thought I had was negative. I always found a way to spin a negative view on what I was dealing with. I had endured so much and became accustomed to suffering. Suffering was a way of life. The only way I knew how to survive. Then one day it clicked when I hit rock bottom and the only way out was up. Since then, I started reading self help books, started trying to find all the good that happens in a single 24 hours, it became a habit. I started giving myself challenges. Don’t speak one negative thing for a full day. Even if I think it, never let the negative words come out of my mouth. Some days were hard, but positive thinking took over my life. Positivity became a habit. A habit I refuse to quit.

minion-gif

So, if you are miserable at work, think is it the job? Or is it your attitude? Try changing your thoughts. Sometimes, it’s not even the job that isn’t making you happy; it’s your outlook on life. Breathing, thinking and living positive makes a world of a difference on how your day goes. This applies to every aspect of your life. Change your way of thinking and you will change your way of life. If a full day is too hard, try positive thinking an hour at a time!

Some Monday Wisdom from V!

positivity

-V.

Happily Single…For Now..

sleep sideways

Is there such a thing as being too comfortable being alone? I was talking to a co-worker today and we were both saying that we are a bit too content with being single. I mean don’t get me wrong, I would like to have a happy marriage and solid relationship, but only with the right person. I will not just give up sleeping diagonally in my bed, watching ratchet TV, my sappy girly shows and cooking at my pleasure. I don’t have to wear cute lounging clothes around the house, and no one is giving me grief about my headscarf. Life is good. Lonely at times but good. I am genuinely happy. To get me out of that space will take an amazing man. I am starting to think he may not exist but only in my mind. BUT I will continue to have FAITH.

Standards gif

I try, but maybe those I pick aren’t whom God is picking. But I will say that every pick is getting better, so the right one is near. Until then, I’ll continue to enjoy sleeping diagonally on my queen size bed, wear my comfy undies and sweats and enjoy Love and Hip Hop, Scandal, The Blacklist and Jane the Virgin.

beyonce gif

 

-V.