faith

Discernment Or Fear

If my readers are anything like me, you may tend to struggle with trusting your intuition and discerning God’s voice and just plain old fear. There are times I feel as if I know for a fact that I know what it is I know and no one can tell me differently. Other times, I battle with what is right and what is indeed fear. We all have a fear of being hurt or failing. I think it almost healthy as weird as it sounds. Fear of failing can sometimes fuel or drive us to succeed. However, fear of getting hurt can be crippling, especially if you desire a relationship, a solid one at that. Let’s explore a scenario.

Meet Devon (only because I truly adore Megan’s husband) and Evita. They have been dating for about a month and things are seemingly going well. Evita is very guarded due to her past hurt but is open to love. Devon is also guarded but open and willing to put in the effort in finding a solid relationship. They go out often and he is very attentive and consistent in his pursuit of Evita. Evita, used to dealing with men who have not been consistent, is initially turned off by his pursuit because she isn’t used to this level of consistency however, she is praying and moving forward because she recognizes her annoyance as fear and adjustment to dysfunction. As she gets to know Devon, she is seeing that he embodies the qualities she desires in a man. However, recently she is noticing more inconsistencies in Devon. She decides on falling back on him. Is her decision based on fear? Or is she discerning less than genuine behavior from Devon with his recent inconsistency?

Let’s explore another scenario

Meet Stephen and Carla. They have been in a long term relationship for 3 years. Carla wants to get married and start a family. Stephen is reluctant because of their inability to see eye to eye on so many key issues such as raising a family, cultural differences and how to manage their finances. Carla speaks to her friends about his inability to commit to her and solidify their union. Her friends tell her that Stephen is probably seeing someone else. Carla starts to pick fights with Stephen and accuses him of cheating on her. Stephen accuses Carla of not facing the issue at hand and always wanting to sweep their issues under the rug. He ensures her that he is not cheating on her and truly wants to do the work to make their relationship work and suggests counseling. Carla refuses and breaks up with him. Is her decision based from fear or is she discerning?

I am curious to hear your feedback.

Everyday we have a choice. We can either choose to live in regret and in the past or we can make a choice to do better and to be better.

There are also times where we fight God’s voice because we simply want what we want. The biggest part is knowing the difference between fear and intuition. However, the only way to do so is to pray and to take chances and live like you haven’t been hurt and never failed. Easier said than done. Even I, struggle with this almost everyday. I struggle with this in my current dating life, my relationships with my friends, family members, in my career and with my writing. But everyday, I make a choice to be and do better.

How about you?

-V.

Reflections For The Come Up

Hello Guys!! Long time no blog!

We have one more month of 2017 and I will say that I have learned so many life lessons. Some lessons are new, and some I got a refresher course in. Last year with my move to Dallas, things were great! I embarked on a new journey. I loved my job. Everything was amazing. This year started off just as amazing. I fell in love, I felt secure with my position in life and I thought, I just have to maintain and coast upwards. Easy breezy!

Lies.

Major lies.

Then came the summer. The second half of this ratchet year. It was one thing after another. Losing ties with people. Letting people with toxic issues go. Some good and some bad. Health issues, my job went through SEVERE layoffs. I was spared, but the result is stressful nonetheless. But I am staying a float. And lastly, as a mother, I am coping with my son’s mental illness. Teenageism. People get your kids vaccinated. ASAP.

eye roll

I want to share with you all some of my lessons that I learned in 2017. Being around new people and experiencing new things came with new lessons. So, here we go!

  1. Say less, observe more.
  2. You will not fit in everywhere. Non-acceptance is a blessing in disguise. Not everyone can handle you in all your humble glory. Envy and jealousy is real!
  3. Your coworkers are NOT your friends. Refer back to #1
  4. Allow your significant other to just be himself or herself.
  5. Communication is key. (oldie but goodie)
  6. It is perfectly ok to say no and walk away from what doesn’t serve your purpose.
  7. The way you think will dictate where you will go in life
  8. Sometimes the bad times are necessary and linger because the lesson God is trying to teach you, you have yet to grasp. I get this now. My turn around is here
  9. NETWORK!!
  10. Value the friends that you have. Near or far.

