A Letter To The Boys Who Refused To Be My Man

I read this post and it bought me life! I haven’t been big on reblogging other posts, but this one spoke to me. Love the way she expressed her thoughts and I connected with it!

-V.

foreverstaryn's avatarTaryn Down Walls

Dear almost-lovers,

Thank you for gifting me withtime I would have otherwise wasted.

If currency could buy minutes, I’d take out a loan too big to ever pay off. More often than not, I look back on a relationship and realize that although lessons had been learned, I could have ended it much sooner. Of course I didn’t, because sometimes your heart forgets what your mind needs, and your nights get lonely, and you settle. So thank you; thank you for reminding me that I should never feel like an option, and when I do…you’re no longer my priority.

Thank you for doing the dirty work.

I take no pleasure in goodbyes. So, even though you didn’t give me one, thank you for not making me come up with the words to break another human’s heart. It crushes my soul to not reciprocate interest. For me, it’s always been easier…

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Making A Lemon Drop With My Lemons

back to work

It’s the last day of the best month of the year (I am a bit partial to my birthday month) and I have enjoyed a great week long vacation from work, if I count the days I haven’t been in the office it would be 10 glorious days. However, tomorrow December 1st, I am due back in. I am dreading the thought of walking back into the office. In the past 10 days, I have spent good times with my loved ones, due to the holiday and friends visiting from out of town. I learned to make a new dessert, White Chocolate Crème Brulee (which was to die for) even bought a cooking blow torch and got real fancy! I should have taken a picture of it! In my time off, I also got to brainstorm on my writing and devote my time to I am V and possibly other ventures. I even did a little henna. I got to truly focus on me. What a concept!

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Tomorrow bright and early, I will be going back to high school- opps I mean work and deal with the mean girls or cliques of my department. Don’t get me wrong I have so much to learn in my job and I honestly like what I do, I just don’t care for the meaningless politics and immature behavior of miserable people. It is also hard to want to do a great job when I am now disengaged at work. Repeated offenses of being labeled, provoked to act a certain way, then receive backlash when I don’t fall for the triggers, lack of direction to perform at my best, but consistently told how I am doing it wrong with more no direction. In occasions where I shine, I am being pushed aside. When I take on initiatives and begin to receive praise, my immediate supervisor finds ways to take it away from me and pass it on to his favs. Now, I have become that employee they tell you not to become in orientation. The disengaged one. I refuse to participate in “fun” activities. No Secret Santa for me (ain’t nothing secret about it), no pot-luck for me, nope I don’t want to do lunch. I stay in my lane and mind my business. But guess what? That is wrong too. I am still labeled as the bitter black woman. Now what? I don’t respond to the negativity and keep to myself, I am bitter. If I respond to it and become more assertive (Note I say assertive, NOT aggressive), I am bitter. If I brown nose and be fake, ignore when they talk about me and participate in bad mouthing others, then viola! I am a shoe in. What’s a girl to do? I always preach about remaining authentic. I can’t conform now. How can I become engaged as an employee and put my best foot forward and stay away from the negative behaviors? The million-dollar question. (I am open to advice!)

So, I use my writing as an outlet. I am more fueled by all of this to do better for myself and follow my dreams. I want to write. I want to be creative and leave that toxic atmosphere and step outside and breathe fresh air. No more labels. I want to simply be V. So everyday, when I go into the office, I remind myself (also have to continue reminding myself) that there is a bigger picture. I have a goal. I try to turn this negative into a positive. I am employed. I actually like what I do. I can learn from this and use my good and bad experiences from it to write. Good days, write. Bad days, write some more.

Last night, I was watching the Soul Train Music Awards, which I enjoyed! I got to hear some of the old songs that I loved when I was growing up. I listened to the acceptance speeches of the ones who received awards and I was inspired yet again. Jill Scott, Tyrese, Babyface. I am sure they all encountered difficulties and were pressured at some point to conform to society norms. Yet they all did not. All remained authentic to themselves, their beliefs and truths. At some point, someone told them they weren’t good. Someone tried to dull his or her shine. How do the greats become great? What are the daily practices of the successful? I thought of these things and realized I can’t give up now. I have to continue the fight and be true to my dreams. I guess tomorrow, I am going to wake up a little early and walk into that office with my head held high and morals in the space and thrive. Hey, I may even put on some red lipstick.

red lips

 

-V.

