The Apps

Alright y’all. I did it. Yes, I deleted all of my dating apps. I have unsubscribed, stopped payment, deleted profiles and removed them from my cellular devices. I deleted all of those ratchet dating apps. The Bumble, The Hinge, The Match. All of them. And yes, I said “The” in front of all of those horrid apps. Maybe I am being a tad bit dramatic, but I need you guys to understand that this was a big deal for me. I do not go out much and I have relied solely on dating apps on meeting people. It is time to break out of my comfort zone when it comes to dating and step outside of the box because after all, isn’t that where the magic happens? Here are a few reasons why I deleted them:

1. It was the same lame dudes on all of them. They all hit me up on each platform thinking I am a brand new person. Like really man? No, I do not have a twin.

2. It’s frustrating ‘clicking’ ( I use that term loosely) with someone and they disappear.

3. I meet someone, we seem to hit it off, then I realize, he is playing a game and or has a woman at home. I don’t know about you ladies, but I am not trying to reenact SZA’s Weekend song in real life. I ain’t no one’s weekend nothing bih.

4. I fear getting recognized by my new co-workers. The annoying IT guy at my last job hit me up on one of those less desirable apps, like The Tinder or The OKC. I don’t recall; however, it was another bad choice of joining listening to my younger friends who are more carefree and easygoing with dating. Lesson learned. The freaks hang out there. I am sanctified.

5. It felt like a full time job keeping up with all of the messages from the weirdos. Then I got concerned with hurting their feelings. This was not gonna work.

6. I wanted to focus more on myself and my goals and spirituality. Yes, I said spirituality. My chakras need to stay aligned at all times. Prayed up and Saged up in this piece/peace.

I do have some upcoming events which will allow me to be intentional in meeting guys, but it won’t be my overall goal… I’m lying y’all. I’m gonna be scooping eligible bachelors everywhere I go like a mutha. Discreetly, of course! I need to see what’s out there and compare to what I have seen on The Apps. It can’t be that bad in real life. But how will I know if I never go?

Stay tuned… more foolery will be upon us soon.

-V.

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Reflections For The Come Up

Hello Guys!! Long time no blog!

We have one more month of 2017 and I will say that I have learned so many life lessons. Some lessons are new, and some I got a refresher course in. Last year with my move to Dallas, things were great! I embarked on a new journey. I loved my job. Everything was amazing. This year started off just as amazing. I fell in love, I felt secure with my position in life and I thought, I just have to maintain and coast upwards. Easy breezy!

Lies.

Major lies.

Then came the summer. The second half of this ratchet year. It was one thing after another. Losing ties with people. Letting people with toxic issues go. Some good and some bad. Health issues, my job went through SEVERE layoffs. I was spared, but the result is stressful nonetheless. But I am staying a float. And lastly, as a mother, I am coping with my son’s mental illness. Teenageism. People get your kids vaccinated. ASAP.

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I want to share with you all some of my lessons that I learned in 2017. Being around new people and experiencing new things came with new lessons. So, here we go!

  1. Say less, observe more.
  2. You will not fit in everywhere. Non-acceptance is a blessing in disguise. Not everyone can handle you in all your humble glory. Envy and jealousy is real!
  3. Your coworkers are NOT your friends. Refer back to #1
  4. Allow your significant other to just be himself or herself.
  5. Communication is key. (oldie but goodie)
  6. It is perfectly ok to say no and walk away from what doesn’t serve your purpose.
  7. The way you think will dictate where you will go in life
  8. Sometimes the bad times are necessary and linger because the lesson God is trying to teach you, you have yet to grasp. I get this now. My turn around is here
  9. NETWORK!!
  10. Value the friends that you have. Near or far.

We are in November, the best month of the year! My birthday month! I plan to start my Christmas decorating THIS WEEK. And I don’t care about the rules! Make the rest of this month and December a positive one. Think positively. Breathe positivity. Live positive. Remember, if you are going through hard times, look for the good. Look for the lessons and that’s how you will find your come up.

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‘Till Next Time!

-V.

