Storms

rain gif

 

On this Sunday cloudy morning

I sit on a bench in the park and listen

There is no sun to illuminate 

There is warm and humid air

Damp concrete ground 

And wet soggy grass

I hear the running water of a man-made river

Reminding nature of the storms that just past

What was tragic hours ago

Results in a beautiful moment of which 

Life can grow 

I sit on this bench witnessing God at His finest

And yet tears fall down my face

Sadness and grief overcomes me

I am alone in the midst of people

Who don’t see me

I am in love with someone

Who doesn’t understand me

Battling depression on the brink of breakdowns and camouflaging it with smiles and laughter reassuring people “I am okay”

I anxiously search for a resolution

Trying to peice my soul back together 

Discreetly so those who love me, those afar, won’t worry about my fragile mind

I am in the eye of my storm 

Desperately seeking shelter

But knowing I must face these waves alone

I sit on this bench with my eyes close hoping God appears and waves his hand to instantly relieve me of my grief 

But when I open them, I’m back to where I started.

Nothing’s change

The tears are still there

The tears are still flowing, like the man-made river I sit in front of

I walk back to my car to face the day masking my tears with laughter and smiles

Battling my storms in silence.

-V.
8/13/17
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Up at Night…

The last few nights, I have had trouble sleeping. One reason is that I am in physical pain! I have been working out again and trying to get back in to shape, but that is good pain. But another reason that I haven’t been sleeping well lately is because my prayers are keeping me up at night. Every night, for the past week, I have been praying for all those who are near and dear to my heart. My list is not usually this long, but I have been compelled to keep certain people close in thoughts.

Some of these people that I am praying for I barely speak to due to a conflict or whatever reason may be, but every time I think to not be bothered with them and their issues, I hear a quiet whisper telling me to pray for them. They need not know that I do or why, they just need to have someone’s silent support. So, I lay awake at night and say a prayer unbeknownst to them and afterwards begin to recap all of their troubles. In my mind and heart, I wonder if I feel I can fix all of their woes…I wish I could.

I light a candle, Eucalyptus Mint from Bath and Body Works to be exact. I sit on the edge of my bed and I close my eyes, and then I begin. I pray for my son. I pray you heal his pain from his absent father and lack of a constant male figure in his life. I pray that he doesn’t allow his shortcoming to deter his growth as a man. I pray for my mother and father that although they are not together, they find true happiness with the one that you destined for them. I pray for my best friend, she is far, and going through so much, but I want you to continue to allow me to be a vessel for her and speak life into her whenever you see fit. I pray that she comes back soon (ok maybe a wish). I pray for my siblings and their conquest to find meaning in life. I hope they find and seek you and realize the answers are already there. I pray for my friend who is having marital trouble. I want them to realize that you make no mistakes and the vow they took before you is scared and they continue to work on each other and their union and not give up and again most importantly seek you and place you in their marriage as opposed to their egos. I pray for the last man I recently dated. He hurt me yes, however, his pain is far greater than mine. I pray for his peace. I pray for his healing in his personal difficult time, even though we don’t speak much, I pray for his happiness. I pray for my old boss, I pray for her heart to soften and for whatever reasons she is so wicked she heals from it and finds compassion and happiness. I pray for my future husband. I pray he is well and near by… (the list continues…)

I continue my prayers for almost everyone I come close to at some point or another in life. I have been doing this nightly. And the hardest part is that I almost always forget to pray for myself. This could be the very reason why I am never truly rested lately. Tonight, I am doing things a bit differently, I am going to start with me and end with me. The hard part is that I feel as if I am being selfish when I think like this, but I think it’s needed, for a change.

-V.