Fairytale Gone Wrong

***Yet another poem in my archives…hope you guys enjoy! *** -V.

Fairytale 

Rapunzel

Where is my happily ever after

My knight and shining armor?

Did chivalry get lost in the woods

Or did my fairytale dream falter

Who is going to slay the dragon to save me

The fairest of them all

My prince is busy bullshitting with the breeze

And the ogres are risking their lives just for the fall

Far from the graces of which I held my head mighty high

In the tower that seemed too risky to climb

The prince is just too afraid to try

How can I get my happily ever after

When he is in fear of dying?

What happened to the bravery?

…Stories he sold at the round table

Kings would be ashamed for this is how they got their Queens

Or so goes the fable

Pride and fear is the name of the prince’s game

Along with arrogance and pure greed

The days of chivalry are long gone

I’m just sitting in the tower waiting to be free

As I watch my prince chase the whore

It doesn’t look as if my prince is coming to get me.

(It dawned of the princess her prince is royalty no more.

Where is the happily ever after in the end of the book

As I turn page by page I realize this prince just plain old shook)

love-prince-quotes-words-Favim.com-2289134

 

3AM Madness

3am

2:58am

…and I’m thinking of you

Thinking of the possibilities, maybe

I really want to do things right

Afraid of doing something wrong

Reading these books so I don’t fuck it up this time

Finding out that the “rules” are making me insane

3:09am

Obsessing if I am pushing you away rather than drawing you near

I’m obsessing over wanting things to work because I think I like you

Yet not really giving myself a full chance to allow myself to even know if it’s you I want!

3:21am

Overanalyzing is truly bad for the soul

Realizing maybe these books aren’t really helping,

Like to text or not to text?

To act uninterested or shy?

“Don’t call him, let him call you?”

“Play hard to get! Then you get him” kind of books.

Bullshit.

3:45am

I’m seeing that at the right time, and the right man. No matter the circumstance

It will work out… Well unless you start whoring yourself or make it to easy. Wait!

3:00am madness. 

Can’t even finish a positive damn thought without feeding into the poison.

Maybe I should just sleep.

3:59am.

-V.

 

#writing101

Happy Birthday V!

Go! Go! Go! Go V, It’s Ya Birthday!

My son’s card this year!  
A couple of days ago I turned 36 and I must say that it was an amazing day. Honestly, at first I was not in the birthday spirit. My friends and family would ask me if I was making plans for this birthday and my answer was “nah, not in the mood” or “It’s only 36, nothing major, I’ll go hard for 40.” Despite, my lack of wanting to celebrate, it didn’t turn out that way. One of my best friends made plans for us to go to a popular lounge in the area and I obliged. I ended up have a good time. Had my favorite Lychee Martini, about 5 of them! Saw a band perform whom the members I knew since high school and they gave me a birthday shout out which was pretty cool and then I got into the spirit. I ended up celebrating Saturday night, then again on my actual birthday on Sunday all day! My loved ones made me dinner and baked a cake for me and my mother made me dinner and invited people over. I honestly felt the love.

Over the past 36 years, I learned so many life lessons and I feel that I can help others with some of the pain that I have experienced which in turn gave me so much wisdom. I have many more lessons to learn and open to learning for I am a fallible human being in search of the answers to this mystery we call life. Here are the first 20 lessons…