We are in November, the best month of the year! My birthday month! I plan to start my Christmas decorating THIS WEEK. And I don’t care about the rules! Make the rest of this month and December a positive one. Think positively. Breathe positivity. Live positive. Remember, if you are going through hard times, look for the good. Look for the lessons and that’s how you will find your come up.

riri crown

 

‘Till Next Time!

-V.

Storms

rain gif

 

On this Sunday cloudy morning

I sit on a bench in the park and listen

There is no sun to illuminate 

There is warm and humid air

Damp concrete ground 

And wet soggy grass

I hear the running water of a man-made river

Reminding nature of the storms that just past

What was tragic hours ago

Results in a beautiful moment of which 

Life can grow 

I sit on this bench witnessing God at His finest

And yet tears fall down my face

Sadness and grief overcomes me

I am alone in the midst of people

Who don’t see me

I am in love with someone

Who doesn’t understand me

Battling depression on the brink of breakdowns and camouflaging it with smiles and laughter reassuring people “I am okay”

I anxiously search for a resolution

Trying to peice my soul back together 

Discreetly so those who love me, those afar, won’t worry about my fragile mind

I am in the eye of my storm 

Desperately seeking shelter

But knowing I must face these waves alone

I sit on this bench with my eyes close hoping God appears and waves his hand to instantly relieve me of my grief 

But when I open them, I’m back to where I started.

Nothing’s change

The tears are still there

The tears are still flowing, like the man-made river I sit in front of

I walk back to my car to face the day masking my tears with laughter and smiles

Battling my storms in silence.

-V.
8/13/17

Me, Myself but Why?

art alone man gif
I keep taking deep breaths yet I still feel short of breath

Air is not enough to satisfy my hunger

I drink bottles of water right after another yet my throat is still parched

Water is just not enough to quench my unwavering thirst

I am not comfortable being alone

Yet, I want solitude. What gives?

Isolation is not enough when peace is being sought

So,

I pray

I write

I sing

I dance

All to feel like a bottle of soda shaken up.

Ready to explode.

With any slight release of pressure

My emotions are seeping out the cracks

Just dying of some need to vent …. Nothing.

Filled up with nothing

I want to scream but don’t know why

Why do I want to scream?

Why do I want cry?

I tried. My eyes run dry

I go out alone and watch people smile.

I walk around staring

Forcing a fake smile

and say ‘hello’ when I make eye contact with another being

Looking for my inspiration in the nothing

with everything

I cook myself dinner and stand at the counter

Eating and drinking alone

In my false sense of peace

In my unwanted wanted solitude.

 

-V.

(2016)

#poetry

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

I know it’s been a while since I last blogged, but lately I have been inclined to share a lesson that I had to relearn recently. Whatever you allow to consume your thoughts will soon manifest into reality. Therefore, watch your thoughts for they will become your words. Mind your words for they will become your actions and your actions will be your habits. I know this! At least I thought I did.

Watch-your-thoughts-words-actions-habits

I preached it day in and day out to my friends, but here I was, not even following my own advice. Not following what I read and studied in books. I am here now holding myself accountable and sharing my experience. Recently, a situation came up where I allowed a negative thought to manifest. I began to act in them (only for a short while- which was still too long) I pushed my negative thoughts and insecurity onto someone that has grown close to me. Why? Stupid fear (that jerk again). It took their positive nature to kindly check me, which forced me to pause and say to myself, “Whoa! Who am I becoming?” I then thought, this isn’t a new behavior. I have been doing this for quite some time and always justified it. Not this time. I am thankful that someone was able to be honest and up front with me and communicate it and God allowed me to listen and keep my rebuttals short. Two ears, one mouth. It was time for me to check myself.

oprah i willnot accept that gif

So, I prayed. I read. I prayed some more. I reflected on my behavior. It clicked. I allowed my past hurt to push into current life. In every aspect of my life I needed to redirect my thoughts, words and actions to reflect of what I was feeling. Positive. In order to evolve in light I was destined to shine under, I had to evolve the way I did things, the way I thought and the words I spoke. Again, I prayed. I read some more. I sat in silence and I righted my wrongs. I am still a work in progress, but I realized nothing is the same. Everything is different, so why approach it all in the same way? And I must tell you… I feel so much better!

