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Show Me You, and I’ll Show You, V.

Women are not always the difficult one. Men can be difficult too. I had a conversation with my sis and we were discussing how men could be so difficult. Not all of them, but there are some that truly make you want to take a sedative and sleep for days and just ignore them and their antics. I may be one of the last few in today’s world that remains old fashioned, more or less, in the world of dating. I am a firm believer of phone calls over text when first getting to know someone, flowers, etc. Now, don’t get me wrong, I can text with the best of them (as my friends will tell you), but when I don’t know you, how am I going to accurately read your texts? I will be committed to continuous misunderstandings. Plus, I have no interest in having text conversations from someone who was “interested” in me as such:

Guy: Hey

Me: Hello, how are you?

Guy: Good. How are you?

Me: I’m doing well, can’t complain.

Guy: cool.

Me: So, anything interesting happened today that made you smile?

Guy: same ole, same ole.

Me: oh alright.

*** 3 hours later, I got a text from guy saying “WYD”- (Dude not talking to you)****

The conversation has ended. Now, I am thinking to myself, why the (insert choice word here) did you text me, in the first place? This to me makes no sense at all. I feel that I am being open and receptive. The guy obviously has nothing to say. I would engage in a text conversation if he continued with something and we can create some sort of dialogue, but even then a phone call is more acceptable. A man that is interested truly in you will want to call you, hear your voice, learn your tone, hear you laugh and then proceed to ask to see you. Now, I have met men that HATE the phone with a passion, and I get it. They will text me more but have something to say and will call me when we haven’t texted all day. That’s fine. The kind of man who is truly interested in you will actually want to see you and make dates to spend time with you in person.

When men consistently ask me “Why are you single?” “You are beautiful, smart and witty, I don’t get it, you crazy?” I laugh. No, I am not crazy. I am single because no one has been bold enough to step correctly and approach me as a man should and court me…and be available in all aspects. Yes I know that is an old term, but I don’t like “holla.”

Don’t even get me started on online dating. I think it is a great avenue to meet people and it works for many. But the issue I have with it is that it gives way too many options for men to just not do right and think they are the crème of the crop. Too many messages in their inbox will have them feeling some kind of way, so if you don’t conform to their antics, then next! And men AND women give false representations of themselves way too many times. People, be real. And online, I notice more fake than real. Hence, why my page stays hidden until the term runs out.

This is where I am today. Uninterested and solely focused on myself. My writing and my career. If a good man comes a long and can turn my head, I’m open. Until then catch me here…pouring out my soul.

-V.

That Day

Two posts one day! Two poems to be exact. This poem was written in 2012 and I stumbled upon it recently and fell in love with it all over again. Maybe, its just me. You know I’m an artist and I’m sensitive about my shit… 🙂

That Day
Our eyes locked
At that moment, I saw you
I saw your past hurt
I saw your caution
I saw your heart
That saw mine
We locked gazes
And at the moment nothing else mattered
Not the responsibilities that await our return
Not the commitments that were previously made
Just you and I in that moment
Along with the sun and it’s rays
The trees with their leaves
The stores with their patrons
The birds with their song
That they sang beautifully for us
On that day
The day I saw you

-V.

Dear God

Dear God,

At the end of my day I tell you all that lies in my heart.

It is with you I feel most open with.

It is you who puts me at ease.

People, Lord, as you created them, they come and go

And we search our whole lives in hopes of finding that one who stays.

The one you have destined for us.

Until then, and there after, I converse with you.

I tell you all my fears and share all my hopes.

I cry to you when I have nothing else to pacify me

And smile and laugh to you when I am overjoyed.

I thank you daily for opening my eyes each day

And keep on the path you have made for me.

I just love giving you feedback of my journey

Until its time to tell you face to face.

Love, V.

Stars Shouldn’t Die in Vain

In today’s writing101 prompt, we must create inspiration from social media, more specifically, Twitter. When I read the quote “In our universe a star explodes and dies every single second and there’s you, worrying about work tomorrow”, I paused, and I had a moment, a moment of reflection. Currently, I am under some stress with my job and my personal life. I have been spending too much time worrying about all the issues surrounding my job and at times allow it to get the best of me. What I am grateful for are my friends and family who keep me grounded and do not allow me to flip cubicles at work (joke).

https://twitter.com/BluMarTen/status/605128443475456001

We spend so much time worrying about everything else we forget all the greatness that is surrounding us. Events are transpiring around us daily, hourly and in this case, every second. A star explodes. Stars are great things; they are inspirational, hence why we call famous people, stars. Something great and inspirational dies every second, and I’m here worrying about nonsense at work. Perspective…A moment happened yet again. What is the dream for your life? What is your purpose? Do you know? Are you working at your dream job? If not, what are you doing to get there? These stars need not die in vain, so why live in vain?