From Mash Up To Gray

Summer 2017 has not been what I planned it to be. It hasn’t been all bad, but it was not the summer mash up I was hoping for. My second summer in this city, I have moved, car accident, family drama, construction in my new apartment, job is currently going through layoffs, and then some. I now exist in a space of ‘WTF’ and ‘how the hell’.  When will it get back to normal? For the sake of this entry, I affectionately will refer to my supposed ‘All Summer 17 Mash Up’ to ‘Gray Matter. With all that said, it was not all bad. I was able to take a step back from people- mainly family or family-ish type folks and re-evaluate their position(s) in my life. I guess, the closer I get to 40, that’s when the IDGAF attitude really kicks in, because my tolerance of things have been at an all time low.

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As I am typing this is, I am battling, how much I will divulge in what I have been going through, and I will give some and I will hold some. I lost 3 people whom I thought were going to be in my life forever. 2 of them are blood related. 1 is/was not. I will say that sometimes, someone can do something to you or your loved one that will never be able to come back from. And in a true Scorpio, sense, they are now dead to me. Harsh, I know. But some times, bridges are meant to burn.

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The other 2 was hard for me. Because I realized, that what they meant to me, I will never be for them, but they are to each other. I felt like the odd one out. I had to be honest with myself and let things go. I care for them. I love them. But I just can’t watch and allow them to ‘handle’ me to their benefit. I admire my father’s attempt to make the unconventional the new normal; however, that norm is not what we are, and I accept it. I made peace with it and I am moving on. Because the reality is… I will never be the sister that they are to each other.Life isn’t fair right?

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Moving on…

Ok, I am tired of writing about this, but I AINT GOT NO REAL FRIENDS IN THIS RATCHET CITY. Yeah, I said it! I have new people I am cool with that I am getting to know as friends, one I never met – coworker (different city) – hard to explain. The other two I work with in my current city and they are great, but it’s hard to establish real trusting friendships with people who already have their circle in tact. I mean who wants to bring in the new girl? I do understand, that not everyone is like me in that sense. No fault to my coworkers, but I get it. Making friends, or forming your own little circle of trust is super hard in your 30’s. Especially, after seeing how shady a lot of people are here. Plus, of course, life in general.

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But on the positive side, I do have an amazing boyfriend, who truly tries his best to integrate me with his ‘circle of trust’and I really like them, but I am the new girl. Heck, I don’t trust so easily myself; I watch how people move first. Again, I get it. It’s just tiring. In Florida and NYC, I was fortunate enough to form some great bonds with people rather quickly. This indeed is a first. But, It’s ok I will deal. – I’m lying. It is NOT okay and I want my own friends! ARRRGGGHHH!

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Ok…Moving on.

We are all entering the final quarter of the year. Just like that 2017 will be over. I am not sure how many of you out there made a list of things you wanted to accomplish and for those of who finished it. I don’t care. 🙂  and for the others who are like me with the same to do list for 2017 still full, we still have 4more months to make our deadlines. I will be slowing down on my social media usage, and pay more attention to my self appointed tasks. I can do this. I think. Most of it. At least half?

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Ok, now I am not sure how many of my followers watch Insecure, but Sunday’s night episode had me all in my feelings. I was jumping out of my bed, because I, too, have dated a Fu&$ Boy who thought he was a ‘good’ dude, in a very similar situation. Some of my friends thought I was doing the most, said I cut folks off to fast and to be patient ( yada yada yada) but who has patience for those type of dudes? Not I. No sir. And hearing Tasha read Lawrence gave me all types of life. I yelled “See! I feel you girl! Know your worth!”

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I am no longer in that space, but I can appreciate the scene. I have been there and I just love good TV.

I took up enough of you guys time! Good Night! Enjoy the rest of this Summer!

‘Till the 4th quarter!

-V.

Relax, Relate, Release…I tried. V’s Week Recap.

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I started the week vowing to myself to be a bit more vulnerable and transparent in my writing. I have spoken mainly about my past – not even in true detail – but in a generalized form. I wanted to dedicate a post a week or maybe biweekly, to a personal journal entry. So I will start today! This is not as easy for me as it may be for others, but here is my week in review… Comment, like, tell me what you think!

