Tears for Fears

Fear reared its ugly head this week and came into my life in many different shapes and forms. At first, I didn’t recognize him, but once he fully infiltrated my life and I succumbed to his desires, did I see it was him. It wasn’t easy, but at last, I sent him packing. Of course, he didn’t go easy and willingly. He begged and pleaded, got down on his knees. Even professed his love for me, but I knew he wasn’t good for me. He wasn’t a part of my plan. So I left anyway.

fear

Leaving was hard. I second-guessed my decision, thought of going back because it was comfortable. Fear was easy. But I am not. It took him longer than I anticipated. I was basking in my glory that I didn’t realize slowly he was making his way into my inner being. It was when he hit me dead in the gut and I fell to my knees did he finally look my in my eyes and kissed me on my lips. He welcomed me home. He wanted me to say good-bye to Faith and Hope and love only him. For days, I allowed him to wrap his love around me, but his selfish, narcissist ways sent me away once again. I told him a few days ago that I want more and no more one-sided love. Faith and Hope never hurt me this way.

beyonce over now

I am back. In all my glory.

Happy One Month Anniversary to Dallas and Me.

 

-V.

Mission, Vision & Road Rage

disconnect

For the first time in 7 years, I am alone. Oh! Please do not think that I am sad about this… not in the least. I am actually happy. For the first time in a truly long time I will have time for me for an extended period of time. A part of me is super duper excited at the growth and personal time that starts this evening and the other part of me is scared. I will embrace both feelings are run with it.

I moved to a new state, in a different time zone, in a new city where I don’t know anyone. I have started making new connections but I have only been here 4 days now. I come here with a mission and that is to be great, to create change and to find balance and peace. However, in the next couple of months of solitude, I am seeking to create my vision. I have spent so much time forming my son’s vision and strategizing his mission that I slowly began to lose focus on mine. These next few months will allow me to do just that. I bought a board today and will create a brand spanking new vision board. I am looking forward to this new journey.

Moving to a new foreign place is hard. I am surprised how calm I am when I should be feeling frantic and fearful. Everyone keeps asking me, “How do you feel?” I simply reply, “It hasn’t hit me yet.” Because in all honestly, I still feel like I am on a vacation. As if, I am soon to wake up and will be back in South Florida basking in the humidity. I know that is not happening, but I have yet to have to the “oh shit what the hell did I just do” moment. But I know it is coming…

non texan

 

So, in my new city, I began to compile a list of things that an outsider should know when moving to Dallas. I only have a couple of things that I learned in my four days here but I will begin to share them with you all.

  1. Everyone is super nice. No, like really, really nice. Not even fake nice but genuine. I even spoke to a police officer and I was/still am in shock on how sweet he was and even told me “Welcome to Texas!” (Major eyeballs) (That’s the New Yorker in me…suspect about everything)
  2. The roads are big… hell everything is massive in this state.
  3. People drive like bats flying right out of the depths of hell. They will run your ass off the road. Drive super carefully and floor that gas pedal!     texas drivers
  4. Get a toll tag.
  5. Everyone does not walk around with a cowboy hat and cowboy boots yelling howdy and yee-haw! Shucks, I was looking forward to that.

 

That’s all I have for now, but I am sure as my first full week approaches, I will have so much more. Especially, when I start to explore new places… oh this is going to be fun “y’all”.

 

 

-V.

Relax, Relate, Release…I tried. V’s Week Recap.

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I started the week vowing to myself to be a bit more vulnerable and transparent in my writing. I have spoken mainly about my past – not even in true detail – but in a generalized form. I wanted to dedicate a post a week or maybe biweekly, to a personal journal entry. So I will start today! This is not as easy for me as it may be for others, but here is my week in review… Comment, like, tell me what you think!