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-New & Improved V

V Comes Out to Play! But Went Back Inside.

I haven’t done a week in review in over 2 months! In the past couple weeks, my eventful, uneventful life had some moments. Some moments, I have shared, and some I haven’t. So here is a bit of an update … I finally went out in the evening time to a poetry open mic event… and I went ALONE. Yep, I did it! It was very small and quaint. But overall, I just started talking to people and met some cool people, who even tried to convince me to recite a poem on open mic. I was like oooooooohh noooo. I am NOT ready for all of that. But, in hindsight, I should have. I think soon, I will break my virginity of reciting on open mic. I must relive the Nina moment in Love Jones!

nina hair flying 

Another first in this new town is I finally went on a date. And it was great! We sat and spoke for hours. Nice, right? I was so proud of myself for not bailing out on this one. Ha! But that was the only time I saw this guy. He religiously texts everyday and never skips a day. But he still doesn’t know much about me and doesn’t seem too eager either. Then the textversation gets more sexual. I laugh it off at first, because at the end of the day, that is what’s on their mind. I get it. But express your interest, RESPECTFULLY and move THE FUCK ON. Sorry for the vulgarity, but this is a pet peeve and a common theme I’ve witnessed as of late. I do not engage in it, and it eventually stops, however, when that becomes the only time you engage in this wack ass textversation, it gets really old really fast. When it isn’t him trying to see if you down to Fu- . Then he stops replying or his replies are hour or two apart until you don’t respond and the next day hits you up in the afternoon with “Hey Gorgeous” or “ Hey my boo” my reaction….no reaction. I delete the thread and say to myself, “boy bye.” I can’t with these men. We didn’t even get to date two. Sorry, not sorry. #kanyeshurg

kanye stop it alright 

I must say I love my job. Finally! My coworkers are great and I am really building some friendships with a couple of people and that feels great. What a feeling to be valued at work! I forgot what that felt like. For someone, your boss at that, ask you “What do you think?” Say word???

kelly shocked

I even got an email from a recruiter a couple of days ago about a job opportunities for a manager job in a different company and I have no interest. Why? I have a great schedule, a great manager, and wonderful coworkers. I am not leaving this for the unknown, even for more money. I think I am going to ride this out and just be patient. Things will work out for my favor. I can feel it.

With time, things will get better for me with adjusting to being all alone here, but the way things are panning, that won’t be for long. I am learning to love spending time by myself, catching up on books and just giggling all day when I am at work. If you ask me, I think I have it pretty good here. I think I’ll stay. 

carlton dance

 

-V.

Tears for Fears

Fear reared its ugly head this week and came into my life in many different shapes and forms. At first, I didn’t recognize him, but once he fully infiltrated my life and I succumbed to his desires, did I see it was him. It wasn’t easy, but at last, I sent him packing. Of course, he didn’t go easy and willingly. He begged and pleaded, got down on his knees. Even professed his love for me, but I knew he wasn’t good for me. He wasn’t a part of my plan. So I left anyway.

fear

Leaving was hard. I second-guessed my decision, thought of going back because it was comfortable. Fear was easy. But I am not. It took him longer than I anticipated. I was basking in my glory that I didn’t realize slowly he was making his way into my inner being. It was when he hit me dead in the gut and I fell to my knees did he finally look my in my eyes and kissed me on my lips. He welcomed me home. He wanted me to say good-bye to Faith and Hope and love only him. For days, I allowed him to wrap his love around me, but his selfish, narcissist ways sent me away once again. I told him a few days ago that I want more and no more one-sided love. Faith and Hope never hurt me this way.

beyonce over now

I am back. In all my glory.

Happy One Month Anniversary to Dallas and Me.

 

-V.

Mission, Vision & Road Rage

disconnect

For the first time in 7 years, I am alone. Oh! Please do not think that I am sad about this… not in the least. I am actually happy. For the first time in a truly long time I will have time for me for an extended period of time. A part of me is super duper excited at the growth and personal time that starts this evening and the other part of me is scared. I will embrace both feelings are run with it.

