death

A Friendship Deferred

It has been YEARS. Literally! I have so many changes that I went through, some good and some less then desirable. However, I can say that all the changes that I have endured has shown me growth. One of the most major changes in my adult life – beside giving birth of course, was losing my closest friend. Looking back, I can now say our friendship started deteriorating years before our big blow up. I didn’t want to admit it as it was happening because, she is my best friend, right? Well, in hindsight, that was wrong. I let a lot of things go unsaid and she has too and this is where we are here today. Like many old blog posts, I am going to list my lessons that I learned.

  1. You can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed.
    • This was a big lesson for me when it came to my relationship with my friend. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to grow and find the thing that makes her heart happy again! I realized that I became engrossed in her well-being to where I wasn’t sleeping well. I even went to therapy. I was committed to the cause. I would not share my good news with her in fear that she would internalize it. She would speak negatively about herself and it would drive me crazy. So, I would try to speak life to her. Share stories on my issues that I overcame. Sometimes, it would work and sometimes it wouldn’t. When it didn’t, I processed that as failure. I failed my best friend. Here is the tea, I would have never succeeded in that because she didn’t want it for herself yet. She would have to do her own work in order to be happy. Not fake in front of people, tell them what they want to hear, happy. But truly happy inside and out. What I realized is that every time she regressed and I progressed, we began growing apart.
  2. When things bother you, say it.
    • There were times that I felt she let me down and there are times that I have let her down. It’s the ebb and flow of friendship. The issue is, when I was let down, I never said it. Even if she asked, I would say I am good and its no big deal. It was a big deal but I decided to not say anything, because during those times, she was dealing with things and I didn’t want to cause a burden. I am also sure that the same rings true for her. And when things fester…
  3. Know when it’s time to take a break
    • I knew the time was coming that I needed to take a mental break from the friendship. When asking friends their thoughts on this, I was told I should have just taken it without telling her but, I didn’t feel that would have been right. I am a HUGE energy person. And feeling negative energy for a period of time, it drags me down. She got to a point where she was my negative energy. Even typing this makes me feel bad, but it is my truth and there is no need to sugar coat now. I felt her sadness, her unhappiness. Through the smiles and laughter and “I’m great!’ claims. She wasn’t and I knew it. I had to revert back to lesson 1. You can’t fix someone who doesn’t see there is an issue or is in denial. It just doesn’t work.
  4. People grow apart and that’s ok
    • After 20 years of friendship – more like 22 years! People grow apart. I took a path of spirituality and healing. I worked on myself constantly and kept picking myself up after I fell and kept trying no matter how risky. I feel that if you don’t try then you won’t succeed. Her path was a bit different. She is more a play it safe person. And that is ok. But what ends up happening, we simply stop agreeing on certain things. We stop having the same interests. I began aligning myself with those whose interest resemble mine and she was doing the same. Instead of understanding each other, we judged. Silently. This is where blow ups start brewing.
  5. Delivery is essential.
    • I am the queen of being misunderstood. Sometimes, the things I want to convey, gets lost in translation. I forget to say what I wanted and can get side tracked. I am better at writing. So one day, I decided to send an email on my thoughts. I read and re-read. Kept it positive and stated my need of space for a while. What I got in return was every thing but what I put in. I got attacked. And I will say, when someone begins to throw things in your face for what they have done for you and what you never did, despite knowing the struggles you had is a low blow. The things that was said was hurtful. But remaining true to myself, I never said anything negative in return. I thought it, and I was in my right, but knew my harsh words would have done more harm than good. But what that let me know is that our friendship was already gone. There are things you don’t say to people and can ever take back and that is where we were. Funny thing is that, I told a mutual friend that I would have been ok if she called me a bald headed hoe because she was upset. But the route she took was friendship killing.
    • My lesson in that is delivery is everything. What I would have done differently is kept my email but read it aloud to her. I wouldn’t take my words back because I meant it all and words are power. But it would have allowed her to see my tone and not the tone she may have imagined. But what I refused to do is intentionally hurt someone by saying things I know would attack them to the core because I know her and what things to say to cause damage. It was just something I am not about. Sometimes it takes things like this to show you how those you value really feel about you. It is not about the gifts or the superficial things she gave through the years. I have never been about that. It is about how they treat you when they are backed against the wall.

I think losing a friend is a big moment in a lot of people’s lives. That was my moment. I learned and I grew from it. I continued to pray about it and still for her happiness. Because you can’t leave a 22 year friendship and still not wish them the best. Losing this friendship, as odd as it seems, was essential. A major realization was that I no longer felt good sharing my good news with her. If you can’t share your highs with your best friend, then are they really? No. At times, I ask myself, “do you miss her?” and my true answer is that I miss having her as my friend, but not the way it was the past few years. Since then, God has blessed me with great connections with like minded people. I will take my lessons and apply it with care moving forward!

Do you have a similar story? Message me and let’s chat! What were your lessons?

-V.

My Brother’s Keeper

brother keeper

January 30th, 2016

0430

I opened my eyes, reached over for my phone and pressed the home button…430am… I put my phone back on the nightstand and closed my eyes. Today is going to be a long day. I am going to see my brother in Canada. I’m a bit scared, but after a few weeks its time to face the music. I opened my eyes again and I stare at the ceiling and say aloud “I can do this.” I push the covers off and sit up slowly. I swing my legs over the bed and plant my feet firmly on the floor. He will never know how this feels again, I thought. As this thought comes to my mind, warm tears start flowing from my eyes. I quickly wipe my tears from my face with my t-shirt and repeat in my mind, I have to be strong. I stand without assistance and make my way to the washroom. It’s time to sing the song and memorize the lyrics.