Sunday: The morning after a great evening out with one of my closest friends. We went to an art gallery to do press for another dear friend of ours and we started talking to a group of guys that went to college with us. The whole event seems to have been filled with college alumni and this was truly for a great cause. There is nothing like seeing a group of like-minded young professionals doing something positive. Anyway, I did something bold. I did something I never have done before. I approached someone I met the night before whom I felt I connected to. All the signs were there. The stares, the random touches on the arms or back, the smiles. The stolen glances he took. So, we exchanged social media information and I figured, why not be bold! I gave him my number. So, I spent a lot of my Sunday trying to see if he would reach out and he never did. I lose interest fast, so as the evening approached, I let it go. I have other pressing things on my mind. Like Dallas…

A good friend of mine stopped by this evening and gave me a beautiful journal and awesome pen. I can say my friends are amazing in this respect. They support my writing journey. Well some of them at least. This is the second gift I got pertaining to self-improvement this week. The other one was from my bestie! 2 weeks ago, my sister kicked it off with a great book! All simply just because. Then the topic of my ex came about and that’s a whole other journal entry. I just don’t have the energy.

Monday: I am staring at my phone, but not for the guy at the gallery. I am staring and checking at my phone like a mad woman. I am waiting for that job offer. I am at work, checking my email refreshing my inbox, checking spam. Nothing yet. This manager is a bit slow because he is truly busy, so I get it. I am just impatient. Besides the wait, the day was such a blur…

lisa turtle

Tuesday: Still waiting. Spoke to God today on my way to work. I always feel calmer after our talks. But I don’t know if it’s just me but whenever I pray, I feel like He ALWAYS answers my prayers No doubt about it. If I pray for something in particular with my friends, it comes about. If it’s for me, it comes about. I just have a hard time listening when the answer comes. After the workday, I came home and researched my new city that I am determined to move to by the summer. I am looking at neighborhoods, schools for my son, potential hair salons to keep up my hair, joined Meetup and designated my location. If it’s a question of putting it into existence, there is no doubt that I am! But with doing all of that, I begin to get anxiety. No offer still today. I shut down the laptop and go to bed at 9pm. I need to clear my mind.

Wednesday: It’s a good day. Got so much done at work. Boss called me her favorite. I am sure it’s because of my productivity as of late. Again still no phone from Cali with a job offer. I begin to babble a bit to coworkers and I was told that offers are usually on Fridays for our company. I begin to think of all the times I got my offers from them when it came to promotions. I think it was on Fridays. I am driving myself insane now. What if they don’t like me? What if their intentions are not to hire me? Fear kicks in overdrive. Fear is a bitch. I know deep, deep down I have this in the bag, but fear is still seeping in and rearing its ugly head. I got to get a grip. I have my personal training session tonight so that is a great way to stay occupied.

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Thursday: I got to work super early, and was nervous about checking Outlook. I must have something today! As it loads, I try to find other things to do, but I am still staring at the “updating this folder” on the bottom waiting for bold lettering to appear…. And…nothing. Shit! Ok, I have to get it together. I will continue to plan my day.

My phone lights up. I check and it’s dude from gallery. Oh yeah, him. He writes me to tell me that he has a girlfriend. (Really? Hmm? Ok) But he would love to be friends and it’s always good to have good people in your corner. I replied back, I agree and we will keep in touch. Or at least I said something of the sorts.

well badu gif

Sigh. Oh well. He was cute. The girlfriend thing threw me off though. Maybe that is why he never approached me fully but was attracted to me. Either way, no love lost. I respect his honesty and I feel empowered to the 10th degree. You don’t know if you don’t ask, right? Precisely. Definitely not a lost there.
cookie-not-so-side-eye

Where is this job offer! Ok. It’s only been 5 business days. Let me get a grip. Hey, positive here…It’s Scandal Thursday and I have to cook food for a work gathering for my mom. Cooking is my therapy. Good things.

olivia wine gif

Friday: I made a pact with God that I will not stress about the job offer. I felt that 9/10 chances I got it. I felt confident in the second interview. The manager is super busy and it did take him 2 weeks and me following up to set up the second interview. I need to relax, relate and release it and allow God to work and be in control. I made a pact with myself to stay positive and not utter one negative thing for a full 24 hours and to be renewed. I also am chilling on the planning and taking a break. I need to breathe and focus on organizing my life and writing. And this is where I am, writing and watching DareDevil with my son. Binge eating a bit and being positive. Next week will be much better and much calmer. In the meantime, it is time to make plan B, plan C and so forth into action. I am determined to get to my desired destination in a few months! No, is NOT an option.