Here are my answers. The dream job for me is to become a writer. A writer in all sorts, an author, a songwriter, a poet. This ties into my purpose, to inspire through my writings. I am NOT working my dream job, hence my constant frustration. However, I am working daily, even hourly to accomplish my dream.

What I have learned is that we have to do things we don’t want to do to obtain the results we want. I have to make ends meet and polish up my leadership skills, so I work. In order to be a leader, one must be a good follower and I’m following, until I am called to lead on a grander scale. And last but not least, remain positive and control your thoughts. Your thoughts will eventually become your reality! I am a big fan of The Secret, and I have learned that positive thinking will change your life. Speak big things of yourself and watch it manifest!

Blessings upon all

-V.

Up at Night…

The last few nights, I have had trouble sleeping. One reason is that I am in physical pain! I have been working out again and trying to get back in to shape, but that is good pain. But another reason that I haven’t been sleeping well lately is because my prayers are keeping me up at night. Every night, for the past week, I have been praying for all those who are near and dear to my heart. My list is not usually this long, but I have been compelled to keep certain people close in thoughts.

Some of these people that I am praying for I barely speak to due to a conflict or whatever reason may be, but every time I think to not be bothered with them and their issues, I hear a quiet whisper telling me to pray for them. They need not know that I do or why, they just need to have someone’s silent support. So, I lay awake at night and say a prayer unbeknownst to them and afterwards begin to recap all of their troubles. In my mind and heart, I wonder if I feel I can fix all of their woes…I wish I could.

I light a candle, Eucalyptus Mint from Bath and Body Works to be exact. I sit on the edge of my bed and I close my eyes, and then I begin. I pray for my son. I pray you heal his pain from his absent father and lack of a constant male figure in his life. I pray that he doesn’t allow his shortcoming to deter his growth as a man. I pray for my mother and father that although they are not together, they find true happiness with the one that you destined for them. I pray for my best friend, she is far, and going through so much, but I want you to continue to allow me to be a vessel for her and speak life into her whenever you see fit. I pray that she comes back soon (ok maybe a wish). I pray for my siblings and their conquest to find meaning in life. I hope they find and seek you and realize the answers are already there. I pray for my friend who is having marital trouble. I want them to realize that you make no mistakes and the vow they took before you is scared and they continue to work on each other and their union and not give up and again most importantly seek you and place you in their marriage as opposed to their egos. I pray for the last man I recently dated. He hurt me yes, however, his pain is far greater than mine. I pray for his peace. I pray for his healing in his personal difficult time, even though we don’t speak much, I pray for his happiness. I pray for my old boss, I pray for her heart to soften and for whatever reasons she is so wicked she heals from it and finds compassion and happiness. I pray for my future husband. I pray he is well and near by… (the list continues…)

I continue my prayers for almost everyone I come close to at some point or another in life. I have been doing this nightly. And the hardest part is that I almost always forget to pray for myself. This could be the very reason why I am never truly rested lately. Tonight, I am doing things a bit differently, I am going to start with me and end with me. The hard part is that I feel as if I am being selfish when I think like this, but I think it’s needed, for a change.

-V.

Not Your Dream Girl

Happy Saturday!

I wanted to share a poem I wrote a couple of years ago when I got frustrated with being let down in whatever relationship I was in. Now that I am back in the world of dating, or lack thereof, I found this and decided to post.

How many times have we heard that good girls finish last, or good guys finish last? It gets old when you are always finishing last. But I say, stay authentic. Stay true to your values and morals and in the right moment, the person will come along. 🙂 Who God has for me will be for me! #faith

Not Your Dream Girl

“You are every man’s dream girl”
Biggest crock of shit if I heard it
Then why are you going to see “her”
If everything you want, I supposedly have it?
“You are so amazing”
Another line that makes me roll my eyes
If thats what it is, then why would you risk me being with another guy?
“I love being around you and your personality is the best”
Oh yea? Then why are you letting me slide past you and risk being passed up for the next?
I’m tired of hearing I’m beautiful and how funny you find me to be
I’m tired of being the best choice for some ideal
And quite frankly
I’m just tired of you not choosing me.