1205pm

It’s official, I have arrived in this small Canadian town or shall I say village. Everything is shut down, stores are closed, scattered people walking around with their heads down or staring blankly ahead. The weather is about 35 degrees and no sun, cold and overcast. This truly looks like a scene from The Walking Dead. Shit. This is the place where my brother getting his care from. I call for a cab and I stand on the corner with my hands in my pocket waiting a whole 3.5 minutes for my cab to pull up. I get in and tell the driver of my location. He looks at me and nods. Sitting in the cab that smells of curry, old cigarette smoke and a mild stench of body odor, I look at the run down dilapidated buildings and think, its 2016, people still live like this? We are literally a few miles from the U.S. border and things are so completely different. We are truly world’s apart. After a few minutes, we pull up to the hospital and I begin to carefully count my money and pay the driver, I know I am supposed to get $6 dollars back but he just handed me 3 coins. I sat there for a few seconds bewildered and decided to get a good look at the coins before going off! After careful inspection, I see each coin is worth $2. I gathered my belongings and said to my driver, “Have a good day sir and thank you” and he nods at me with no eye contact and shortly after I get out and closed the door, he drives off.

I took a good look at the building took a deep breath and sighed. I picked up my things and walked through the sliding door. I look around and I can’t figure out where to get to the 5th floor. I asked someone that looked like an employee and asked where can I find the neurosurgery floor and she pointed to the elevators and told me the 5th floor. I thanked her and walked down the hall to the elevator bank and I pressed the top button and I waited. This is it, I thought. I am finally here. I hope he isn’t mad that it took me this long to come see him. Finally, the doors open up and I get in and drag my luggage behind me. I press 5 and when I arrive to the floor, I begin to pay attention to the room numbers. 500A, 501A…the hallways are brown and old. Walls are brown, the floor is dark tan and the doors are brown. I walk past a soiled linen basket that is beige but with the stains, its pretty much brown now. Yep, The Walking Dead, I thought. I look up. 505A/505B, 506A…I take a few more steps and I stand before 508A. I knock on the door and I hear “Come in!” I grab the handle of the brown door and turn it and push the door slowly. I have a pit feeling in my gut and I begin to walk slowly into the room. I closed the door behind me and I turn around to see more light brown curtains, I walk over and slowly pulled the curtain back and when I look up I am greeted by the biggest smile I’ve ever seen.

“Vanessa!” He said enthusiastically. And in that very second, all of my fears and my anxiety dissipated. My brother is ok. “Hey you!” I reply back to him. I dropped my stuff and walked over to him sitting in his wheelchair and warmly embraced my other half.

 

-V.

In A Blink Of An Eye

man in door

I stare blankly at the ceiling, just blinking. It feels like I am having an out of body experience. A few moments ago, the phone rang, and I got the worse news of my life. I shouldn’t have answered the phone. A few minutes ago, I was making plans with my coworkers to hit up a local sushi restaurant. I had sweet chili edamame and spicy tuna roll with a dab of wasabi on top on the brain and it was this close to being brought to fruition. Then the dreaded phone rang.

“Mrs. Daniels?”

“Yes, this is she”

“This is Dr. Lau from the county hospital, I am afraid to inform you but your child has been in a major accident, she is currently in the pre-op and we need your consent to perform surgery, she has major internal bleeding around her heart which is causing pressure and is going into cardiac arrest off and on…Mrs. Daniels? Are you there?”

I held the phone and I am not sure how I did. I was searching for air. Looking for that breath that will allow me to speak. This can’t be happening. No, this is a joke.

“Ok, you guys got me. Ha Ha. This has gone too far now.”

“Excuse me? Mrs. Daniels, this is not a joke. How long before you get to the hospital. This is an emergency. Is there someone else who can make decisions on your behalf? I am very sorry, but we will do our best to help your daughter….”

I can’t believe what I was hearing. The man on the other line continued to talk but I couldn’t make what else he was saying. At this very moment, I feel everything around me slow down, like a scene straight out of the movies. People are walking up to my desk asking me questions about the recent data, my iPhone is buzzing with texts messages about finalizing lunch plans

(Girl! You ready to leave?! I’m starving!)

…Another message from a friend who is venting on his failing relationship with his partner

(I don’t know what else to tell her? I don’t see how her not wanting to have kids is ok? That’s not what we agreed on! She knows I want children! Why is she so selfish!!! I cant! What should I do? I love her… 😦 )

I can’t breath. Now, I sit in this chair and I am not sure when I dropped the phone. But I hear the doctor yelling my name in the faint background. My only child is hanging on for dear life. Since my husband passed six months ago, I have been barely making it and she has been my rock. I can’t lose her too.

I can’t breath.

I am not sure when I started yelling. I am not sure when I slipped my chair to the floor. I don’t remember it happening. I hear muffled voices all around me. Someone is saying my name repeatedly. I hear it, but I can’t find my voice to speak.

“I’m ok.” I whisper.

Why don’t they hear me?

“She is slipping out of consciousness! Someone grab an AED! Who is calling 911?”

Why are they yelling? I said I’m ok. No one can seem to hear me. Forget it. I am tired of fighting. I’m so tired. I’ll just close my eyes and envision Marcus. He is smiling at me. Home. I’ll just go home to my husband. He always knows what to do.

 

-V.