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It’s the Weekend!!

 

-V.

Thoughts & Actions

Work hard for what you want because it won’t come to you without a fight. You have to be strong and courageous and know that you can do anything you put your mind to. If somebody puts you down or criticizes you, just keep on believing in yourself and turn it into something positive.”- Leah LaBelle

think positive

There was a time that every thought I had was negative. I always found a way to spin a negative view on what I was dealing with. I had endured so much and became accustomed to suffering. Suffering was a way of life. The only way I knew how to survive. Then one day it clicked when I hit rock bottom and the only way out was up. Since then, I started reading self help books, started trying to find all the good that happens in a single 24 hours, it became a habit. I started giving myself challenges. Don’t speak one negative thing for a full day. Even if I think it, never let the negative words come out of my mouth. Some days were hard, but positive thinking took over my life. Positivity became a habit. A habit I refuse to quit.

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So, if you are miserable at work, think is it the job? Or is it your attitude? Try changing your thoughts. Sometimes, it’s not even the job that isn’t making you happy; it’s your outlook on life. Breathing, thinking and living positive makes a world of a difference on how your day goes. This applies to every aspect of your life. Change your way of thinking and you will change your way of life. If a full day is too hard, try positive thinking an hour at a time!

Some Monday Wisdom from V!

positivity

-V.

Happily Single…For Now..

sleep sideways

Is there such a thing as being too comfortable being alone? I was talking to a co-worker today and we were both saying that we are a bit too content with being single. I mean don’t get me wrong, I would like to have a happy marriage and solid relationship, but only with the right person. I will not just give up sleeping diagonally in my bed, watching ratchet TV, my sappy girly shows and cooking at my pleasure. I don’t have to wear cute lounging clothes around the house, and no one is giving me grief about my headscarf. Life is good. Lonely at times but good. I am genuinely happy. To get me out of that space will take an amazing man. I am starting to think he may not exist but only in my mind. BUT I will continue to have FAITH.

Standards gif

I try, but maybe those I pick aren’t whom God is picking. But I will say that every pick is getting better, so the right one is near. Until then, I’ll continue to enjoy sleeping diagonally on my queen size bed, wear my comfy undies and sweats and enjoy Love and Hip Hop, Scandal, The Blacklist and Jane the Virgin.

beyonce gif

 

-V.

My Brother’s Keeper

brother keeper

January 30th, 2016

0430

I opened my eyes, reached over for my phone and pressed the home button…430am… I put my phone back on the nightstand and closed my eyes. Today is going to be a long day. I am going to see my brother in Canada. I’m a bit scared, but after a few weeks its time to face the music. I opened my eyes again and I stare at the ceiling and say aloud “I can do this.” I push the covers off and sit up slowly. I swing my legs over the bed and plant my feet firmly on the floor. He will never know how this feels again, I thought. As this thought comes to my mind, warm tears start flowing from my eyes. I quickly wipe my tears from my face with my t-shirt and repeat in my mind, I have to be strong. I stand without assistance and make my way to the washroom. It’s time to sing the song and memorize the lyrics.

