How many black women relate to the show Being Mary Jane? More than I realized. A part of me did not want to be able to relate to her, but I had to finally fess up and come to terms that I, too, am Mary Jane. Down to the post it notes with positive quotes everywhere. Cliche.

I am Mary Jane. I say this in a sense where, I work in a place, and have worked in places where I was seen as the overly assertive black woman. I have been called a bully even. Ok maybe, when my friend (old coworker) called me that, I had a major chip on my shoulder. I had just moved from New York, felt that I had something to prove, and wanted my new coworkers to see me as someone competent and knowledgeable. So, I flexed my muscles a time or two…ok maybe three. What I did learn from that experience was it is much easier to catch flies with honey than with vinegar. Lessons learned. From then on, I’ve calmed myself down drastically and learn to be more easy going in the workplace and in life overall. The 20’s were filled with life lessons.

Today, I am in a corporate environment and I am learning that less is more in this particular place. It is frowned upon when you are “too black” or “too ethnic” or if you know too much. The less of who you are, the more they like you. The more you are passive they deem you as sweet and cute. I can play the part. But I absolutely HATE IT. I am firm believer in letting your light shine. I am witty and an eager learner. So, I let that shine to some people’s dismay. But I honestly, don’t give a…

We are winding down in 2015 and I have always worked in a hospital setting and took care of patients. I have experienced some racism, but very far and few in-between. Now, in an office setting, I have come to learn that gender inequality is still a major factor in the workplace. I have learned that racism is still a big factor in the workplace. And most importantly, I have learned that the black woman stereotype is at an all time high. I would read about it and never gave it any thought, but now that I am living it, I am appalled.

I recently had a meaningless incident at work about my workspace and coworkers making coffee at my desk and leaving a mess. I have asked jokingly, nicely, assertively for them to clean up after themselves and they just ignore me. This is something that I did not even want at my workstation, but my boss wanted it and told me to “deal with it.” After several attempts of getting it removed, I wrote a nice email to the boss’s boss and those involved in making the coffee to have them remove it after finding dirty supplies in my cabinet. It created uproar! One coworker would reach out to those involved and tell them to forgive me because I am bitter about a job opportunity that didn’t go according to plan. Yes, you heard correct, I am bitter. I actually laughed at this. But, in this situation, it came to me that I was labeled bitter because I wanted my workspace respected. If I were a white woman, would I be labeled bitter? This very woman who called my bitter has cursed out other employees and yelled at her boss and cursed him out. No one ever uttered bitter and her name in the same sentence. Why? She is white. It is ok. Right? I digress…

In an episode of Being Mary Jane during the last season, she called black women, “the ugly black woman.” This is how society sees us. In that episode, I had an Oprah “A Ha!” moment. In a recent episode, it came to light again. Successful, black women are labeled as “the ugly black woman.” When we are assertive in the workplace, we are labeled at the bitch. When we are tired of being hurt by our men, we are labeled as difficult. When will the negative labels be removed when depicting black women? Who will describe us as beautiful, strong and nurturing? We have to define ourselves. I feel that a lot of us do. I know that “I is kind, I is smart, I is important and I is beautiful ”

How can we get society to view us differently and in a more positive light? Are we supposed to be more passive? I don’t think that’s the answer. We all don’t roll our necks and our eyes. We all don’t have attitudes. Every woman has an attitude at some point or another. That is not a color thing.

Finally, to all my black women, collectively, we have to do better if we want better. Let’s not give society something to talk about. Let’s show them who we are. All of our positive attributes. Because at the end of the day, we are not just black women, we are Women. We need more TV shows, and movies that display us in a positive manner. We need more of our men to uplift us, rather than bring us down. It’s a new month, a new day. Shine your light and be the best version of yourself!

-V.

16 thoughts on “Mary Jane Complex”

  1. I believe that many of us successful black women can relate to “being Mary Jane” in some aspect. How we react to the issues that come to us head-on only determines the level of disrespect we acquire from our “equal” white counterparts. My motto is: to respect yourself is to be yourself. There’s levels to this shit. 😑

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    • These is seriously levels to this shit! When we react how they expect us to, they they have something to say but the trick to not react they way they expect and choose the high road but not allow ourselves to be disrespected.

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  3. You absolutely have the right to demand your respect especially when your personal space, working or otherwise is involved. Your coworkers lack of respect is evident in how they treat you and it’s tantamount to harassment. Only childish and immature people react the way they did after repeated attempts to get them to stop their rude behavior. It’s like being in high school all over again! Guaranteed they feel threatened by you and are looking for a way–albeit a negative one– to validate themselves.

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    • Yes!! The environment is just like high school! We say that all the time. The cliques and all. One things for sure. I will not allow them to bring me down to their level. I’m much better than that and have way more respect for myself to entertain it. Thank you for your comment!

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  4. You are definitely entitled to your respect in all forms that it is due. Some people never grow past the childish phase in which you learn to respect others and not think with the selfish ego. I say you handled things as best as you could and your coworkers have some growing up to do. Sounds like there is a bit of jealously there as well because the behavior just sounds like a mean-girls/clique-esque situation.

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    • It sure is. But I make sure I put on my red lipstick and heels and be the best version on myself there is each and every day. Might as well give them a reason to envy.

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      • No no, not just us -I took a job in Turkey in 2004 looking for maturity, then went to England (Bath with side stop in London for a month), then worked in Mexico, all pretty much the same as here in France: people are all … people.

        That is why the world needs Your novel(s): more perspectives, and to get used to sharing…
        Peace,
        Shira(Destinie)

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      • Thank you! Do you mean to tell me this issue is a worldwide issue. And here I thought it was the ignorance of Americans. We need to all compile stories from all the different countries and share the similarities and differences between us and bring awareness and promote change!

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      • 😦 Unfortunately, afaik (don’t get me wrong, we Americans are indeed a bunch of idiots, sadly, but…) yes, it is a global problem. YES, we do need to compile and share -that is Exactly why I learned Spanish (Turkish and French I had no choice, really), and do my damned level best to share what I can, and now to write and translate when I can. My co-workers and friends in every place I have lived are surprised at how different the US is from what TV shows. They need YOUR perspective,so please, WRITE and share. Ok, I am back to chapter 5 of NaNoWriMo…

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