I moved to a new state, in a different time zone, in a new city where I don’t know anyone. I have started making new connections but I have only been here 4 days now. I come here with a mission and that is to be great, to create change and to find balance and peace. However, in the next couple of months of solitude, I am seeking to create my vision. I have spent so much time forming my son’s vision and strategizing his mission that I slowly began to lose focus on mine. These next few months will allow me to do just that. I bought a board today and will create a brand spanking new vision board. I am looking forward to this new journey.

Moving to a new foreign place is hard. I am surprised how calm I am when I should be feeling frantic and fearful. Everyone keeps asking me, “How do you feel?” I simply reply, “It hasn’t hit me yet.” Because in all honestly, I still feel like I am on a vacation. As if, I am soon to wake up and will be back in South Florida basking in the humidity. I know that is not happening, but I have yet to have to the “oh shit what the hell did I just do” moment. But I know it is coming…

non texan

 

So, in my new city, I began to compile a list of things that an outsider should know when moving to Dallas. I only have a couple of things that I learned in my four days here but I will begin to share them with you all.

  1. Everyone is super nice. No, like really, really nice. Not even fake nice but genuine. I even spoke to a police officer and I was/still am in shock on how sweet he was and even told me “Welcome to Texas!” (Major eyeballs) (That’s the New Yorker in me…suspect about everything)
  2. The roads are big… hell everything is massive in this state.
  3. People drive like bats flying right out of the depths of hell. They will run your ass off the road. Drive super carefully and floor that gas pedal!     texas drivers
  4. Get a toll tag.
  5. Everyone does not walk around with a cowboy hat and cowboy boots yelling howdy and yee-haw! Shucks, I was looking forward to that.

 

That’s all I have for now, but I am sure as my first full week approaches, I will have so much more. Especially, when I start to explore new places… oh this is going to be fun “y’all”.

 

 

-V.

Relax, Relate, Release…I tried. V’s Week Recap.

my emotions gif

I started the week vowing to myself to be a bit more vulnerable and transparent in my writing. I have spoken mainly about my past – not even in true detail – but in a generalized form. I wanted to dedicate a post a week or maybe biweekly, to a personal journal entry. So I will start today! This is not as easy for me as it may be for others, but here is my week in review… Comment, like, tell me what you think!

Sunday: The morning after a great evening out with one of my closest friends. We went to an art gallery to do press for another dear friend of ours and we started talking to a group of guys that went to college with us. The whole event seems to have been filled with college alumni and this was truly for a great cause. There is nothing like seeing a group of like-minded young professionals doing something positive. Anyway, I did something bold. I did something I never have done before. I approached someone I met the night before whom I felt I connected to. All the signs were there. The stares, the random touches on the arms or back, the smiles. The stolen glances he took. So, we exchanged social media information and I figured, why not be bold! I gave him my number. So, I spent a lot of my Sunday trying to see if he would reach out and he never did. I lose interest fast, so as the evening approached, I let it go. I have other pressing things on my mind. Like Dallas…

A good friend of mine stopped by this evening and gave me a beautiful journal and awesome pen. I can say my friends are amazing in this respect. They support my writing journey. Well some of them at least. This is the second gift I got pertaining to self-improvement this week. The other one was from my bestie! 2 weeks ago, my sister kicked it off with a great book! All simply just because. Then the topic of my ex came about and that’s a whole other journal entry. I just don’t have the energy.

Monday: I am staring at my phone, but not for the guy at the gallery. I am staring and checking at my phone like a mad woman. I am waiting for that job offer. I am at work, checking my email refreshing my inbox, checking spam. Nothing yet. This manager is a bit slow because he is truly busy, so I get it. I am just impatient. Besides the wait, the day was such a blur…

lisa turtle

Tuesday: Still waiting. Spoke to God today on my way to work. I always feel calmer after our talks. But I don’t know if it’s just me but whenever I pray, I feel like He ALWAYS answers my prayers No doubt about it. If I pray for something in particular with my friends, it comes about. If it’s for me, it comes about. I just have a hard time listening when the answer comes. After the workday, I came home and researched my new city that I am determined to move to by the summer. I am looking at neighborhoods, schools for my son, potential hair salons to keep up my hair, joined Meetup and designated my location. If it’s a question of putting it into existence, there is no doubt that I am! But with doing all of that, I begin to get anxiety. No offer still today. I shut down the laptop and go to bed at 9pm. I need to clear my mind.