1205pm

It’s official, I have arrived in this small Canadian town or shall I say village. Everything is shut down, stores are closed, scattered people walking around with their heads down or staring blankly ahead. The weather is about 35 degrees and no sun, cold and overcast. This truly looks like a scene from The Walking Dead. Shit. This is the place where my brother getting his care from. I call for a cab and I stand on the corner with my hands in my pocket waiting a whole 3.5 minutes for my cab to pull up. I get in and tell the driver of my location. He looks at me and nods. Sitting in the cab that smells of curry, old cigarette smoke and a mild stench of body odor, I look at the run down dilapidated buildings and think, its 2016, people still live like this? We are literally a few miles from the U.S. border and things are so completely different. We are truly world’s apart. After a few minutes, we pull up to the hospital and I begin to carefully count my money and pay the driver, I know I am supposed to get $6 dollars back but he just handed me 3 coins. I sat there for a few seconds bewildered and decided to get a good look at the coins before going off! After careful inspection, I see each coin is worth $2. I gathered my belongings and said to my driver, “Have a good day sir and thank you” and he nods at me with no eye contact and shortly after I get out and closed the door, he drives off.

I took a good look at the building took a deep breath and sighed. I picked up my things and walked through the sliding door. I look around and I can’t figure out where to get to the 5th floor. I asked someone that looked like an employee and asked where can I find the neurosurgery floor and she pointed to the elevators and told me the 5th floor. I thanked her and walked down the hall to the elevator bank and I pressed the top button and I waited. This is it, I thought. I am finally here. I hope he isn’t mad that it took me this long to come see him. Finally, the doors open up and I get in and drag my luggage behind me. I press 5 and when I arrive to the floor, I begin to pay attention to the room numbers. 500A, 501A…the hallways are brown and old. Walls are brown, the floor is dark tan and the doors are brown. I walk past a soiled linen basket that is beige but with the stains, its pretty much brown now. Yep, The Walking Dead, I thought. I look up. 505A/505B, 506A…I take a few more steps and I stand before 508A. I knock on the door and I hear “Come in!” I grab the handle of the brown door and turn it and push the door slowly. I have a pit feeling in my gut and I begin to walk slowly into the room. I closed the door behind me and I turn around to see more light brown curtains, I walk over and slowly pulled the curtain back and when I look up I am greeted by the biggest smile I’ve ever seen.

“Vanessa!” He said enthusiastically. And in that very second, all of my fears and my anxiety dissipated. My brother is ok. “Hey you!” I reply back to him. I dropped my stuff and walked over to him sitting in his wheelchair and warmly embraced my other half.

 

-V.

I Am….V

iam

 

I leap

Through fire through storms

Burned and near drowned

I was handed this platform

Now hand me my crown

 

I jump

Past hurt past insecurities

Painful and some depressing

Looking back they couldn’t stop me

All those lessons were simply blessings

 

I run

From heartbreak from tears

Broken hearts and disappointments

Revealed strength and eased fears

Ready now for real commitment

 

I love

With passion with dedication

Liberation and admiration

Ready to release these inhibitions

And embrace my transformation

 

-V.

A Love Poem

love-151v

 

I yearn for love

But I’m scared of love

Getting too comfortable without love

But, we were born to love

Yet we fail at love

We think we should feel love

Instead of being love

We condition love

Not knowing how to show our love

Do you even know, What is love?

Agape love

Eros love

Ludus love

Pragma love

Mania love

Storge love

I want to learn love

All that loves

I don’t know how to love

When I see love…

I run from love

I’m hiding from love

Peeking out to watch love

In awe of love

Can’t fall in love

Questioning love

I need to embrace love

(Sigh) Maybe tomorrow…

-V.
love-quotes-breaking-down-walls1

Making A Lemon Drop With My Lemons

back to work

It’s the last day of the best month of the year (I am a bit partial to my birthday month) and I have enjoyed a great week long vacation from work, if I count the days I haven’t been in the office it would be 10 glorious days. However, tomorrow December 1st, I am due back in. I am dreading the thought of walking back into the office. In the past 10 days, I have spent good times with my loved ones, due to the holiday and friends visiting from out of town. I learned to make a new dessert, White Chocolate Crème Brulee (which was to die for) even bought a cooking blow torch and got real fancy! I should have taken a picture of it! In my time off, I also got to brainstorm on my writing and devote my time to I am V and possibly other ventures. I even did a little henna. I got to truly focus on me. What a concept!

