Crush

girl frustrated

Now that I like you

that I fear you

Afraid of all that could go wrong

Yet hoping for all that I want to be right

Now that I like you

I have anxiety over you

Will you call

Will you text

Will you continue to pursue me

Or pass me up for the next.

Now that my heart sees you 

I’m nervous for you and us

Trying to stay cool 

Being mindful to not always make a fuss

About things I didn’t give two fucks about

Before I liked you

-V.

War

rain gif

This is where my heart lies

Between calms and chaos

Behind smiles masking cries

As my love for you grows

My emotions screams

My control dies

My walls struggle to come down

Scared and uncertain

What’s ahead, I’m not sure what lies

Daily I put on my face

Nightly I die

Wanting to put you on

Wanting to hold it inside

What if you fly?

Knowing where my soul resides?

My eyes well up then they dry

In desperate search of a place

So I can retreat and hide

To get it back together

Then walk out and smile

 

 

-V.

 

Me, Myself but Why?

art alone man gif
I keep taking deep breaths yet I still feel short of breath

Air is not enough to satisfy my hunger

I drink bottles of water right after another yet my throat is still parched

Water is just not enough to quench my unwavering thirst

I am not comfortable being alone

Yet, I want solitude. What gives?

Isolation is not enough when peace is being sought

So,

I pray

I write

I sing

I dance

All to feel like a bottle of soda shaken up.

Ready to explode.

With any slight release of pressure

My emotions are seeping out the cracks

Just dying of some need to vent …. Nothing.

Filled up with nothing

I want to scream but don’t know why

Why do I want to scream?

Why do I want cry?

I tried. My eyes run dry

I go out alone and watch people smile.

I walk around staring

Forcing a fake smile

and say ‘hello’ when I make eye contact with another being

Looking for my inspiration in the nothing

with everything

I cook myself dinner and stand at the counter

Eating and drinking alone

In my false sense of peace

In my unwanted wanted solitude.

 

-V.

(2016)

#poetry

No Love Lost

I didn’t cry for you
When I left 

I wasn’t sad

When I told you to fuck off

Not a tear fell down my cheek

No sleep was lost by your thought

I didn’t look back

When I walked away

I didn’t think twice 

When I deleted and blocked

You out of my life

It’s as if you never existed

Your deception was fiction

Of a novel so descriptive 

Of your bullshit

That got 1 star

-V

Cold Front

What happens when your heart grows cold for the one that it beats for?

When you are seeking the warmth

But the pain settles in its core

Do you continue to search for the heat?

Or let the hurt fester some more.

This love is a journey

But my body is achy and sore

What happens when your heart grows cold for the one that it beats for?

Hoping for some light in the darkness

Unable to find a way anymore

Heartbeats hums softer

More distant than before

Reminiscent of the heat that once provided comfort

Settling with the chill knowing there is a cold front in store

Accepting the forecast that this love is no more.

 

smoke

 

-V.

You Don’t Want Me

I had a thought, something profound I was trying to say

But in all I realized something …

You don’t want me

I know my worth yet even though, it’s so easy to succumb to what you say…

You don’t want me

I was fooled by your consistency of…texts

That you wanted me?

But I spoke of the need of phone calls to truly get to know you

I got it once…

You don’t want me

I’ve been here for 4 weeks. I’ve seen you once…

You don’t want me

It takes you hours to text me back or it falls short when it is not sexually related

You don’t want me

But you reply fast and for hours when it’s related to possibly sex or you expressing your want of it…

You don’t want me

I ask you of your intentions and you speak so general

“Girl, I’m chill, easy going. Want to get to know you inside and out. I’m passionate and touchy feely.”

Please.

You don’t want me

I ask you… “What’s my last name? What do I do for a living?”

“Girl, I just called you Gonzalez.”

I’m not Hispanic

You don’t want me.

I attempt to ignore the signs

But my uneasiness overwhelms me

I look for excuses for the things you say and do

But in actuality, there aren’t any

You don’t want me

And I won’t be the fool

To only want you.

0 to 100

0 to 100

I am scared to fall in love

‘Like’ freaks me out

The thought of getting hurt again

Is what has kept me in this love drought

I am scared to fall in love

I am starting to like you a bit too much

The anxiety of if you may feel the same

Has got me feeling all types fucked up

I am a ticking time bomb

That is on the road to regression

I was fine in the space I was in

Now, not knowing how you feel

And not being able to ask you to express them

What changed between yesterday and today, is me

I went from “we will see” to

Crying in my bed trying to relax with warm tea

It’s all because I realized I liked you

And I need you to like me…

Sounds so cliché, so elementary

This so all me

This is something I hope you never see

I need to get myself together

This can’t be healthy for my soul

The tears I am crying for fears I am feeling

Shouldn’t be taking control

Why am I scared to love

When it’s all that I’ve asked for

Is it that my soul knows you aren’t right

Or is it the fear of receiving love that is my issue at core

My cancer is love

For many it’s a blessing

For me it’s a false illusion of security that always has me stressing

Over reciprocity?

I need to see a professional

 

-V.

7/25/2016