Discernment Or Fear

If my readers are anything like me, you may tend to struggle with trusting your intuition and discerning God’s voice and just plain old fear. There are times I feel as if I know for a fact that I know what it is I know and no one can tell me differently. Other times, I battle with what is right and what is indeed fear. We all have a fear of being hurt or failing. I think it almost healthy as weird as it sounds. Fear of failing can sometimes fuel or drive us to succeed. However, fear of getting hurt can be crippling, especially if you desire a relationship, a solid one at that. Let’s explore a scenario.

Meet Devon (only because I truly adore Megan’s husband) and Evita. They have been dating for about a month and things are seemingly going well. Evita is very guarded due to her past hurt but is open to love. Devon is also guarded but open and willing to put in the effort in finding a solid relationship. They go out often and he is very attentive and consistent in his pursuit of Evita. Evita, used to dealing with men who have not been consistent, is initially turned off by his pursuit because she isn’t used to this level of consistency however, she is praying and moving forward because she recognizes her annoyance as fear and adjustment to dysfunction. As she gets to know Devon, she is seeing that he embodies the qualities she desires in a man. However, recently she is noticing more inconsistencies in Devon. She decides on falling back on him. Is her decision based on fear? Or is she discerning less than genuine behavior from Devon with his recent inconsistency?

Let’s explore another scenario

Meet Stephen and Carla. They have been in a long term relationship for 3 years. Carla wants to get married and start a family. Stephen is reluctant because of their inability to see eye to eye on so many key issues such as raising a family, cultural differences and how to manage their finances. Carla speaks to her friends about his inability to commit to her and solidify their union. Her friends tell her that Stephen is probably seeing someone else. Carla starts to pick fights with Stephen and accuses him of cheating on her. Stephen accuses Carla of not facing the issue at hand and always wanting to sweep their issues under the rug. He ensures her that he is not cheating on her and truly wants to do the work to make their relationship work and suggests counseling. Carla refuses and breaks up with him. Is her decision based from fear or is she discerning?

I am curious to hear your feedback.

Everyday we have a choice. We can either choose to live in regret and in the past or we can make a choice to do better and to be better.

There are also times where we fight God’s voice because we simply want what we want. The biggest part is knowing the difference between fear and intuition. However, the only way to do so is to pray and to take chances and live like you haven’t been hurt and never failed. Easier said than done. Even I, struggle with this almost everyday. I struggle with this in my current dating life, my relationships with my friends, family members, in my career and with my writing. But everyday, I make a choice to be and do better.

How about you?

-V.

Storms

rain gif

 

On this Sunday cloudy morning

I sit on a bench in the park and listen

There is no sun to illuminate 

There is warm and humid air

Damp concrete ground 

And wet soggy grass

I hear the running water of a man-made river

Reminding nature of the storms that just past

What was tragic hours ago

Results in a beautiful moment of which 

Life can grow 

I sit on this bench witnessing God at His finest

And yet tears fall down my face

Sadness and grief overcomes me

I am alone in the midst of people

Who don’t see me

I am in love with someone

Who doesn’t understand me

Battling depression on the brink of breakdowns and camouflaging it with smiles and laughter reassuring people “I am okay”

I anxiously search for a resolution

Trying to peice my soul back together 

Discreetly so those who love me, those afar, won’t worry about my fragile mind

I am in the eye of my storm 

Desperately seeking shelter

But knowing I must face these waves alone

I sit on this bench with my eyes close hoping God appears and waves his hand to instantly relieve me of my grief 

But when I open them, I’m back to where I started.

Nothing’s change

The tears are still there

The tears are still flowing, like the man-made river I sit in front of

I walk back to my car to face the day masking my tears with laughter and smiles

Battling my storms in silence.

-V.
8/13/17

Crush

girl frustrated

Now that I like you

that I fear you

Afraid of all that could go wrong

Yet hoping for all that I want to be right

Now that I like you

I have anxiety over you

Will you call

Will you text

Will you continue to pursue me

Or pass me up for the next.

Now that my heart sees you 

I’m nervous for you and us

Trying to stay cool 

Being mindful to not always make a fuss

About things I didn’t give two fucks about

Before I liked you

-V.

War

rain gif

This is where my heart lies

Between calms and chaos

Behind smiles masking cries

As my love for you grows

My emotions screams

My control dies

My walls struggle to come down

Scared and uncertain

What’s ahead, I’m not sure what lies

Daily I put on my face

Nightly I die

Wanting to put you on

Wanting to hold it inside

What if you fly?

Knowing where my soul resides?

My eyes well up then they dry

In desperate search of a place

So I can retreat and hide

To get it back together

Then walk out and smile

 

 

-V.

 

Me, Myself but Why?

art alone man gif
I keep taking deep breaths yet I still feel short of breath

Air is not enough to satisfy my hunger

I drink bottles of water right after another yet my throat is still parched

Water is just not enough to quench my unwavering thirst

I am not comfortable being alone

Yet, I want solitude. What gives?