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Tomorrow bright and early, I will be going back to high school- opps I mean work and deal with the mean girls or cliques of my department. Don’t get me wrong I have so much to learn in my job and I honestly like what I do, I just don’t care for the meaningless politics and immature behavior of miserable people. It is also hard to want to do a great job when I am now disengaged at work. Repeated offenses of being labeled, provoked to act a certain way, then receive backlash when I don’t fall for the triggers, lack of direction to perform at my best, but consistently told how I am doing it wrong with more no direction. In occasions where I shine, I am being pushed aside. When I take on initiatives and begin to receive praise, my immediate supervisor finds ways to take it away from me and pass it on to his favs. Now, I have become that employee they tell you not to become in orientation. The disengaged one. I refuse to participate in “fun” activities. No Secret Santa for me (ain’t nothing secret about it), no pot-luck for me, nope I don’t want to do lunch. I stay in my lane and mind my business. But guess what? That is wrong too. I am still labeled as the bitter black woman. Now what? I don’t respond to the negativity and keep to myself, I am bitter. If I respond to it and become more assertive (Note I say assertive, NOT aggressive), I am bitter. If I brown nose and be fake, ignore when they talk about me and participate in bad mouthing others, then viola! I am a shoe in. What’s a girl to do? I always preach about remaining authentic. I can’t conform now. How can I become engaged as an employee and put my best foot forward and stay away from the negative behaviors? The million-dollar question. (I am open to advice!)

So, I use my writing as an outlet. I am more fueled by all of this to do better for myself and follow my dreams. I want to write. I want to be creative and leave that toxic atmosphere and step outside and breathe fresh air. No more labels. I want to simply be V. So everyday, when I go into the office, I remind myself (also have to continue reminding myself) that there is a bigger picture. I have a goal. I try to turn this negative into a positive. I am employed. I actually like what I do. I can learn from this and use my good and bad experiences from it to write. Good days, write. Bad days, write some more.

Last night, I was watching the Soul Train Music Awards, which I enjoyed! I got to hear some of the old songs that I loved when I was growing up. I listened to the acceptance speeches of the ones who received awards and I was inspired yet again. Jill Scott, Tyrese, Babyface. I am sure they all encountered difficulties and were pressured at some point to conform to society norms. Yet they all did not. All remained authentic to themselves, their beliefs and truths. At some point, someone told them they weren’t good. Someone tried to dull his or her shine. How do the greats become great? What are the daily practices of the successful? I thought of these things and realized I can’t give up now. I have to continue the fight and be true to my dreams. I guess tomorrow, I am going to wake up a little early and walk into that office with my head held high and morals in the space and thrive. Hey, I may even put on some red lipstick.

red lips

 

-V.

Happy Birthday V!

Go! Go! Go! Go V, It’s Ya Birthday!

My son’s card this year!  
A couple of days ago I turned 36 and I must say that it was an amazing day. Honestly, at first I was not in the birthday spirit. My friends and family would ask me if I was making plans for this birthday and my answer was “nah, not in the mood” or “It’s only 36, nothing major, I’ll go hard for 40.” Despite, my lack of wanting to celebrate, it didn’t turn out that way. One of my best friends made plans for us to go to a popular lounge in the area and I obliged. I ended up have a good time. Had my favorite Lychee Martini, about 5 of them! Saw a band perform whom the members I knew since high school and they gave me a birthday shout out which was pretty cool and then I got into the spirit. I ended up celebrating Saturday night, then again on my actual birthday on Sunday all day! My loved ones made me dinner and baked a cake for me and my mother made me dinner and invited people over. I honestly felt the love.