  1. You are going to fail at something. No one is great at everything. Let that go. Use that failure for growth. When live gives you lemons, forget lemonade. Make a lemon drop. Enjoy it and sip it slow.
  2. People disappoint. Never put your all into another fallible human being. Putting people up on a pedestal is a set up for a let down. Be realistic in your expectations in others.
  3. Marriage takes work. I got married early and divorced early. What I learned in my short 2-year stint, I take with me forever. Hence why I have yet to remarry. I know it takes the right person who is also committed to making it work for it to work. Today’s society has way too much comfort in always knowing there is a plan B.
  4. Being a single parent sucks. People need to stop glorifying it. Two-parent household is better than one. But if you are in a toxic situation, save yourself and save your child. But be prepared to deal with all that comes with it. Good and bad.
  5. If you are in a single parent situation. DO NOT talk negatively about the other parent to your child.
  6. More about parenting. It is NOT about you. It is about the child. Selfish behaviors do not work.
  7. Never stop dreaming and accomplishing your goals. Shit gets hard. But that doesn’t mean you give up. Keep on pushing. Go to school, record that demo, start that business, write that book, paint that mural, whatever the dream, don’t stop dreaming it.
  8. Your parents aren’t that crazy. They drive your crazy, but there is a lot of wisdom to be learned from parents and grandparents.
  9. Make time for your self. Stop giving your everything to everyone and every thing. Make time for yourself. Self reflect often.
  10. Pray daily. Speak positives into your life. Negative thinking, negative speaking will get you negative results. I do believe that we manifest our destiny. I do believe that if we believe that something good is going to happen, it will. In the right time, it will. Have Faith and pray.
  11. When people do you wrong, it is a reflection on them, not you. Let that shit go and learn from what you did and move the fuck on. Dwelling on it will make it worse and will have you questioning who you are. Refer to 10.
  12. When you go on a date, people put your damn phones away. It’s rude and your date won’t like it. (See others do it and it irks me) I digress…
  13. About the Exes…leave them in the past. There was a reason why it didn’t work out, right? I know there are exceptions to this but 90% of the time… let that shit go.
  14. When someone shows you who they are believe them. Maya knew what she was talking about. I always used to think I could change what someone meant or going through and justify their actions. You can’t.
  15. Emotional unavailable people. I learned this again recently. Run for the hills. Don’t invest in someone who tells you they are ready when ALL of their actions show that they aren’t. Save yourself and emotions and stay single.
  16. Hurt people hurt people. Even if they do not know they are hurt.
  17. Racism is still every so present. I am dealing with it daily at work and that sucks. How you react to it is how you survive it. Be smart
  18. My biggest lesson here: PAUSE. Do not be so quick to react to everything. PAUSE. Before doing anything and saying anything. Still a work in progress.
  19. Everything you do, do it with integrity. Your work speaks volumes about they type of person you are.
  20. Be humble. Be conscious of what others are going through. Be kind. I learned this the hard way. I used to be unforgiving and I also used to be very black and white. Sometimes life draws you to the gray. The gray isn’t so bad, it’s a time to grow and realize that things are always what you expect them to be. When you think you have it bad, someone has it worse.
  21. Bonus: What my grandmother always told me… you are not the first person to go through what you are going through and you will not be the last. So suck it up and do what needs to be done. It’s never impossible. Hard, maybe, but not impossible.

 

These are my lessons, what are some of yours? I am so grateful for everything that I have went through because it made me who I am. I don’t apologize for loving those I did, or trusting those I have. That’s my super womanpower. I love. I nurture, I encourage. And whomever, I did that for, I have no regrets. I hope it helped. I will do it again any day!

ONE LOVE to ALL!

 

-V.

Man Down

In less than 100 words.. Here is a different perspective… #writing101

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***

I watch you from afar

You’re spiraling out of control

I no longer recognize who you are

I no longer see the person I used to know

You are drowning in your despair

And refuse to see the light

Not allowing those close to care

Simply giving up the fight

 

He wakes up this morning and stares at the ceiling.  Wondering when things got so bad. He used to think he was on top of the world. Now he sits with the weight of the world on his shoulders. So he pulls out a lighter and begins to numb the pain…

 

-V.

Revenge Mocha

This is a great continuation of my story Hello, It’s Me… I love what she did to it! Read and comment!

Piyusha Vir's avatarPiyusha Vir

This post is inspired by  V . She is a single parent, juggling many roles and succeeding at each one.  Read the original post here . The below is an extension of the previous story but can also be read in isolation. Both are fictional narrations in first person account.

I reached my favourite coffee shop Starbucks, at a little after 3 in the afternoon. V had probably already been waiting for me for more than a few minutes, I thought as I walked hurriedly. We had already been talking everyday for a week – since her break-up. I had seen it coming. I had been able to see through his lies, his avoidance tactics and also his lack of concern for her, lately.
V deserved better, but I wasn’t about to tell her that now. She was hurt and she needed a friend. She needed me.
Just as I entered…

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Hello, It’s Me.

Today’s writing assignment for writing101 is to create a scene with coffee. So here is a little something I came up with. This is not a real story! I wanted to create a scene and see if it comes to life so to speak. Do you see yourself there? Do you feel what she is feeling? What would you have done differently? 

******

I sit in a corner at Starbucks next to a window with my hoodie on.

It’s always so cold in here. I make sure I sit next to an outlet so I can power up my laptop and recharge my cell. I glanced at my phone and no new messages and no missed calls. No Facebook messages. Nothing. I say to myself “this has to stop!” And flip my phone over so I can’t see the screen. I enter my password to my MacBook and open up Word and proceed to write…

“I wonder if he thinks of me…

I wonder if he still knows I’m here…

I wonder if I show him some more support,

He will realize that I truly do care”

Ugh poem gone wrong. Not how I intended this to go. I press backspace until all the words are gone and go sit in this cold Starbucks and stare at a blinking cursor. What gives?