Isolation is not enough when peace is being sought

So,

I pray

I write

I sing

I dance

All to feel like a bottle of soda shaken up.

Ready to explode.

With any slight release of pressure

My emotions are seeping out the cracks

Just dying of some need to vent …. Nothing.

Filled up with nothing

I want to scream but don’t know why

Why do I want to scream?

Why do I want cry?

I tried. My eyes run dry

I go out alone and watch people smile.

I walk around staring

Forcing a fake smile

and say ‘hello’ when I make eye contact with another being

Looking for my inspiration in the nothing

with everything

I cook myself dinner and stand at the counter

Eating and drinking alone

In my false sense of peace

In my unwanted wanted solitude.

 

-V.

(2016)

#poetry

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

I know it’s been a while since I last blogged, but lately I have been inclined to share a lesson that I had to relearn recently. Whatever you allow to consume your thoughts will soon manifest into reality. Therefore, watch your thoughts for they will become your words. Mind your words for they will become your actions and your actions will be your habits. I know this! At least I thought I did.

Watch-your-thoughts-words-actions-habits

I preached it day in and day out to my friends, but here I was, not even following my own advice. Not following what I read and studied in books. I am here now holding myself accountable and sharing my experience. Recently, a situation came up where I allowed a negative thought to manifest. I began to act in them (only for a short while- which was still too long) I pushed my negative thoughts and insecurity onto someone that has grown close to me. Why? Stupid fear (that jerk again). It took their positive nature to kindly check me, which forced me to pause and say to myself, “Whoa! Who am I becoming?” I then thought, this isn’t a new behavior. I have been doing this for quite some time and always justified it. Not this time. I am thankful that someone was able to be honest and up front with me and communicate it and God allowed me to listen and keep my rebuttals short. Two ears, one mouth. It was time for me to check myself.

oprah i willnot accept that gif

So, I prayed. I read. I prayed some more. I reflected on my behavior. It clicked. I allowed my past hurt to push into current life. In every aspect of my life I needed to redirect my thoughts, words and actions to reflect of what I was feeling. Positive. In order to evolve in light I was destined to shine under, I had to evolve the way I did things, the way I thought and the words I spoke. Again, I prayed. I read some more. I sat in silence and I righted my wrongs. I am still a work in progress, but I realized nothing is the same. Everything is different, so why approach it all in the same way? And I must tell you… I feel so much better!

christina yass gif

-New & Improved V

V Comes Out to Play! But Went Back Inside.

I haven’t done a week in review in over 2 months! In the past couple weeks, my eventful, uneventful life had some moments. Some moments, I have shared, and some I haven’t. So here is a bit of an update … I finally went out in the evening time to a poetry open mic event… and I went ALONE. Yep, I did it! It was very small and quaint. But overall, I just started talking to people and met some cool people, who even tried to convince me to recite a poem on open mic. I was like oooooooohh noooo. I am NOT ready for all of that. But, in hindsight, I should have. I think soon, I will break my virginity of reciting on open mic. I must relive the Nina moment in Love Jones!

nina hair flying 

Another first in this new town is I finally went on a date. And it was great! We sat and spoke for hours. Nice, right? I was so proud of myself for not bailing out on this one. Ha! But that was the only time I saw this guy. He religiously texts everyday and never skips a day. But he still doesn’t know much about me and doesn’t seem too eager either. Then the textversation gets more sexual. I laugh it off at first, because at the end of the day, that is what’s on their mind. I get it. But express your interest, RESPECTFULLY and move THE FUCK ON. Sorry for the vulgarity, but this is a pet peeve and a common theme I’ve witnessed as of late. I do not engage in it, and it eventually stops, however, when that becomes the only time you engage in this wack ass textversation, it gets really old really fast. When it isn’t him trying to see if you down to Fu- . Then he stops replying or his replies are hour or two apart until you don’t respond and the next day hits you up in the afternoon with “Hey Gorgeous” or “ Hey my boo” my reaction….no reaction. I delete the thread and say to myself, “boy bye.” I can’t with these men. We didn’t even get to date two. Sorry, not sorry. #kanyeshurg

kanye stop it alright 

I must say I love my job. Finally! My coworkers are great and I am really building some friendships with a couple of people and that feels great. What a feeling to be valued at work! I forgot what that felt like. For someone, your boss at that, ask you “What do you think?” Say word???

kelly shocked

I even got an email from a recruiter a couple of days ago about a job opportunities for a manager job in a different company and I have no interest. Why? I have a great schedule, a great manager, and wonderful coworkers. I am not leaving this for the unknown, even for more money. I think I am going to ride this out and just be patient. Things will work out for my favor. I can feel it.

With time, things will get better for me with adjusting to being all alone here, but the way things are panning, that won’t be for long. I am learning to love spending time by myself, catching up on books and just giggling all day when I am at work. If you ask me, I think I have it pretty good here. I think I’ll stay. 

carlton dance

 

-V.