Over the past 36 years, I learned so many life lessons and I feel that I can help others with some of the pain that I have experienced which in turn gave me so much wisdom. I have many more lessons to learn and open to learning for I am a fallible human being in search of the answers to this mystery we call life. Here are the first 20 lessons…

  1. You are going to fail at something. No one is great at everything. Let that go. Use that failure for growth. When live gives you lemons, forget lemonade. Make a lemon drop. Enjoy it and sip it slow.
  2. People disappoint. Never put your all into another fallible human being. Putting people up on a pedestal is a set up for a let down. Be realistic in your expectations in others.
  3. Marriage takes work. I got married early and divorced early. What I learned in my short 2-year stint, I take with me forever. Hence why I have yet to remarry. I know it takes the right person who is also committed to making it work for it to work. Today’s society has way too much comfort in always knowing there is a plan B.
  4. Being a single parent sucks. People need to stop glorifying it. Two-parent household is better than one. But if you are in a toxic situation, save yourself and save your child. But be prepared to deal with all that comes with it. Good and bad.
  5. If you are in a single parent situation. DO NOT talk negatively about the other parent to your child.
  6. More about parenting. It is NOT about you. It is about the child. Selfish behaviors do not work.
  7. Never stop dreaming and accomplishing your goals. Shit gets hard. But that doesn’t mean you give up. Keep on pushing. Go to school, record that demo, start that business, write that book, paint that mural, whatever the dream, don’t stop dreaming it.
  8. Your parents aren’t that crazy. They drive your crazy, but there is a lot of wisdom to be learned from parents and grandparents.
  9. Make time for your self. Stop giving your everything to everyone and every thing. Make time for yourself. Self reflect often.
  10. Pray daily. Speak positives into your life. Negative thinking, negative speaking will get you negative results. I do believe that we manifest our destiny. I do believe that if we believe that something good is going to happen, it will. In the right time, it will. Have Faith and pray.
  11. When people do you wrong, it is a reflection on them, not you. Let that shit go and learn from what you did and move the fuck on. Dwelling on it will make it worse and will have you questioning who you are. Refer to 10.
  12. When you go on a date, people put your damn phones away. It’s rude and your date won’t like it. (See others do it and it irks me) I digress…
  13. About the Exes…leave them in the past. There was a reason why it didn’t work out, right? I know there are exceptions to this but 90% of the time… let that shit go.
  14. When someone shows you who they are believe them. Maya knew what she was talking about. I always used to think I could change what someone meant or going through and justify their actions. You can’t.
  15. Emotional unavailable people. I learned this again recently. Run for the hills. Don’t invest in someone who tells you they are ready when ALL of their actions show that they aren’t. Save yourself and emotions and stay single.
  16. Hurt people hurt people. Even if they do not know they are hurt.
  17. Racism is still every so present. I am dealing with it daily at work and that sucks. How you react to it is how you survive it. Be smart
  18. My biggest lesson here: PAUSE. Do not be so quick to react to everything. PAUSE. Before doing anything and saying anything. Still a work in progress.
  19. Everything you do, do it with integrity. Your work speaks volumes about they type of person you are.
  20. Be humble. Be conscious of what others are going through. Be kind. I learned this the hard way. I used to be unforgiving and I also used to be very black and white. Sometimes life draws you to the gray. The gray isn’t so bad, it’s a time to grow and realize that things are always what you expect them to be. When you think you have it bad, someone has it worse.
  21. Bonus: What my grandmother always told me… you are not the first person to go through what you are going through and you will not be the last. So suck it up and do what needs to be done. It’s never impossible. Hard, maybe, but not impossible.

 

These are my lessons, what are some of yours? I am so grateful for everything that I have went through because it made me who I am. I don’t apologize for loving those I did, or trusting those I have. That’s my super womanpower. I love. I nurture, I encourage. And whomever, I did that for, I have no regrets. I hope it helped. I will do it again any day!

ONE LOVE to ALL!

 

-V.