personal growth

On This Week’s Episode of Keeping Up With V…

Work:

I can’t say this enough. Women we have to stop tearing each other down. Period. We must hold each other accountable and speak positivity into each other. How will we evolve as people? This seems to be a environment where accountability is shamed and judged. Where morality is spoken of but not proactive and integrity is..what is that again?

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I guess I’ll simply be the sell out or too “corporate” because I hold myself to a higher regard. But guess what ladies? I won’t kick you while you are down, I’ll just slide back in my spot and keep it pushing. When you finally get a hold of yourself, I’ll be here but probably on to bigger and better things. Ya know, like evolving?

she wins tamar gif

Relationships:

I can’t say this enough. I always choose peace over poison. Peace over drama. Being in relationship, I value this more and more. Witnessing another couple do the complete opposite, makes me value what I have that much more. I always knew he was great. But “our” greatness just elevated. Finding a partner that compliments who you are is a must. Being uplifted, held accountable, having someone support your goals and dreams. Priceless.

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Therefore, I pick and choose my battles with him. I value what we have so much more than simply being right. If I’m always right (which I usually am lol) how will I grow? How will “we” grow? I have no pride when it comes to us. 

Friends:

I have none here in my new area, a few acquaintances, yes.  All of my friends are back home. I hold those I call friends to a higher regard. I have a great man, yes. But to say, I have a good female friend that I can talk to and do things women do- brunch and mimosas duh!- is proving to be difficult. Making friends as an adult is hard in itself but just seeing how those around me move is truly displeasing. I will never be able to replace my best friend- I mean ever! And my friends which we call our crew the circle of greatness. How can that be topped? 

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But it would be nice to find women here of like minds who value peace, have integrity and drama free! Sounds like an ad for friendship. I digress…

Parenting:

My son is going to college in a year and I’m about to not be able to deal. I’m sure I’m not the only parent who feels like their child is still a child and isn’t ready to go out into this cruel, cruel world. The countdown to letting go is about to begin. First they drive you insane with their teenage moody antics, then they have the nerve to want to leave you. But I guess my son never leaving is scary in itself. The mere thought of him yelling “Ma! the meatloaf” from some basement may have me pushing him out the door myself. 

empty nest quote

My son is somewhat of a late bloomer. Girls have started becoming an issue. Out of all the girls he can like, why like the worse one? Is it to spite his poor ole mother? Let me tell it, I will play this card for life with him! I think if he simply let me choose his girlfriends, we both would be happy. …

kanye blank stare

… Ok maybe just me. I began to wonder, did I do this to my mom when I brought my first boy home? Yep I sure did. My mom was about to die. I now understand the sentiment…And to think, I just found out about the girl. I haven’t even met her. MomZilla I am. Pray for me guys.

This is it for this week’s edition of Keeping Up With V. ‘Till next time…

-V.

V Comes Out to Play! But Went Back Inside.

I haven’t done a week in review in over 2 months! In the past couple weeks, my eventful, uneventful life had some moments. Some moments, I have shared, and some I haven’t. So here is a bit of an update … I finally went out in the evening time to a poetry open mic event… and I went ALONE. Yep, I did it! It was very small and quaint. But overall, I just started talking to people and met some cool people, who even tried to convince me to recite a poem on open mic. I was like oooooooohh noooo. I am NOT ready for all of that. But, in hindsight, I should have. I think soon, I will break my virginity of reciting on open mic. I must relive the Nina moment in Love Jones!

nina hair flying 

Another first in this new town is I finally went on a date. And it was great! We sat and spoke for hours. Nice, right? I was so proud of myself for not bailing out on this one. Ha! But that was the only time I saw this guy. He religiously texts everyday and never skips a day. But he still doesn’t know much about me and doesn’t seem too eager either. Then the textversation gets more sexual. I laugh it off at first, because at the end of the day, that is what’s on their mind. I get it. But express your interest, RESPECTFULLY and move THE FUCK ON. Sorry for the vulgarity, but this is a pet peeve and a common theme I’ve witnessed as of late. I do not engage in it, and it eventually stops, however, when that becomes the only time you engage in this wack ass textversation, it gets really old really fast. When it isn’t him trying to see if you down to Fu- . Then he stops replying or his replies are hour or two apart until you don’t respond and the next day hits you up in the afternoon with “Hey Gorgeous” or “ Hey my boo” my reaction….no reaction. I delete the thread and say to myself, “boy bye.” I can’t with these men. We didn’t even get to date two. Sorry, not sorry. #kanyeshurg

