Tears for Fears

Fear reared its ugly head this week and came into my life in many different shapes and forms. At first, I didn’t recognize him, but once he fully infiltrated my life and I succumbed to his desires, did I see it was him. It wasn’t easy, but at last, I sent him packing. Of course, he didn’t go easy and willingly. He begged and pleaded, got down on his knees. Even professed his love for me, but I knew he wasn’t good for me. He wasn’t a part of my plan. So I left anyway.

fear

Leaving was hard. I second-guessed my decision, thought of going back because it was comfortable. Fear was easy. But I am not. It took him longer than I anticipated. I was basking in my glory that I didn’t realize slowly he was making his way into my inner being. It was when he hit me dead in the gut and I fell to my knees did he finally look my in my eyes and kissed me on my lips. He welcomed me home. He wanted me to say good-bye to Faith and Hope and love only him. For days, I allowed him to wrap his love around me, but his selfish, narcissist ways sent me away once again. I told him a few days ago that I want more and no more one-sided love. Faith and Hope never hurt me this way.

beyonce over now

I am back. In all my glory.

Happy One Month Anniversary to Dallas and Me.

 

-V.

My May Flowers

May

Its been a while since I sat down and wrote a blog post! I must say this feels great to be able to sit down now and just release what is on my mind. Today is May 1st and marks the first day of a big month for me. I am moving to a new state. I can’t believe it. I have been running around like a mad woman, trying to do EVERYTHING and finally had to stop and tell myself that I can’t do it all. I must put ME in the forefront.

Today, I didn’t attend church online, but went to church instead and a lot of things dawned on me. I am running in so many directions that the main direction I need to run in, I am not. Many people that know me will tell you that I am not overly religious, but rather more spiritual; however, today I am starting a new journey of reflection and a religious journey by subscribing to some plans that will allow me to commit daily to. I think this month of May needs to be all encompassing and the major transition that I am making needs to be of a positive nature. I am cutting out a lot of ‘noise’ and focusing on what needs to be done…releasing what needs to be released and embracing what needs to be embraced. Love, peace and God.

I look forward to this journey.

-V.

SN: I’ll still be belting out every song on Beyonce’s new album along the way.  I’m kind of a fanatic.

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A Love Poem

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I yearn for love

But I’m scared of love

Getting too comfortable without love

But, we were born to love

Yet we fail at love

We think we should feel love

Instead of being love

We condition love

Not knowing how to show our love

Do you even know, What is love?

Agape love

Eros love

Ludus love

Pragma love

Mania love

Storge love

I want to learn love

All that loves

I don’t know how to love

When I see love…

I run from love

I’m hiding from love

Peeking out to watch love

In awe of love

Can’t fall in love

Questioning love

I need to embrace love

(Sigh) Maybe tomorrow…

-V.
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A Letter To The Boys Who Refused To Be My Man

I read this post and it bought me life! I haven’t been big on reblogging other posts, but this one spoke to me. Love the way she expressed her thoughts and I connected with it!

-V.

Taryn Down Walls

Dear almost-lovers,

Thank you for gifting me withtime I would have otherwise wasted.

If currency could buy minutes, I’d take out a loan too big to ever pay off. More often than not, I look back on a relationship and realize that although lessons had been learned, I could have ended it much sooner. Of course I didn’t, because sometimes your heart forgets what your mind needs, and your nights get lonely, and you settle. So thank you; thank you for reminding me that I should never feel like an option, and when I do…you’re no longer my priority.

Thank you for doing the dirty work.

I take no pleasure in goodbyes. So, even though you didn’t give me one, thank you for not making me come up with the words to break another human’s heart. It crushes my soul to not reciprocate interest. For me, it’s always been easier…

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Making A Lemon Drop With My Lemons

back to work

It’s the last day of the best month of the year (I am a bit partial to my birthday month) and I have enjoyed a great week long vacation from work, if I count the days I haven’t been in the office it would be 10 glorious days. However, tomorrow December 1st, I am due back in. I am dreading the thought of walking back into the office. In the past 10 days, I have spent good times with my loved ones, due to the holiday and friends visiting from out of town. I learned to make a new dessert, White Chocolate Crème Brulee (which was to die for) even bought a cooking blow torch and got real fancy! I should have taken a picture of it! In my time off, I also got to brainstorm on my writing and devote my time to I am V and possibly other ventures. I even did a little henna. I got to truly focus on me. What a concept!