***

My friend told me when I read this to her years ago, that it sounded like lyrics to a song! Maybe I should look into song writing too…the possibilities. 🙂

-V.

Define Yourself

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself. – Harvey Fierstein

 

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. – Maya Angelou

Harvey Fierstein’s quote got me through a lot of rough times. I actually found this quote during my darkest days. Young, single mother, divorced. I had labels already. A family member even told me when they found out I was pregnant “Damn, your life is pretty much over.” When I got divorced and another person who was close to me said “Now that you are divorced with a kid, no man will ever want you.” Gee guys thanks. But what I did not let it do, was define me. It got me down initially and I became depressed and shameful, but I got up, dusted my shoulders off. Stuck up my middle finger to all of them and said “Oh yeah? Watch me win.” And that’s exactly what I did and still continue to do. Win. Despite of. I wrote this Harvey Fierstein quote on everything. I read it everyday and then I tackled on the world.

We live in a world where people live to define everyone else but themselves. They want to label you and place you in a box. We must not allow other people’s definition of who they think we are to define us. You are not gay, you are not black, you are not white, you are not Hispanic or what Trump calls Mexican rapists, you are not a thug, or white trash. Guess what we all are. Human. All these labels are never used in a good context. Do not let these labels define your self worth. Define Your Self!

Now on to Maya’s quote “When someone shows you who they are believe them.” This is not the same as labels or allowing someone else to define you. This is the person defining themselves and making it known. If that man you are dating says to you “I am no good for you, I don’t have it all together.” Guess what, believe him. If that woman says to you “Once your money runs out, so does my loyalty.” Yep, you guessed it, believe her. We tend to change our image of a person based on what we want from them or need to feel in ourselves. Know who you are then define yourself and watch other people’s actions to see if they fall in with your true definition of what you are about. Simple, yet such a hard lesson to learn.

-V.

Finding Peace in a Pause

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Today’s assignment in my writing101 class is to find inspiration from a picture. I chose the picture of a crowded train station. I see this and it reminds me of home. New York City. The city that never sleeps. I loved Penn Station and watching the people rush by and at times I was also rushing to catch my train. Other times, I would take my time and just people watch. You see so many things at a busy train station. People annoyed and cursing at other, people strolling as if they were on vacation, others kissing and saying goodbye and some excited to see loved ones they have been waiting for.

But I when really stop and look, I see a world where people fail to stop and see the bigger picture. We get so caught up in our daily living that we fail to see what truly matters. Love. Family. We rush to meet that deadline for work, we rush to make it class on time, to get dinner fixed, society is always in a rush. This scene reminds me that we need to pause. Take a step back and enjoy the beauty of where we actually are.

On days, when I was off from work and my son was in school, I drove to the train station and parked and took the F train from Queens to Manhattan. I enjoyed the ride. Watching people get on and off the train. I would get off and head to the park in the concrete jungle and sit on a bench with a book and my Café Mocha from Starbucks and escape the reality of my two jobs, and how I was going to make all my bills that month, how to deal with the relationship I was in with this man I was not in love with. I sat there on that bench for a couple of hours and forgot about all my problems. I did my best thinking on that bench. I was at peace in the midst of all those people. No one really saw me. I was invisible and I loved it.

I am writing this and I feel like I am there. I can still smell the city. I can still taste the Café Mocha, feel the pages of that Eric Jerome Dickey book I was reading. I miss that feeling. I miss home. I miss finding my peace in the moment of pause.

-V.

…But I Made A Choice.

I am currently taking a writing101 class and required are daily writing assignments. The current assignment is creating an entry using one of these words: Hope, Regret, Home, Choice, Abundance and Secret. I slept on the writing assignment and thought on how I would birth my inspiration. How personal will I get? Will I keep it light and fluffy? Then I thought, no. It has to be personal. That is the basis of what I am V is about, to be transparent. So my chosen word for my one word inspiration piece is CHOICE.

Why CHOICE? Because I am choosing to be open.