kanye stop it alright 

I must say I love my job. Finally! My coworkers are great and I am really building some friendships with a couple of people and that feels great. What a feeling to be valued at work! I forgot what that felt like. For someone, your boss at that, ask you “What do you think?” Say word???

kelly shocked

I even got an email from a recruiter a couple of days ago about a job opportunities for a manager job in a different company and I have no interest. Why? I have a great schedule, a great manager, and wonderful coworkers. I am not leaving this for the unknown, even for more money. I think I am going to ride this out and just be patient. Things will work out for my favor. I can feel it.

With time, things will get better for me with adjusting to being all alone here, but the way things are panning, that won’t be for long. I am learning to love spending time by myself, catching up on books and just giggling all day when I am at work. If you ask me, I think I have it pretty good here. I think I’ll stay. 

carlton dance

 

-V.

Tears for Fears

Fear reared its ugly head this week and came into my life in many different shapes and forms. At first, I didn’t recognize him, but once he fully infiltrated my life and I succumbed to his desires, did I see it was him. It wasn’t easy, but at last, I sent him packing. Of course, he didn’t go easy and willingly. He begged and pleaded, got down on his knees. Even professed his love for me, but I knew he wasn’t good for me. He wasn’t a part of my plan. So I left anyway.

fear

Leaving was hard. I second-guessed my decision, thought of going back because it was comfortable. Fear was easy. But I am not. It took him longer than I anticipated. I was basking in my glory that I didn’t realize slowly he was making his way into my inner being. It was when he hit me dead in the gut and I fell to my knees did he finally look my in my eyes and kissed me on my lips. He welcomed me home. He wanted me to say good-bye to Faith and Hope and love only him. For days, I allowed him to wrap his love around me, but his selfish, narcissist ways sent me away once again. I told him a few days ago that I want more and no more one-sided love. Faith and Hope never hurt me this way.

beyonce over now

I am back. In all my glory.

Happy One Month Anniversary to Dallas and Me.

 

-V.

Mission, Vision & Road Rage

disconnect

For the first time in 7 years, I am alone. Oh! Please do not think that I am sad about this… not in the least. I am actually happy. For the first time in a truly long time I will have time for me for an extended period of time. A part of me is super duper excited at the growth and personal time that starts this evening and the other part of me is scared. I will embrace both feelings are run with it.

I moved to a new state, in a different time zone, in a new city where I don’t know anyone. I have started making new connections but I have only been here 4 days now. I come here with a mission and that is to be great, to create change and to find balance and peace. However, in the next couple of months of solitude, I am seeking to create my vision. I have spent so much time forming my son’s vision and strategizing his mission that I slowly began to lose focus on mine. These next few months will allow me to do just that. I bought a board today and will create a brand spanking new vision board. I am looking forward to this new journey.

Moving to a new foreign place is hard. I am surprised how calm I am when I should be feeling frantic and fearful. Everyone keeps asking me, “How do you feel?” I simply reply, “It hasn’t hit me yet.” Because in all honestly, I still feel like I am on a vacation. As if, I am soon to wake up and will be back in South Florida basking in the humidity. I know that is not happening, but I have yet to have to the “oh shit what the hell did I just do” moment. But I know it is coming…

non texan

 

So, in my new city, I began to compile a list of things that an outsider should know when moving to Dallas. I only have a couple of things that I learned in my four days here but I will begin to share them with you all.