Sunday: The morning after a great evening out with one of my closest friends. We went to an art gallery to do press for another dear friend of ours and we started talking to a group of guys that went to college with us. The whole event seems to have been filled with college alumni and this was truly for a great cause. There is nothing like seeing a group of like-minded young professionals doing something positive. Anyway, I did something bold. I did something I never have done before. I approached someone I met the night before whom I felt I connected to. All the signs were there. The stares, the random touches on the arms or back, the smiles. The stolen glances he took. So, we exchanged social media information and I figured, why not be bold! I gave him my number. So, I spent a lot of my Sunday trying to see if he would reach out and he never did. I lose interest fast, so as the evening approached, I let it go. I have other pressing things on my mind. Like Dallas…

A good friend of mine stopped by this evening and gave me a beautiful journal and awesome pen. I can say my friends are amazing in this respect. They support my writing journey. Well some of them at least. This is the second gift I got pertaining to self-improvement this week. The other one was from my bestie! 2 weeks ago, my sister kicked it off with a great book! All simply just because. Then the topic of my ex came about and that’s a whole other journal entry. I just don’t have the energy.

Monday: I am staring at my phone, but not for the guy at the gallery. I am staring and checking at my phone like a mad woman. I am waiting for that job offer. I am at work, checking my email refreshing my inbox, checking spam. Nothing yet. This manager is a bit slow because he is truly busy, so I get it. I am just impatient. Besides the wait, the day was such a blur…

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Tuesday: Still waiting. Spoke to God today on my way to work. I always feel calmer after our talks. But I don’t know if it’s just me but whenever I pray, I feel like He ALWAYS answers my prayers No doubt about it. If I pray for something in particular with my friends, it comes about. If it’s for me, it comes about. I just have a hard time listening when the answer comes. After the workday, I came home and researched my new city that I am determined to move to by the summer. I am looking at neighborhoods, schools for my son, potential hair salons to keep up my hair, joined Meetup and designated my location. If it’s a question of putting it into existence, there is no doubt that I am! But with doing all of that, I begin to get anxiety. No offer still today. I shut down the laptop and go to bed at 9pm. I need to clear my mind.

Wednesday: It’s a good day. Got so much done at work. Boss called me her favorite. I am sure it’s because of my productivity as of late. Again still no phone from Cali with a job offer. I begin to babble a bit to coworkers and I was told that offers are usually on Fridays for our company. I begin to think of all the times I got my offers from them when it came to promotions. I think it was on Fridays. I am driving myself insane now. What if they don’t like me? What if their intentions are not to hire me? Fear kicks in overdrive. Fear is a bitch. I know deep, deep down I have this in the bag, but fear is still seeping in and rearing its ugly head. I got to get a grip. I have my personal training session tonight so that is a great way to stay occupied.

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Thursday: I got to work super early, and was nervous about checking Outlook. I must have something today! As it loads, I try to find other things to do, but I am still staring at the “updating this folder” on the bottom waiting for bold lettering to appear…. And…nothing. Shit! Ok, I have to get it together. I will continue to plan my day.

My phone lights up. I check and it’s dude from gallery. Oh yeah, him. He writes me to tell me that he has a girlfriend. (Really? Hmm? Ok) But he would love to be friends and it’s always good to have good people in your corner. I replied back, I agree and we will keep in touch. Or at least I said something of the sorts.

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Sigh. Oh well. He was cute. The girlfriend thing threw me off though. Maybe that is why he never approached me fully but was attracted to me. Either way, no love lost. I respect his honesty and I feel empowered to the 10th degree. You don’t know if you don’t ask, right? Precisely. Definitely not a lost there.
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Where is this job offer! Ok. It’s only been 5 business days. Let me get a grip. Hey, positive here…It’s Scandal Thursday and I have to cook food for a work gathering for my mom. Cooking is my therapy. Good things.

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Friday: I made a pact with God that I will not stress about the job offer. I felt that 9/10 chances I got it. I felt confident in the second interview. The manager is super busy and it did take him 2 weeks and me following up to set up the second interview. I need to relax, relate and release it and allow God to work and be in control. I made a pact with myself to stay positive and not utter one negative thing for a full 24 hours and to be renewed. I also am chilling on the planning and taking a break. I need to breathe and focus on organizing my life and writing. And this is where I am, writing and watching DareDevil with my son. Binge eating a bit and being positive. Next week will be much better and much calmer. In the meantime, it is time to make plan B, plan C and so forth into action. I am determined to get to my desired destination in a few months! No, is NOT an option.

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It’s the Weekend!!

 

-V.