**Sigh***

I give up and turn my phone over…still no missed calls, wait a message! Oh from my mother… No emails. I gotta give this shit up. I’m not gonna hear from him again. It’s evident. It’s been 6 days and a few hours.

I decided to get up and order a tall Flat White with 2 pumps on Vanilla, while I wait, I put my hands in my pocket of my hoodie and look around to see who is here and that’s when I see him. Mr. Disappearing Act. On a date, with a girl. I think it’s a date. Sure looks like one. They are laughing and smiling. Didn’t he see me in the corner? I am a mixture of angry and sad. I grab my drink when they yelled my name and I glance quickly to see if he heard it and he didn’t. He is so engulfed by his date, its like I don’t even exist. I go back to my corner and I stare at them. How affectionate they are. How happy he seems. They both get up and leave and he gives her a warm embrace. I grabbed my phone and text him “Hey, how are you, I haven’t heard from you in a while” He responds “Really busy at work, call you later”

I bet.

-V.

Show Me You, and I’ll Show You, V.

Women are not always the difficult one. Men can be difficult too. I had a conversation with my sis and we were discussing how men could be so difficult. Not all of them, but there are some that truly make you want to take a sedative and sleep for days and just ignore them and their antics. I may be one of the last few in today’s world that remains old fashioned, more or less, in the world of dating. I am a firm believer of phone calls over text when first getting to know someone, flowers, etc. Now, don’t get me wrong, I can text with the best of them (as my friends will tell you), but when I don’t know you, how am I going to accurately read your texts? I will be committed to continuous misunderstandings. Plus, I have no interest in having text conversations from someone who was “interested” in me as such:

Guy: Hey

Me: Hello, how are you?

Guy: Good. How are you?

Me: I’m doing well, can’t complain.

Guy: cool.

Me: So, anything interesting happened today that made you smile?

Guy: same ole, same ole.

Me: oh alright.

*** 3 hours later, I got a text from guy saying “WYD”- (Dude not talking to you)****

The conversation has ended. Now, I am thinking to myself, why the (insert choice word here) did you text me, in the first place? This to me makes no sense at all. I feel that I am being open and receptive. The guy obviously has nothing to say. I would engage in a text conversation if he continued with something and we can create some sort of dialogue, but even then a phone call is more acceptable. A man that is interested truly in you will want to call you, hear your voice, learn your tone, hear you laugh and then proceed to ask to see you. Now, I have met men that HATE the phone with a passion, and I get it. They will text me more but have something to say and will call me when we haven’t texted all day. That’s fine. The kind of man who is truly interested in you will actually want to see you and make dates to spend time with you in person.

When men consistently ask me “Why are you single?” “You are beautiful, smart and witty, I don’t get it, you crazy?” I laugh. No, I am not crazy. I am single because no one has been bold enough to step correctly and approach me as a man should and court me…and be available in all aspects. Yes I know that is an old term, but I don’t like “holla.”

Don’t even get me started on online dating. I think it is a great avenue to meet people and it works for many. But the issue I have with it is that it gives way too many options for men to just not do right and think they are the crème of the crop. Too many messages in their inbox will have them feeling some kind of way, so if you don’t conform to their antics, then next! And men AND women give false representations of themselves way too many times. People, be real. And online, I notice more fake than real. Hence, why my page stays hidden until the term runs out.

This is where I am today. Uninterested and solely focused on myself. My writing and my career. If a good man comes a long and can turn my head, I’m open. Until then catch me here…pouring out my soul.

-V.

That Day

Two posts one day! Two poems to be exact. This poem was written in 2012 and I stumbled upon it recently and fell in love with it all over again. Maybe, its just me. You know I’m an artist and I’m sensitive about my shit… 🙂

That Day
Our eyes locked
At that moment, I saw you
I saw your past hurt
I saw your caution
I saw your heart
That saw mine
We locked gazes
And at the moment nothing else mattered
Not the responsibilities that await our return
Not the commitments that were previously made
Just you and I in that moment
Along with the sun and it’s rays
The trees with their leaves
The stores with their patrons
The birds with their song
That they sang beautifully for us
On that day
The day I saw you

-V.