  1. Everyone is super nice. No, like really, really nice. Not even fake nice but genuine. I even spoke to a police officer and I was/still am in shock on how sweet he was and even told me “Welcome to Texas!” (Major eyeballs) (That’s the New Yorker in me…suspect about everything)
  2. The roads are big… hell everything is massive in this state.
  3. People drive like bats flying right out of the depths of hell. They will run your ass off the road. Drive super carefully and floor that gas pedal!     texas drivers
  4. Get a toll tag.
  5. Everyone does not walk around with a cowboy hat and cowboy boots yelling howdy and yee-haw! Shucks, I was looking forward to that.

 

That’s all I have for now, but I am sure as my first full week approaches, I will have so much more. Especially, when I start to explore new places… oh this is going to be fun “y’all”.

 

 

-V.

Relax, Relate, Release…I tried. V’s Week Recap.

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I started the week vowing to myself to be a bit more vulnerable and transparent in my writing. I have spoken mainly about my past – not even in true detail – but in a generalized form. I wanted to dedicate a post a week or maybe biweekly, to a personal journal entry. So I will start today! This is not as easy for me as it may be for others, but here is my week in review… Comment, like, tell me what you think!

Sunday: The morning after a great evening out with one of my closest friends. We went to an art gallery to do press for another dear friend of ours and we started talking to a group of guys that went to college with us. The whole event seems to have been filled with college alumni and this was truly for a great cause. There is nothing like seeing a group of like-minded young professionals doing something positive. Anyway, I did something bold. I did something I never have done before. I approached someone I met the night before whom I felt I connected to. All the signs were there. The stares, the random touches on the arms or back, the smiles. The stolen glances he took. So, we exchanged social media information and I figured, why not be bold! I gave him my number. So, I spent a lot of my Sunday trying to see if he would reach out and he never did. I lose interest fast, so as the evening approached, I let it go. I have other pressing things on my mind. Like Dallas…

A good friend of mine stopped by this evening and gave me a beautiful journal and awesome pen. I can say my friends are amazing in this respect. They support my writing journey. Well some of them at least. This is the second gift I got pertaining to self-improvement this week. The other one was from my bestie! 2 weeks ago, my sister kicked it off with a great book! All simply just because. Then the topic of my ex came about and that’s a whole other journal entry. I just don’t have the energy.

Monday: I am staring at my phone, but not for the guy at the gallery. I am staring and checking at my phone like a mad woman. I am waiting for that job offer. I am at work, checking my email refreshing my inbox, checking spam. Nothing yet. This manager is a bit slow because he is truly busy, so I get it. I am just impatient. Besides the wait, the day was such a blur…

lisa turtle

Tuesday: Still waiting. Spoke to God today on my way to work. I always feel calmer after our talks. But I don’t know if it’s just me but whenever I pray, I feel like He ALWAYS answers my prayers No doubt about it. If I pray for something in particular with my friends, it comes about. If it’s for me, it comes about. I just have a hard time listening when the answer comes. After the workday, I came home and researched my new city that I am determined to move to by the summer. I am looking at neighborhoods, schools for my son, potential hair salons to keep up my hair, joined Meetup and designated my location. If it’s a question of putting it into existence, there is no doubt that I am! But with doing all of that, I begin to get anxiety. No offer still today. I shut down the laptop and go to bed at 9pm. I need to clear my mind.

Wednesday: It’s a good day. Got so much done at work. Boss called me her favorite. I am sure it’s because of my productivity as of late. Again still no phone from Cali with a job offer. I begin to babble a bit to coworkers and I was told that offers are usually on Fridays for our company. I begin to think of all the times I got my offers from them when it came to promotions. I think it was on Fridays. I am driving myself insane now. What if they don’t like me? What if their intentions are not to hire me? Fear kicks in overdrive. Fear is a bitch. I know deep, deep down I have this in the bag, but fear is still seeping in and rearing its ugly head. I got to get a grip. I have my personal training session tonight so that is a great way to stay occupied.

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Thursday: I got to work super early, and was nervous about checking Outlook. I must have something today! As it loads, I try to find other things to do, but I am still staring at the “updating this folder” on the bottom waiting for bold lettering to appear…. And…nothing. Shit! Ok, I have to get it together. I will continue to plan my day.