My Brother’s Keeper

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January 30th, 2016

0430

I opened my eyes, reached over for my phone and pressed the home button…430am… I put my phone back on the nightstand and closed my eyes. Today is going to be a long day. I am going to see my brother in Canada. I’m a bit scared, but after a few weeks its time to face the music. I opened my eyes again and I stare at the ceiling and say aloud “I can do this.” I push the covers off and sit up slowly. I swing my legs over the bed and plant my feet firmly on the floor. He will never know how this feels again, I thought. As this thought comes to my mind, warm tears start flowing from my eyes. I quickly wipe my tears from my face with my t-shirt and repeat in my mind, I have to be strong. I stand without assistance and make my way to the washroom. It’s time to sing the song and memorize the lyrics.

1205pm

It’s official, I have arrived in this small Canadian town or shall I say village. Everything is shut down, stores are closed, scattered people walking around with their heads down or staring blankly ahead. The weather is about 35 degrees and no sun, cold and overcast. This truly looks like a scene from The Walking Dead. Shit. This is the place where my brother getting his care from. I call for a cab and I stand on the corner with my hands in my pocket waiting a whole 3.5 minutes for my cab to pull up. I get in and tell the driver of my location. He looks at me and nods. Sitting in the cab that smells of curry, old cigarette smoke and a mild stench of body odor, I look at the run down dilapidated buildings and think, its 2016, people still live like this? We are literally a few miles from the U.S. border and things are so completely different. We are truly world’s apart. After a few minutes, we pull up to the hospital and I begin to carefully count my money and pay the driver, I know I am supposed to get $6 dollars back but he just handed me 3 coins. I sat there for a few seconds bewildered and decided to get a good look at the coins before going off! After careful inspection, I see each coin is worth $2. I gathered my belongings and said to my driver, “Have a good day sir and thank you” and he nods at me with no eye contact and shortly after I get out and closed the door, he drives off.

I took a good look at the building took a deep breath and sighed. I picked up my things and walked through the sliding door. I look around and I can’t figure out where to get to the 5th floor. I asked someone that looked like an employee and asked where can I find the neurosurgery floor and she pointed to the elevators and told me the 5th floor. I thanked her and walked down the hall to the elevator bank and I pressed the top button and I waited. This is it, I thought. I am finally here. I hope he isn’t mad that it took me this long to come see him. Finally, the doors open up and I get in and drag my luggage behind me. I press 5 and when I arrive to the floor, I begin to pay attention to the room numbers. 500A, 501A…the hallways are brown and old. Walls are brown, the floor is dark tan and the doors are brown. I walk past a soiled linen basket that is beige but with the stains, its pretty much brown now. Yep, The Walking Dead, I thought. I look up. 505A/505B, 506A…I take a few more steps and I stand before 508A. I knock on the door and I hear “Come in!” I grab the handle of the brown door and turn it and push the door slowly. I have a pit feeling in my gut and I begin to walk slowly into the room. I closed the door behind me and I turn around to see more light brown curtains, I walk over and slowly pulled the curtain back and when I look up I am greeted by the biggest smile I’ve ever seen.

“Vanessa!” He said enthusiastically. And in that very second, all of my fears and my anxiety dissipated. My brother is ok. “Hey you!” I reply back to him. I dropped my stuff and walked over to him sitting in his wheelchair and warmly embraced my other half.

 

-V.

2016 at Midnight

**Disclaimer- Fiction story!”

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(Phone ringing)

“Hello?”

“Girl, why did you answer the phone like someone stole your dog?” said Talia

I sighed “Whatever. What’s up? It’s New Years Eve, I know you guys have a party or two or three to go to”

“Cheer up! Anyway, that is why I called you. You are coming out with me tonight!”

I laughed “Yeah ok. No, tonight, I am going to Netflix and no chill and I bought myself a great bottle of Merlot and cooked a dinner to die for. I am good. But you girls have fun!”

Talia wasn’t having it though “No, I am sick and tired of you being so anti-social. You are going to do something different for a change and you are coming out with me even if I have to drag you out the house myself. Don’t try me Roni”

I rolled my eyes and thought about putting my own foot down and doing what I want which was stay home and relax or I could go out for a change like Talia is forcing me to do and I may actually have a good time.

“Fine. Against my better judgment I will go, BUT you are so driving!”

“Roni, you have a deal. I will pick you up at 9:30pm sharp!” said Talia.