Life hasn’t been the easiest for me. I come from a broken home, but with amazing parents. However, I have always felt lost growing up. What do I want? Where am I going? Who am I? One thing that allowed me to escape was reading and writing. Going as far back as middle school, my friends and I used to pass around a notebook where we all would write a chapter in a book we were creating. That was the highlight of middle school for me. The book. But like everything, that fell off. Disconnected with friends, moved to a different school, now on to different adventures. It was in high school that I discovered my love for poetry. When I was sad and hurt, the best way I could express myself was through writing poems. I felt free doing so. I even recall wanting to become an English teacher. I was the odd one in my class who loved Shakespeare and writing research papers. The good old days. How I ended up in healthcare shows that I completed deviated from my true passion. While I love taking care of people and making a difference in other people lives in terms of their health, my passion wasn’t there. But I made a choice.

I got pregnant at 20, while a junior at Florida A&M U. I was devastated and confused. But I made a choice. I had a child. I figured at that point, life would make more sense and I would have a purpose. Honestly, like most moms out there. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing, I had no clue on how to do it or where I should begin. But I did it. I winged it. I have a great son who is now in high school, trying to figure it out also. But knowing he doesn’t have a relationship with his father because my ex husband also had a choice, hurts. I hate seeing my son hurt over a choice I made. At times I still do blame myself for his pain because of his father. He chose not to be a good father. He chooses himself over anything. And, that is NOT my fault. We all have choices.

So, I chose to be the best person I can be for my son, realizing it was going to be him and me. I went to school and became an RT. I worked 2 jobs a majority of my 20’s. I went back to school to get my bachelor degree, then my masters. Just to be an example to my son of what hard work and dedication is. I want him to one up me. I want him to succeed. I pretty much engulfed my life to be mother. Now, he is off to college in two years and things are slowing down. I thought to myself, what am I doing? Where am I going? What do I want? Sounds familiar right? I have been down this road before, but now I am not going to go on with the regular planned programming. I am now choosing to do something different. I am choosing to follow my passion and choosing to perfect my love. I choose to write. I choose to follow my first love.

I am not the best writer. I have a lot of work to do. But that is ok. It is my choice. I am excited about it. And my hope is to inspire others who have had a less than easy life as well, to follow your passion and keep on trucking. If I do nothing else, I want to help someone do just that.

-V.

Things I know for sure

In my 30 something years on this earth, one thing I definitely have are lessons learned and I know what I like and I have learned what I do not like. The best thing about life is that that list will always change and evolve as we grow as individuals. I will try to integrate the things I like from the things I learned and the things I wish for from these lessons. So here we go!

  1. I love to communicate. In some form or another. I feel that expressing oneself is essential in allowing others to understand and get a glimpse of your authentic self. What I’ve learned is that when I am not allowed the freedom to communicate my wants and needs without the feeling of being judged or bothersome to others, I cannot thrive as a woman. What I wish is that I use my judgment effectively in the future to chose the right people be around that will embrace me and all of my idiosyncrasies.
  2. I love love love music. I love melodies, I love lyrics. Again, another form of expression, huh? Ok. What I’ve learned is that music heals. Music soothes. Music can get you out of a bad mood and bring peace in ones life. What I wish is that these artists get their shit together and make better good music. I’m still in the 90’s…

(Not as easy as I thought…talk about frozen brain … )

Other things that I like on a less serious note are:

  1. Scandal! Anything Shonda Rhimes.
  2. My cell phone..kinda addicted
  3. Poetry readings
  4. What I do for a living…the healthcare business!
  5. Alone time!

What I’ve learned as major life lessons:

  1. Stay true to yourself no matter what the circumstance
  2. Family over everything… so instead of “bae” would that be “foe”? Ok I digress.
  3. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
  4. Pause! My biggest lesson is to learn to pause when I want to react. It’s still a work in progress but I am much better at this that before.
  5. You and your children are different people. Hard lesson for me. My son came from me, but man is he a different person than I am. What came easy for me doesn’t come easy for him therefore I need to be more understanding.

What I wish for:

  1. Lots and lots of money. Financial freedom
  2. A good faithful and loving man and best friend
  3. My son’s success in life
  4. My writing and blogging success to take off! (more so what I am working hard for)
  5. Did I say more money?

Of all these things, my relationship with God and my spiritual journey, my family and friends are what I truly love, have taught me many of lessons and more of each is what I wish more.

-V.