My phone lights up. I check and it’s dude from gallery. Oh yeah, him. He writes me to tell me that he has a girlfriend. (Really? Hmm? Ok) But he would love to be friends and it’s always good to have good people in your corner. I replied back, I agree and we will keep in touch. Or at least I said something of the sorts.

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Sigh. Oh well. He was cute. The girlfriend thing threw me off though. Maybe that is why he never approached me fully but was attracted to me. Either way, no love lost. I respect his honesty and I feel empowered to the 10th degree. You don’t know if you don’t ask, right? Precisely. Definitely not a lost there.
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Where is this job offer! Ok. It’s only been 5 business days. Let me get a grip. Hey, positive here…It’s Scandal Thursday and I have to cook food for a work gathering for my mom. Cooking is my therapy. Good things.

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Friday: I made a pact with God that I will not stress about the job offer. I felt that 9/10 chances I got it. I felt confident in the second interview. The manager is super busy and it did take him 2 weeks and me following up to set up the second interview. I need to relax, relate and release it and allow God to work and be in control. I made a pact with myself to stay positive and not utter one negative thing for a full 24 hours and to be renewed. I also am chilling on the planning and taking a break. I need to breathe and focus on organizing my life and writing. And this is where I am, writing and watching DareDevil with my son. Binge eating a bit and being positive. Next week will be much better and much calmer. In the meantime, it is time to make plan B, plan C and so forth into action. I am determined to get to my desired destination in a few months! No, is NOT an option.

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It’s the Weekend!!

 

-V.

Thoughts & Actions

Work hard for what you want because it won’t come to you without a fight. You have to be strong and courageous and know that you can do anything you put your mind to. If somebody puts you down or criticizes you, just keep on believing in yourself and turn it into something positive.”- Leah LaBelle

think positive

There was a time that every thought I had was negative. I always found a way to spin a negative view on what I was dealing with. I had endured so much and became accustomed to suffering. Suffering was a way of life. The only way I knew how to survive. Then one day it clicked when I hit rock bottom and the only way out was up. Since then, I started reading self help books, started trying to find all the good that happens in a single 24 hours, it became a habit. I started giving myself challenges. Don’t speak one negative thing for a full day. Even if I think it, never let the negative words come out of my mouth. Some days were hard, but positive thinking took over my life. Positivity became a habit. A habit I refuse to quit.

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So, if you are miserable at work, think is it the job? Or is it your attitude? Try changing your thoughts. Sometimes, it’s not even the job that isn’t making you happy; it’s your outlook on life. Breathing, thinking and living positive makes a world of a difference on how your day goes. This applies to every aspect of your life. Change your way of thinking and you will change your way of life. If a full day is too hard, try positive thinking an hour at a time!

Some Monday Wisdom from V!

positivity

-V.

Happily Single…For Now..

sleep sideways

Is there such a thing as being too comfortable being alone? I was talking to a co-worker today and we were both saying that we are a bit too content with being single. I mean don’t get me wrong, I would like to have a happy marriage and solid relationship, but only with the right person. I will not just give up sleeping diagonally in my bed, watching ratchet TV, my sappy girly shows and cooking at my pleasure. I don’t have to wear cute lounging clothes around the house, and no one is giving me grief about my headscarf. Life is good. Lonely at times but good. I am genuinely happy. To get me out of that space will take an amazing man. I am starting to think he may not exist but only in my mind. BUT I will continue to have FAITH.

Standards gif

I try, but maybe those I pick aren’t whom God is picking. But I will say that every pick is getting better, so the right one is near. Until then, I’ll continue to enjoy sleeping diagonally on my queen size bed, wear my comfy undies and sweats and enjoy Love and Hip Hop, Scandal, The Blacklist and Jane the Virgin.

beyonce gif

 

-V.

My Brother’s Keeper

brother keeper

January 30th, 2016

0430

I opened my eyes, reached over for my phone and pressed the home button…430am… I put my phone back on the nightstand and closed my eyes. Today is going to be a long day. I am going to see my brother in Canada. I’m a bit scared, but after a few weeks its time to face the music. I opened my eyes again and I stare at the ceiling and say aloud “I can do this.” I push the covers off and sit up slowly. I swing my legs over the bed and plant my feet firmly on the floor. He will never know how this feels again, I thought. As this thought comes to my mind, warm tears start flowing from my eyes. I quickly wipe my tears from my face with my t-shirt and repeat in my mind, I have to be strong. I stand without assistance and make my way to the washroom. It’s time to sing the song and memorize the lyrics.