“Uh huh, 9:30pm sharp to you means 10. I’ll be ready at 10p”

“Whatever hoe”

“Love you too! See you later lady” I hung up the phone.

At 10:30pm, Talia sends me a text informing me she is outside and of course I gave her hell for being late as usual.

“You are going to be late to your own funeral. Really a whole hour late?”

“Look Roni, beauty takes time. I have to make sure I look fine for midnight. And girl, you look amazing. I am positive you will find you a boo tonight!”

“Thanks! You look great as well. You will find a new boo tonight. I am so good. I am happy in my life now. Don’t need a man making me miserable.” I told her.

Talia just looked at me and rolled her eyes. I guess she is tired of my speeches on being single and stress free.

We walked into a beautiful home in the suburbs and the décor was beautiful, lights hanging everywhere. The place was packed and everyone was dancing to the 2015 hit Cheerleader by Omi. As I turned around, Talia was rushing off to the other side of the house. I glanced around the room until I spotted the table with the drinks. I walked over to the table trying hard not to bump into the people dancing. I finally got to the table and see Coca-Cola, Sprite, various wines, beer is in the cooler next to the table, then I saw vodka, my poison of choice. I made myself a drink, vodka and a splash of pineapple. I took a few sips and began to feel myself relax a bit. I spotted the DJ across the room and he has his Apple laptop open and headphones half on. He changed up the song and now he is playing Beyonce’s 7/11 song. I started to walk around the room to see if I spot Talia and still nowhere to be found. Ugh. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea. Had I known she was going to leave me once we hit the door I would have sat my butt at home. I pull my clutch from under my arm and pulled out my iPhone and its 11:45pm. 15 minutes until midnight and I am sitting in a strange house and still alone.

I found a seat and sat down, I put my clutch next to me and continue to sip my drink and vibe to the music. I had to give it to the DJ. He is good, everyone is dancing.

“Is this seat taken?”

I looked up and this gorgeous man is standing over me with the nicest smile I have seen in a long time.

“Umm, it is now by you.” I responded

“I’m Sebastian, Happy New Years”

“Nice to meet you and same to you, I’m Veronica but I go by Roni.” I smiled and turned away. He is fine and I am starting to blush and this drink is giving me some sort of liquid courage.

“So Roni, why are you sitting here alone with only a few minutes left until midnight? Where is Mr. Roni?”

“No Mr. Roni” I laughed and continued “I came here with my friend Talia and she kinda got lost in the crowd, what about you? Where is Mrs. Sebastian?”

“Look Roni, I am flattered, you are beautiful and all, but I don’t think we are ready to be married” He joked

“Really sir? You are a trip!” I laughed

“No lady in my life, hence why I am here as well and my friend kinda flowed with the wind tonight once we got here. Guess he didn’t want competition with the ladies.”

“I can see why he would feel that way, one flash of that smile, you will steal any woman he was interested in”

“The only thing I’m thinking of stealing is a kiss at midnight from this beautiful woman sitting next to me”

I swallowed real heard. Oh boy.

“Oh, no one is sitting on the other side of you. So I guess that leaves me huh?” I flirted back.

I looked at my phone and its 11:57pm

I looked at Sebastian “ We have 3 minutes left until 2016, are we sealing it with a kiss?”

He replied, “I would be overjoyed. I can end the year right and start it even better” He said while applying a fresh coat of chapstick. This is going to happen I see.

“I don’t go around kissing men I just me-“

Sebastian grabbed me and put his hand gently around my neck and pulled me in for a kiss.

At that moment, the room stilled. I no longer heard the music; I forget we were in a crowded room. Faintly in the background, I heard a countdown

“10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Happy New Years!” Auld Lang Syne plays in the background and Sebastian and I are sitting in an embrace as we kissed.

I pull back from his embrace after a few moments and I sat there smiling at him.

“Veronica, I don’t know if you felt that, but I know I sure did”

“Oh yea, I felt something alright”

“Let’s dance”

“I’d love to”

Sebastian took my hand and led me to the dance floor as we danced to the next couple of songs. As I look up I see Talia, smiling and giving me a thumbs up and blowing kisses at me. I smiled back at her.

I guess she was right, this year its time to do something different. This is going to be a good year.

 

El Fin.

 

-V.