The Convo – Part 2

 

I walked in the door and dropped the keys and my purse on the kitchen counter. I kicked off my shoes and left them on the floor in the hallway. I walked towards the couch and pull out my phone. Maybe I should call Kayla. I quickly decided against it. I just don’t have the energy to speak about this dinner with anyone.

I need another drink.

I got up and poured myself a shot of Café Patron. I took a sip, griped the glass with both hands and exhaled deeply as I sat down on the couch trying to recap the dinner with Daniel.

I thought I was over Daniel. I haven’t seen or heard from him in a year. I went out on a couple of dates here and there, but I never took things too far. I agreed to have dinner with him simply out of curiosity. Now, it seems as if curiosity killed the cat. I am here confused over someone I was over months ago.

My phone buzzed.

I walked over and checked my notification.

“Hope you got home safe. Although the evening wasn’t how I thought it would play out in my mind, I am happy at the fact that I got to see you. Goodnight Evelyn.”

I started to respond, but I backspaced and left it at that. Knowing him he already saw the grey bubble appear and disappear.

Right now, I just need things to slow down and make sense to me. I honestly don’t know how I feel.

The phone buzzed again.

This time it’s Xiomara. “Girl, you good?”

“I’m good. Just exhausted. We will catch up at lunch tomorrow.” I replied.

“Night girl” she replies.