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Tomorrow bright and early, I will be going back to high school- opps I mean work and deal with the mean girls or cliques of my department. Don’t get me wrong I have so much to learn in my job and I honestly like what I do, I just don’t care for the meaningless politics and immature behavior of miserable people. It is also hard to want to do a great job when I am now disengaged at work. Repeated offenses of being labeled, provoked to act a certain way, then receive backlash when I don’t fall for the triggers, lack of direction to perform at my best, but consistently told how I am doing it wrong with more no direction. In occasions where I shine, I am being pushed aside. When I take on initiatives and begin to receive praise, my immediate supervisor finds ways to take it away from me and pass it on to his favs. Now, I have become that employee they tell you not to become in orientation. The disengaged one. I refuse to participate in “fun” activities. No Secret Santa for me (ain’t nothing secret about it), no pot-luck for me, nope I don’t want to do lunch. I stay in my lane and mind my business. But guess what? That is wrong too. I am still labeled as the bitter black woman. Now what? I don’t respond to the negativity and keep to myself, I am bitter. If I respond to it and become more assertive (Note I say assertive, NOT aggressive), I am bitter. If I brown nose and be fake, ignore when they talk about me and participate in bad mouthing others, then viola! I am a shoe in. What’s a girl to do? I always preach about remaining authentic. I can’t conform now. How can I become engaged as an employee and put my best foot forward and stay away from the negative behaviors? The million-dollar question. (I am open to advice!)

So, I use my writing as an outlet. I am more fueled by all of this to do better for myself and follow my dreams. I want to write. I want to be creative and leave that toxic atmosphere and step outside and breathe fresh air. No more labels. I want to simply be V. So everyday, when I go into the office, I remind myself (also have to continue reminding myself) that there is a bigger picture. I have a goal. I try to turn this negative into a positive. I am employed. I actually like what I do. I can learn from this and use my good and bad experiences from it to write. Good days, write. Bad days, write some more.

Last night, I was watching the Soul Train Music Awards, which I enjoyed! I got to hear some of the old songs that I loved when I was growing up. I listened to the acceptance speeches of the ones who received awards and I was inspired yet again. Jill Scott, Tyrese, Babyface. I am sure they all encountered difficulties and were pressured at some point to conform to society norms. Yet they all did not. All remained authentic to themselves, their beliefs and truths. At some point, someone told them they weren’t good. Someone tried to dull his or her shine. How do the greats become great? What are the daily practices of the successful? I thought of these things and realized I can’t give up now. I have to continue the fight and be true to my dreams. I guess tomorrow, I am going to wake up a little early and walk into that office with my head held high and morals in the space and thrive. Hey, I may even put on some red lipstick.

red lips

 

-V.

Fairytale Gone Wrong

***Yet another poem in my archives…hope you guys enjoy! *** -V.

Fairytale 

Rapunzel

Where is my happily ever after

My knight and shining armor?

Did chivalry get lost in the woods

Or did my fairytale dream falter

Who is going to slay the dragon to save me

The fairest of them all

My prince is busy bullshitting with the breeze

And the ogres are risking their lives just for the fall

Far from the graces of which I held my head mighty high

In the tower that seemed too risky to climb

The prince is just too afraid to try

How can I get my happily ever after

When he is in fear of dying?

What happened to the bravery?

…Stories he sold at the round table

Kings would be ashamed for this is how they got their Queens

Or so goes the fable

Pride and fear is the name of the prince’s game

Along with arrogance and pure greed

The days of chivalry are long gone

I’m just sitting in the tower waiting to be free

As I watch my prince chase the whore

It doesn’t look as if my prince is coming to get me.

(It dawned of the princess her prince is royalty no more.

Where is the happily ever after in the end of the book

As I turn page by page I realize this prince just plain old shook)

love-prince-quotes-words-Favim.com-2289134

 

3AM Madness

3am

2:58am

…and I’m thinking of you

Thinking of the possibilities, maybe

I really want to do things right

Afraid of doing something wrong

Reading these books so I don’t fuck it up this time

Finding out that the “rules” are making me insane

3:09am

Obsessing if I am pushing you away rather than drawing you near

I’m obsessing over wanting things to work because I think I like you

Yet not really giving myself a full chance to allow myself to even know if it’s you I want!

3:21am

Overanalyzing is truly bad for the soul

Realizing maybe these books aren’t really helping,

Like to text or not to text?

To act uninterested or shy?

“Don’t call him, let him call you?”

“Play hard to get! Then you get him” kind of books.

Bullshit.

3:45am

I’m seeing that at the right time, and the right man. No matter the circumstance

It will work out… Well unless you start whoring yourself or make it to easy. Wait!

3:00am madness. 

Can’t even finish a positive damn thought without feeding into the poison.

Maybe I should just sleep.

3:59am.

-V.

 

#writing101