Wednesday: It’s a good day. Got so much done at work. Boss called me her favorite. I am sure it’s because of my productivity as of late. Again still no phone from Cali with a job offer. I begin to babble a bit to coworkers and I was told that offers are usually on Fridays for our company. I begin to think of all the times I got my offers from them when it came to promotions. I think it was on Fridays. I am driving myself insane now. What if they don’t like me? What if their intentions are not to hire me? Fear kicks in overdrive. Fear is a bitch. I know deep, deep down I have this in the bag, but fear is still seeping in and rearing its ugly head. I got to get a grip. I have my personal training session tonight so that is a great way to stay occupied.

waiting gif

Thursday: I got to work super early, and was nervous about checking Outlook. I must have something today! As it loads, I try to find other things to do, but I am still staring at the “updating this folder” on the bottom waiting for bold lettering to appear…. And…nothing. Shit! Ok, I have to get it together. I will continue to plan my day.

My phone lights up. I check and it’s dude from gallery. Oh yeah, him. He writes me to tell me that he has a girlfriend. (Really? Hmm? Ok) But he would love to be friends and it’s always good to have good people in your corner. I replied back, I agree and we will keep in touch. Or at least I said something of the sorts.

well badu gif

Sigh. Oh well. He was cute. The girlfriend thing threw me off though. Maybe that is why he never approached me fully but was attracted to me. Either way, no love lost. I respect his honesty and I feel empowered to the 10th degree. You don’t know if you don’t ask, right? Precisely. Definitely not a lost there.
cookie-not-so-side-eye

Where is this job offer! Ok. It’s only been 5 business days. Let me get a grip. Hey, positive here…It’s Scandal Thursday and I have to cook food for a work gathering for my mom. Cooking is my therapy. Good things.

olivia wine gif

Friday: I made a pact with God that I will not stress about the job offer. I felt that 9/10 chances I got it. I felt confident in the second interview. The manager is super busy and it did take him 2 weeks and me following up to set up the second interview. I need to relax, relate and release it and allow God to work and be in control. I made a pact with myself to stay positive and not utter one negative thing for a full 24 hours and to be renewed. I also am chilling on the planning and taking a break. I need to breathe and focus on organizing my life and writing. And this is where I am, writing and watching DareDevil with my son. Binge eating a bit and being positive. Next week will be much better and much calmer. In the meantime, it is time to make plan B, plan C and so forth into action. I am determined to get to my desired destination in a few months! No, is NOT an option.

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It’s the Weekend!!

 

-V.

Thoughts & Actions

Work hard for what you want because it won’t come to you without a fight. You have to be strong and courageous and know that you can do anything you put your mind to. If somebody puts you down or criticizes you, just keep on believing in yourself and turn it into something positive.”- Leah LaBelle

think positive

There was a time that every thought I had was negative. I always found a way to spin a negative view on what I was dealing with. I had endured so much and became accustomed to suffering. Suffering was a way of life. The only way I knew how to survive. Then one day it clicked when I hit rock bottom and the only way out was up. Since then, I started reading self help books, started trying to find all the good that happens in a single 24 hours, it became a habit. I started giving myself challenges. Don’t speak one negative thing for a full day. Even if I think it, never let the negative words come out of my mouth. Some days were hard, but positive thinking took over my life. Positivity became a habit. A habit I refuse to quit.

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So, if you are miserable at work, think is it the job? Or is it your attitude? Try changing your thoughts. Sometimes, it’s not even the job that isn’t making you happy; it’s your outlook on life. Breathing, thinking and living positive makes a world of a difference on how your day goes. This applies to every aspect of your life. Change your way of thinking and you will change your way of life. If a full day is too hard, try positive thinking an hour at a time!

Some Monday Wisdom from V!

positivity

-V.