I turned off all notifications and turned the phone face down. I guzzled the rest of my Café Patron and headed to my bedroom to get some well-needed rest.

~~~

The morning at the office was a breeze. I had to give a presentation to senior management and it was flawless, so needless to say I am in a great mood, despite last night’s dinner.

I pulled up to Lime, a Mexican spot near the office, to meet with my girls to recap.

I looked and saw Xio and Kayla and waved to them as I got out of my car.

“Hey girls!” I said to both of them.

“Ohhh honey, someone is in a good mood…I wonder if that’s what we are going to talk about?” Kayla asked inquisitively.

“No, boo”, “I just had a great morning at work.” I replied.

“Ugh such a fun killer” said Xio.

I approached the cashier and placed my order. I am cheating today. I earned it.

“I am going to have Nach‘yo Mama’s Nachos with ground beef and all the trimmings! And a frozen sangria.” I told the cashier

“Well daaamn girl, forget your diet huh?” Kayla said.

“Yup!”

Kayla and Xio placed their orders; we grabbed our numbers and looked for an empty table.

“So, let forgo the chit chat and tell us what happened? I texted you and you never replied!” Kayla said.

Xio sat there sipping her frozen sangria and waved the attendant down for our food.

“Ok, so you know I was nervous as hell right? I wore my black dress with the royal blue pumps. I was going to wear red, but decided that wouldn’t be appropriate, don’t need him thinking I was trying to go all out, ya know?” I said.

“Right, the blue pumps are way more appropriate, wear the red ones in his bed instead.” Xio said with a devilish grin.

“No! I can’t with you girl!” I scolded her. We all laughed and I took a sip of my sangria and ate some food, in between bites, I continued.

“Anyway, he stood up”

“Where did you guys go eat?” Kayla interrupted.

“J. Alexander’s. Stop interrupting so I can finish, I only have an hour for lunch! Anywho, he basically wanted to apologize I guess and talk about our relationship and that we could have tried harder. He said he knows he wasn’t his best self, blah blah blah. He mentioned something about how he was going through something or issues that he didn’t want to get into, but that is precisely what I want to know about.”

“What did you say?” Xio asked.

“Well, I told him how I felt at the end of the relationship. I told him how I didn’t feel it was necessary to work things through now, because when we were in the thick of it I felt alone and as if was he no longer interested in me.” I took a slight pause after saying that.

I continued, “He wants to work on us now. I don’t know how I feel. A part of me wants to see what happens and see if he changes, but at my pace. And another part of me is scared of getting sucked in and hurt all over again. I’m scared to love him and I don’t trust him with my heart. But I must say, he looked so good. And his cologne. Lawd have mercy on my soul!”

“Jeez, get a grip Ev.” Kayla laughed.

“Well, you have every right to feel that way. I do commend him for manning up and talking to you in a mature way and not placing blame or yelling. For that he seems to have done some thinking. Danny that I know would have said, ‘F-It and next!’ He is coming for you Ev.” Kayla said.

“The way I see it is you don’t have anything to lose.” Xio said. “ Hear him out, go at your own pace and if he messes up one time…chuck up the deuces. We ain’t 25 anymore honey.”

“Girl please, we age just like fine wine!” I proclaimed.

“Well, aiming to be a vintage wine isn’t hot.” Xio said.

“Ugh, I know! I just need time to gather my thoughts some more. Why would I want to open up that part of me again just to get hurt? Hell, he is talking a good game right now. I bet I won’t hear from him now that he sees it isn’t going to be easy.”

“Did he text you last night?” Xio asked.

“Yeah”

“Then his ass is calling today. Mark my words.”

“Well I am not holding my breath.” I said.

“Girl, we will talk later! I gotta get back to work. My boss is clocking me. Ugh can’t stand his fat ass.” Xio said.

“I hear ya! We should go for brunch on Sunday.” I said.

“Let’s do it!” Kayla responded.

“It’s a date! Bye girls!”

 

-V.

Part 3 coming soon!

broken lollipop

Storms

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On this Sunday cloudy morning

I sit on a bench in the park and listen

There is no sun to illuminate 

There is warm and humid air

Damp concrete ground 

And wet soggy grass

I hear the running water of a man-made river

Reminding nature of the storms that just past

What was tragic hours ago

Results in a beautiful moment of which 

Life can grow 

I sit on this bench witnessing God at His finest

And yet tears fall down my face

Sadness and grief overcomes me

I am alone in the midst of people

Who don’t see me

I am in love with someone

Who doesn’t understand me

Battling depression on the brink of breakdowns and camouflaging it with smiles and laughter reassuring people “I am okay”

I anxiously search for a resolution

Trying to peice my soul back together 

Discreetly so those who love me, those afar, won’t worry about my fragile mind

I am in the eye of my storm 

Desperately seeking shelter

But knowing I must face these waves alone

I sit on this bench with my eyes close hoping God appears and waves his hand to instantly relieve me of my grief 

But when I open them, I’m back to where I started.

Nothing’s change

The tears are still there

The tears are still flowing, like the man-made river I sit in front of

I walk back to my car to face the day masking my tears with laughter and smiles

Battling my storms in silence.

-V.
8/13/17

From Mash Up To Gray

Summer 2017 has not been what I planned it to be. It hasn’t been all bad, but it was not the summer mash up I was hoping for. My second summer in this city, I have moved, car accident, family drama, construction in my new apartment, job is currently going through layoffs, and then some. I now exist in a space of ‘WTF’ and ‘how the hell’.  When will it get back to normal? For the sake of this entry, I affectionately will refer to my supposed ‘All Summer 17 Mash Up’ to ‘Gray Matter. With all that said, it was not all bad. I was able to take a step back from people- mainly family or family-ish type folks and re-evaluate their position(s) in my life. I guess, the closer I get to 40, that’s when the IDGAF attitude really kicks in, because my tolerance of things have been at an all time low.

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As I am typing this is, I am battling, how much I will divulge in what I have been going through, and I will give some and I will hold some. I lost 3 people whom I thought were going to be in my life forever. 2 of them are blood related. 1 is/was not. I will say that sometimes, someone can do something to you or your loved one that will never be able to come back from. And in a true Scorpio, sense, they are now dead to me. Harsh, I know. But some times, bridges are meant to burn.