1205pm

It’s official, I have arrived in this small Canadian town or shall I say village. Everything is shut down, stores are closed, scattered people walking around with their heads down or staring blankly ahead. The weather is about 35 degrees and no sun, cold and overcast. This truly looks like a scene from The Walking Dead. Shit. This is the place where my brother getting his care from. I call for a cab and I stand on the corner with my hands in my pocket waiting a whole 3.5 minutes for my cab to pull up. I get in and tell the driver of my location. He looks at me and nods. Sitting in the cab that smells of curry, old cigarette smoke and a mild stench of body odor, I look at the run down dilapidated buildings and think, its 2016, people still live like this? We are literally a few miles from the U.S. border and things are so completely different. We are truly world’s apart. After a few minutes, we pull up to the hospital and I begin to carefully count my money and pay the driver, I know I am supposed to get $6 dollars back but he just handed me 3 coins. I sat there for a few seconds bewildered and decided to get a good look at the coins before going off! After careful inspection, I see each coin is worth $2. I gathered my belongings and said to my driver, “Have a good day sir and thank you” and he nods at me with no eye contact and shortly after I get out and closed the door, he drives off.

I took a good look at the building took a deep breath and sighed. I picked up my things and walked through the sliding door. I look around and I can’t figure out where to get to the 5th floor. I asked someone that looked like an employee and asked where can I find the neurosurgery floor and she pointed to the elevators and told me the 5th floor. I thanked her and walked down the hall to the elevator bank and I pressed the top button and I waited. This is it, I thought. I am finally here. I hope he isn’t mad that it took me this long to come see him. Finally, the doors open up and I get in and drag my luggage behind me. I press 5 and when I arrive to the floor, I begin to pay attention to the room numbers. 500A, 501A…the hallways are brown and old. Walls are brown, the floor is dark tan and the doors are brown. I walk past a soiled linen basket that is beige but with the stains, its pretty much brown now. Yep, The Walking Dead, I thought. I look up. 505A/505B, 506A…I take a few more steps and I stand before 508A. I knock on the door and I hear “Come in!” I grab the handle of the brown door and turn it and push the door slowly. I have a pit feeling in my gut and I begin to walk slowly into the room. I closed the door behind me and I turn around to see more light brown curtains, I walk over and slowly pulled the curtain back and when I look up I am greeted by the biggest smile I’ve ever seen.

“Vanessa!” He said enthusiastically. And in that very second, all of my fears and my anxiety dissipated. My brother is ok. “Hey you!” I reply back to him. I dropped my stuff and walked over to him sitting in his wheelchair and warmly embraced my other half.

 

-V.

I Am….V

iam

 

I leap

Through fire through storms

Burned and near drowned

I was handed this platform

Now hand me my crown

 

I jump

Past hurt past insecurities

Painful and some depressing

Looking back they couldn’t stop me

All those lessons were simply blessings

 

I run

From heartbreak from tears

Broken hearts and disappointments

Revealed strength and eased fears

Ready now for real commitment

 

I love

With passion with dedication

Liberation and admiration

Ready to release these inhibitions

And embrace my transformation

 

-V.

A Love Poem

love-151v

 

I yearn for love

But I’m scared of love

Getting too comfortable without love

But, we were born to love

Yet we fail at love

We think we should feel love

Instead of being love

We condition love

Not knowing how to show our love

Do you even know, What is love?

Agape love

Eros love

Ludus love

Pragma love

Mania love

Storge love

I want to learn love

All that loves

I don’t know how to love

When I see love…

I run from love

I’m hiding from love

Peeking out to watch love

In awe of love

Can’t fall in love

Questioning love

I need to embrace love

(Sigh) Maybe tomorrow…

-V.
love-quotes-breaking-down-walls1