0 to 100

I am scared to fall in love

‘Like’ freaks me out

The thought of getting hurt again

Is what has kept me in this love drought

I am scared to fall in love

I am starting to like you a bit too much

The anxiety of if you may feel the same

Has got me feeling all types fucked up

I am a ticking time bomb

That is on the road to regression

I was fine in the space I was in

Now, not knowing how you feel

And not being able to ask you to express them

What changed between yesterday and today, is me

I went from “we will see” to

Crying in my bed trying to relax with warm tea

It’s all because I realized I liked you

And I need you to like me…

Sounds so cliché, so elementary

This so all me

This is something I hope you never see

I need to get myself together

This can’t be healthy for my soul

The tears I am crying for fears I am feeling

Shouldn’t be taking control

Why am I scared to love

When it’s all that I’ve asked for

Is it that my soul knows you aren’t right

Or is it the fear of receiving love that is my issue at core

My cancer is love

For many it’s a blessing

For me it’s a false illusion of security that always has me stressing

Over reciprocity?

I need to see a professional

 

-V.

7/25/2016

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Don’t Want Me

I had a thought, something profound I was trying to say

But in all I realized something …

You don’t want me

I know my worth… yet even though, it’s so easy to succumb to what you say…

You don’t want me

I was fooled by your consistency of…texts

That you wanted me?

But I spoke of the need of phone calls to truly get to know you
I got it once…

You don’t want me

I’ve been here for 5 weeks. I’ve seen you once…

You don’t want me

It takes you hours to text me back or it falls short when it is not sexually related

You don’t want me

But you reply fast and for hours when it’s related to you expressing your want of sex…

You don’t want me

I ask you of your intentions and you speak so general

“Girl, I’m chill, easy going. Want to get to know you inside and out. I’m passionate and touchy feely.”

Please.

You don’t want me

I ask you… “What’s my last name? What do I do for a living?”

“Girl, I just call you Gonzalez.”

I’m not Hispanic

You don’t want me.

I attempt to ignore the signs

But my uneasiness overwhelms me

I look for excuses for the things you say and do

But in actuality, there aren’t any

You don’t want me

And I won’t be the fool

To only want you.

-V. (Written 6/27/2106)

**********************************************************************

Oh, Brother

Oh brother, where art thou?

Gang banging hanging with your boys?

To me… you display the penitentiary mentality

Why do you do the things you do?

Why do you have to be wrong to be “cool”

To me brother, this makes you look like a fool

Now look around…where are you?

All these years, you were given several opportunities

To make better of yourself

But no, besides better upbringing

You had to have a nigger mentality

Wanted to be in the “in crowd”

Wanted friends so bad

Where are your friends now?

Where is their crew love you speak so highly of?

You are officially a statistic

Locked between four stone cold walls about to go ballistic

Having people lie for you

To keep others from knowing the truth

That you’re in jail

I hope you are praying brother.

 

Written April 16, 2002

-V.

 

 

Delete

 

-V.

(Written 5.15.13. Posted 3.21.16- VHN)

 

 

Vulnerability

(3/19/2016 From my archives. Written in 5/17/13. VHN.)

 

 

 

Fear of flying 

I am scared of him
All he represents
What he is capable of
Does he even know?
How much I shiver in fear
Whenever he is near..
He has done this a time too many
I want to be different
And speak of positivity
But in all actuality
It’s fear that comes
When I speak of him.
I wonder…
Do I scare him too?

 

-V.