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The other 2 was hard for me. Because I realized, that what they meant to me, I will never be for them, but they are to each other. I felt like the odd one out. I had to be honest with myself and let things go. I care for them. I love them. But I just can’t watch and allow them to ‘handle’ me to their benefit. I admire my father’s attempt to make the unconventional the new normal; however, that norm is not what we are, and I accept it. I made peace with it and I am moving on. Because the reality is… I will never be the sister that they are to each other.Life isn’t fair right?

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Moving on…

Ok, I am tired of writing about this, but I AINT GOT NO REAL FRIENDS IN THIS RATCHET CITY. Yeah, I said it! I have new people I am cool with that I am getting to know as friends, one I never met – coworker (different city) – hard to explain. The other two I work with in my current city and they are great, but it’s hard to establish real trusting friendships with people who already have their circle in tact. I mean who wants to bring in the new girl? I do understand, that not everyone is like me in that sense. No fault to my coworkers, but I get it. Making friends, or forming your own little circle of trust is super hard in your 30’s. Especially, after seeing how shady a lot of people are here. Plus, of course, life in general.

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But on the positive side, I do have an amazing boyfriend, who truly tries his best to integrate me with his ‘circle of trust’and I really like them, but I am the new girl. Heck, I don’t trust so easily myself; I watch how people move first. Again, I get it. It’s just tiring. In Florida and NYC, I was fortunate enough to form some great bonds with people rather quickly. This indeed is a first. But, It’s ok I will deal. – I’m lying. It is NOT okay and I want my own friends! ARRRGGGHHH!

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Ok…Moving on.

We are all entering the final quarter of the year. Just like that 2017 will be over. I am not sure how many of you out there made a list of things you wanted to accomplish and for those of who finished it. I don’t care. 🙂  and for the others who are like me with the same to do list for 2017 still full, we still have 4more months to make our deadlines. I will be slowing down on my social media usage, and pay more attention to my self appointed tasks. I can do this. I think. Most of it. At least half?

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Ok, now I am not sure how many of my followers watch Insecure, but Sunday’s night episode had me all in my feelings. I was jumping out of my bed, because I, too, have dated a Fu&$ Boy who thought he was a ‘good’ dude, in a very similar situation. Some of my friends thought I was doing the most, said I cut folks off to fast and to be patient ( yada yada yada) but who has patience for those type of dudes? Not I. No sir. And hearing Tasha read Lawrence gave me all types of life. I yelled “See! I feel you girl! Know your worth!”

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I am no longer in that space, but I can appreciate the scene. I have been there and I just love good TV.

I took up enough of you guys time! Good Night! Enjoy the rest of this Summer!

‘Till the 4th quarter!

-V.

Crush

girl frustrated

Now that I like you

that I fear you

Afraid of all that could go wrong

Yet hoping for all that I want to be right

Now that I like you

I have anxiety over you

Will you call

Will you text

Will you continue to pursue me

Or pass me up for the next.

Now that my heart sees you 

I’m nervous for you and us

Trying to stay cool 

Being mindful to not always make a fuss

About things I didn’t give two fucks about

Before I liked you

-V.

War

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This is where my heart lies

Between calms and chaos

Behind smiles masking cries

As my love for you grows

My emotions screams

My control dies

My walls struggle to come down

Scared and uncertain

What’s ahead, I’m not sure what lies

Daily I put on my face

Nightly I die

Wanting to put you on

Wanting to hold it inside

What if you fly?

Knowing where my soul resides?

My eyes well up then they dry

In desperate search of a place

So I can retreat and hide

To get it back together

Then walk out and smile

 

 

-V.

 

On This Week’s Episode of Keeping Up With V…

Work:

I can’t say this enough. Women we have to stop tearing each other down. Period. We must hold each other accountable and speak positivity into each other. How will we evolve as people? This seems to be a environment where accountability is shamed and judged. Where morality is spoken of but not proactive and integrity is..what is that again?

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I guess I’ll simply be the sell out or too “corporate” because I hold myself to a higher regard. But guess what ladies? I won’t kick you while you are down, I’ll just slide back in my spot and keep it pushing. When you finally get a hold of yourself, I’ll be here but probably on to bigger and better things. Ya know, like evolving?

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Relationships:

I can’t say this enough. I always choose peace over poison. Peace over drama. Being in relationship, I value this more and more. Witnessing another couple do the complete opposite, makes me value what I have that much more. I always knew he was great. But “our” greatness just elevated. Finding a partner that compliments who you are is a must. Being uplifted, held accountable, having someone support your goals and dreams. Priceless.

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Therefore, I pick and choose my battles with him. I value what we have so much more than simply being right. If I’m always right (which I usually am lol) how will I grow? How will “we” grow? I have no pride when it comes to us. 

Friends:

I have none here in my new area, a few acquaintances, yes.  All of my friends are back home. I hold those I call friends to a higher regard. I have a great man, yes. But to say, I have a good female friend that I can talk to and do things women do- brunch and mimosas duh!- is proving to be difficult. Making friends as an adult is hard in itself but just seeing how those around me move is truly displeasing. I will never be able to replace my best friend- I mean ever! And my friends which we call our crew the circle of greatness. How can that be topped? 

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But it would be nice to find women here of like minds who value peace, have integrity and drama free! Sounds like an ad for friendship. I digress…

Parenting:

My son is going to college in a year and I’m about to not be able to deal. I’m sure I’m not the only parent who feels like their child is still a child and isn’t ready to go out into this cruel, cruel world. The countdown to letting go is about to begin. First they drive you insane with their teenage moody antics, then they have the nerve to want to leave you. But I guess my son never leaving is scary in itself. The mere thought of him yelling “Ma! the meatloaf” from some basement may have me pushing him out the door myself. 

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My son is somewhat of a late bloomer. Girls have started becoming an issue. Out of all the girls he can like, why like the worse one? Is it to spite his poor ole mother? Let me tell it, I will play this card for life with him! I think if he simply let me choose his girlfriends, we both would be happy. …

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… Ok maybe just me. I began to wonder, did I do this to my mom when I brought my first boy home? Yep I sure did. My mom was about to die. I now understand the sentiment…And to think, I just found out about the girl. I haven’t even met her. MomZilla I am. Pray for me guys.

This is it for this week’s edition of Keeping Up With V. ‘Till next time…

-V.

Me, Myself but Why?

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I keep taking deep breaths yet I still feel short of breath

Air is not enough to satisfy my hunger

I drink bottles of water right after another yet my throat is still parched

Water is just not enough to quench my unwavering thirst

I am not comfortable being alone

Yet, I want solitude. What gives?

Isolation is not enough when peace is being sought

So,

I pray

I write

I sing

I dance

All to feel like a bottle of soda shaken up.

Ready to explode.

With any slight release of pressure

My emotions are seeping out the cracks

Just dying of some need to vent …. Nothing.

Filled up with nothing

I want to scream but don’t know why

Why do I want to scream?

Why do I want cry?

I tried. My eyes run dry

I go out alone and watch people smile.

I walk around staring

Forcing a fake smile

and say ‘hello’ when I make eye contact with another being

Looking for my inspiration in the nothing

with everything

I cook myself dinner and stand at the counter

Eating and drinking alone

In my false sense of peace

In my unwanted wanted solitude.

 

-V.

(2016)

#poetry

Sisterhood Awry

Black women in the workplace. Why must we be against each other instead of with each other? Why do we feel threatened by other successful women? Why do we make excuses for our shortcomings and blame others whom we are threatened by?

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Why do we size each other up because we feel the few men who are near look at one of us and not the other? Why do we lack professionalism and seek validation from those who do nothing but bring us down? Why Black women? Am I the only woman that sees another Black woman doing great, I instantly feel proud, as if I also made it? Am I not my sister’s keeper? What happened to sisterhood? What happened to accountability?

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I will say that my circle of friends that are women encourage each other, we sing each other’s praises. Since moving, I have been blessed beyond words. But one of the few things I have noticed here is that a lot of women are simply out for themselves, and they do not understand the concept of a true sisterhood. It’s more about what you can do for them. How they can use you. But every time that gets me down, I think… ‘look how I am blessed.’ It’s simply a reality check on the times. But at the end of the day, I will continue to shine, I will continue to encourage and uplift, I am going to continue to pray for better times. I will…

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( I know I have been gone from the blogging community for a while, but I am back! Bare with me, I will be posting old poetry and more thoughts on my journey. So much to share, so many new experiences, new love, new position at work, new and improved outlook on life, more headaches, more heart smiles. I’m out here living and I am ready to share more of me with you all)

janelle monet

 

-V.

What’s In Your Cup?

“Who is filling your cup?” Someone asked me this very question recently. I paused when I heard this, because honestly I did not know the answer to that particular question. But it made me think. And that was the intention of this person. Force me to think. To think about my patterns, what I attract, and what energy I give off. “Who is filling your cup?” was a loaded question that needed to be asked.

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Now I will say that I have been blessed tremendously in the past few months and everything I asked for I received and more! But yet, I sat and found myself feeling…. empty. You may say, but your cup should have been running over! And it was, but I did what I do best, I poured into other people’s cup. And that’s not a bad thing, but the issue that occurred in doing that, is I poured into cups that I had to supply. I had to supply the cup and then pour into it. Why was I attracting this type of person? Instead of placing the blame on them, I looked inwards. Why did they feel comfortable enough to ask me to give? Why did I feel bad for asking for the same in return from these very same people? Why do I find potential mates in men who were ‘dames’ in distress and why do I feel apt to want to help out of the goodness of my heart? The foolishness of my heart. With all that said. I had to stop. Pause. This is a pattern. It almost happened again today!

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I caught myself and I stopped and I said to myself, “My cup is not just a cup, it’s fine china. I will not use it everyday for any old guest, you have to special.” To some, this may seem cold, and I do not intend to come off standoffish, but if I don’t protect me, who will? I looked back at the last few men that I have dated and it was the same pattern. I poured into their cups and when I needed my cup filled, they never had enough to give.  I will let that be. Thats a whole other blog post! LOL

With that being said, I am so grateful to my friend who listened to me and poured knowledge onto me. I truly appreciate those who can make me think and force me to look within. She truly poured into my cup and today, my cup runneth over.

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-V.

No Love Lost

I didn’t cry for you
When I left 

I wasn’t sad

When I told you to fuck off

Not a tear fell down my cheek

No sleep was lost by your thought

I didn’t look back

When I walked away

I didn’t think twice 

When I deleted and blocked

You out of my life

It’s as if you never existed

Your deception was fiction

Of a novel so descriptive 

Of your bullshit

That got 1 star

-V